Standard Story vs. Story Proposed Friendship Story
- Standard Story (Zero Sum Friendship / Loyalists): Friends are always on your side, offering unconditional support and affirming your perspective, which can inadvertently maintain delusions and unhelpful approaches.
- Proposed Story (Positive Sum Friendship / [think of a name]): True friends help reduce your ego distortions and blind spots by providing honest feedback and challenging you, fostering personal growth and a better understanding of reality.
Quotes
- ‘The purpose of a friend is to make you better than you would otherwise have been.’ Socrates.
- “It's very important to actively seek out and listen very carefully to negative feedback. This is something that people tend to avoid because it's painful. When friends get a product, I say, don't tell me what you like, tell me what you don't like. Because otherwise, your friend is not going to tell you what he doesn't like. He's going to say, oh, I love this and that, and then leave out the this-is-the-stuff-I-don't-like list, because he wants to be your friend, he doesn't want to offend you. So, you really need to coax negative feedback. You know that if somebody is your friend, or at least not your enemy, and they're giving you negative feedback, they may be wrong, but it's coming from a good place. And sometimes, even your enemies give you good negative feedback.”
- You have nothing to fear from the truth, but that doesn’t mean the truth won’t hurt. You have a lot to fear from delusion, delusion allows you to drive full speed into a [metaphorical] brick wall.
Jingle
- "Good friends don't just back you up—they help you step up!"
Details
Maslow's Hierarchy Applied to Friendship
- Basic Needs: Ensuring Well-being: Making sure your friend is okay.
- Psychological Needs: Reducing Ego Distortions And Blind Spots: Delusion is no one's friend; friends help you see reality more clearly.
- Self-Actualization: Helping Each Other Grow: Friends make you better than you would otherwise have been.
- Zero sum friendship = Only doing “Basic Needs: Ensuring Well-being”. This can lead to delusion and dependency.
- Positive sum friendship = Doing “Basic Needs: Ensuring Well-being”, “Psychological Needs: Reducing Ego Distortions And Blind Spots” and “Self-Actualization: Helping Each Other Grow”.
The Role of Tough Love
Definition of Tough Love: Friends tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
- Tough Love helps you see blind spots and ego distortions… often these are blindingly obvious to others!
- Finding blind spots and ego distortions helps you have a better understanding of reality.
- A strong understanding of reality is the basis upon which everything is built, if you have a shaky foundation, likely to have a shaky life!
- Zero sum friendship only do Love Love.
- Positive sum friendship do Love Love and Tough Love.
When something doesn’t go well, start by assuming there’s a 50:50 chance the responsibility is shared between you and the other person. It’s rarely ever 0% your responsibility.
- The Usual Response: Therapists say that most people blame the other party when things go wrong. A small minority blame themselves entirely, and very few take a balanced approach.
- The Problem with Standard Friendships: In typical friendships (zero-sum friendships), the approach is often to fully take your side—saying things like, “You’re a good person, don’t worry.” While comforting in the short term, this can reinforce ego distortions and blind spots by acting as an echo chamber. This offers temporary relief but doesn’t lead to growth. Since no lessons are learned, similar issues are likely to happen again in the future.
- The Power of Positive-Sum Friendships: In positive-sum friendships, the first priority is to make sure you’re okay. After that, they gently help you see things more clearly, working to reduce your blind spots and ego distortions so you can grow from the experience.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions
IMO it is not acceptable not to have good intentions. IMO it is not acceptable to assume that ‘just because you had good intentions’ then it’s 0% your responsibility for something not going well.
Let’s assume there are two parties involved:
- I believe it is best to start assuming responsibility is 50:50 and then move from there.
- The next adjustment is 75:25
- Then 90:10
- Almost nothing is 100:0.
If you start at 100:0 it is much harder to be impartial. One tends to favour oneself, so try to ‘lean’ against this bias. “The core foundation of a good life is the closest possible understanding of reality.” I believe it’s impossible to fully understand yourself and to fully understand how others see you.
- -L1: assumes it’s 0% their responsibility
- L0: starts at 50:50 but then doesn’t do proper self reflection analysis
- L1: starts at 50:50 and does impartial analysis of all parties
- L2: ‘L1’ + looks forward to the ‘reflection’ as knows it is an opportunity to grow. Not just ‘zero defensiveness’, done well this is fun! The reflection investigation process is a ‘caring’ mutually positive sum interaction.
Pain + Reflection = Progress
Pain + No Reflection = More pain (sad)
Pain + Reflection = 1. See the original painful event as 'positive' as can learn from it (aka happy) + 2. Don't have pain the future so you have made the future better (aka happy)
- Pain + No Reflection = Sad
- Pain + Reflection = 2x Happy
Unhealthy Friendship Dynamics
- Permissive Love: Unconditional support that maintains delusions (ego distortions and blind spots).
- No Disagreement: It's unhealthy to agree 100% with someone.
A better understanding of reality increases the chance that the future will be better.
Positive sum friends increase the chance that the future is better than today. A key way to do this is try and help me be balanced, pointing out ego distortions and blind spots.
“Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Churchill.
- Zero sum friends often help one justify the past as ‘not my fault’, thereby increasing the chance that my learning is low and hence that the future is more likely to be similar to today.
Minimise delusion - Everyone is delusional, it’s just a question of how much.
- Standard story = Maintain or increase delusion.
- Proposed story = Decrease delusion.
- Your understanding of reality is the foundation upon which everything else is built.
Summary
- Lying to Yourself is the Default: Recognize that self-delusion is common; friends can help counteract this.
- The Role of Disagreement: It's unhealthy to agree 100% of the time; healthy disagreement promotes growth.
- Encourage negative feedback: Actively seek negative feedback from friends as a tool for improvement.
- The Danger of Delusion: Maintaining illusions can lead to harmful outcomes; truth, though sometimes painful, is beneficial.
- Positive-Sum Relationships: In a world where growth is possible, lowering delusions contributes to better outcomes for everyone.
Past related blogs
