Is It Possible to Respect Someone You Dislike?

Working in teams is often a muddled web of personalities, skills, diverse values and experience, all in service of shared goals. Occasionally, we find er have to work with someone whose demeanor, style, or approach rubs us the wrong way. It’s tempting to think that respect and dislike are mutually exclusive—but are they? Can you respect someone you dislike?

The answer, I believe, is yes. And in the workplace, it's not just possible; it's essential.

Respect vs. Affection: What’s the Difference?

I’ll start by drawing a line between liking someone and respecting them. Liking is emotional; it involves chemistry, shared values, and a sense of connection. Respect, however, is more rational. It’s about recognizing someone’s skills, integrity, or contribution, regardless of one’s personal feelings about them.

In teams, respect doesn’t require you to invite a colleague to lunch or chat about your weekend plans. It does, however, demand that you acknowledge their abilities, engage with their ideas, and treat them with fairness and courtesy.

The Challenge of Dislike in Teams

Disliking a colleague can stem from any number of reasons: differing work styles, personality clashes, or even an unintentional slight. For example:

• The Overbearing Expert: Perhaps one team member dominates discussions, leaving little room for collaboration. Their expertise might be undeniable, but their delivery grates on you: they ‘hold forth’ or pontificate about their version of reality, leaving no room for ‘yes, but’ or ‘how about’ or sometimes not even ‘I disagree’.
• The Perpetual Critic: This person always seems to find fault. While their feedback can sharpen a project, their tone feels dismissive, making them hard to approach.
• The Rule-Bender: A colleague who cuts corners might irritate you if you value integrity above all else.

These dynamics are common, and they can create tension if left unchecked. But here’s food for thought: recognising their positive traits doesn’t mean you have to excuse behaviours you dislike.

The Pitfall of Gossip and Recruiting Allies

When you dislike someone, it can be tempting to vent your frustrations to others or seek validation for your feelings by recruiting teammates to your perspective. However, this behaviour often backfires. Gossiping about a colleague can erode trust, create cliques, and poison the team’s dynamic. Instead of resolving the issue, it magnifies tensions and risks isolating the person in question, which may foster resentment and further undermine collaboration. Moreover, engaging in gossip reflects poorly on your professionalism and integrity. Keeping your dislike private not only preserves team harmony but also demonstrates maturity and respect for workplace boundaries. Vent your feelings in a constructive and private manner—such as journaling or speaking with a trusted mentor—rather than letting them seep into the team’s culture.

 Finding Respect in Friction

When you work with someone you dislike, the first step is to shift your perspective. Instead of focusing solely on their flaws, I offer some strategies for your consideration, with the caveat that this isn’t a behavioural check-list – it is merely a prompt to help with that shift:

 Acknowledge Their Contributions: Even the overbearing expert might bring critical knowledge or insights to the table. Shift your focus to what they’re adding, not how they’re delivering it.

1. Separate the Person from the Behavior: The perpetual critic might have a sharp tongue, but their attention to detail could prevent costly mistakes. Look beyond their approach to see the value they offer.
2. Recognize Shared Goals: In teams, everyone is (ideally) rowing in the same direction. Even if you dislike how someone rows, their effort is contributing to the team's progress.
3. Examine Your Biases: Sometimes, dislike stems from differences in personality or cultural norms. Ask yourself whether you’re being fair in your assessment or if unconscious biases might be at play.

 Using Conflict Management to Build Bridges

As a conflict management facilitator, I am regularly invited to work with teams and groups where underlying tensions have simmered for too long. One key insight I gradually developed over the years – both from my own experience when I was still employed in the corporate environment, and from my work as a conflict management consultant/mediator, is the idea that respect and dislike can coexist.

 That I’m writing this article this morning is a testament to lifelong learning: Only now have I arrived at synthesizing that realisation: putting it into words. I may have intuitively used the notion of like vs. respect in facilitating groups before, but this morning – this very day – I realise I have another tool to add to my conflict resolution tool kit.   Helping clients see the difference between like and respect, and how it might serve to reduce conflict in their lives.

 By helping team members articulate what they observe and value in each other—skills, contributions, or efforts—they begin to shift focus from their differences to their shared goals.

 Facilitated discussions often reveal surprising moments of connection: the overbearing expert respects the deliberative thinker for catching errors, or the perpetual critic sees the rule-bender as someone who’s willing to think outside the box. My role is to guide the team toward a viable way of working together by creating a space where each member feels heard and appreciated for their strengths. Tension reduces when people can see the bigger picture—and their place in it.

Example: A Tale of Two Colleagues

I once worked with a team where two members, Dimitri and Grace, were constantly at odds. Dimitri found Grace’s habit of interrupting rude, while Grace felt Dimitri’s deliberative style slowed the team down. Over time, their friction started impacting the team’s morale.

 Through facilitated conversations, it became clear that Dimitri respected Grace’s quick thinking, even if her interruptions annoyed him. Similarly, Grace admitted that Dimitri’s thoroughness often caught errors she missed. By focusing on these mutual strengths, they found a way to work together effectively—without ever becoming friends. (But an effective team!)

 Advice for Navigating Dislike with Respect

1. Set Boundaries: If someone’s behaviour is truly disruptive, address it directly but professionally. Respect doesn’t mean tolerating toxicity.
2. Focus on the Task: Shift your energy from interpersonal tension to the shared goals of the team.
3. Practice Empathy: Dislike often dissipates when we understand someone’s motivations or struggles. A little curiosity can go a long way.
4. Model Professionalism: Treat every colleague with civility, regardless of personal feelings. Your behavior sets a tone others will notice.

It’s about Emotional Intelligence

Disliking someone doesn’t preclude respecting them. In fact, learning to respect those we don’t like is a hallmark of emotional intelligence—and a critical skill for thriving in teams. It’s about separating the person from the role they play, recognizing their value, and focusing on the bigger picture.

So the next time you feel friction with a colleague, pause. Look for what you can respect, even if it takes effort. You might not change your feelings, but you’ll strengthen your professionalism—and your team’s success.

What about you? Have you ever respected someone you didn’t like? Let me know in the comments—I’d love to hear your thoughts.