The Power of "Un-Becoming" to Find Your True Self

We often think of personal growth as a journey toward becoming more—more successful, more confident, more skilled.

But what if the real journey isn’t about becoming something new, but rather "un-becoming" everything that isn’t truly us? Paulo Coelho once said, "Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about un-becoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." This idea is especially important when we think about mindset, mental health, and life skills.

Why "Un-Becoming" Matters

Throughout life, we pick up habits, beliefs, and behaviors that are often shaped by our environment—family, school, work, and society. While some of these serve us well, others may hold us back. Over time, these external influences can cause us to lose sight of who we really are. We start living according to what others expect from us, rather than staying true to ourselves. This is where the idea of "un-becoming" comes in. It’s about letting go of the layers that no longer serve us so that we can reconnect with our authentic selves.

Mindset and the Path of Self-Discovery

In my work as a mindset coach, I often see individuals struggle with this. They believe they need to become something—better leaders, more productive employees, or more confident people. While these goals are important, they often overlook a key aspect: the need to un-become the habits and mindsets that are keeping them stuck.

I once coached a manager who believed that leadership meant always being in control, never showing vulnerability. Over time, this belief led him to feel overwhelmed and disconnected from his team. Through coaching, he realized that he didn’t need to become a different leader, but rather un-become the idea that vulnerability was a weakness. By letting go of this belief, he became more authentic, approachable, and effective as a leader.

Mental Health: Letting Go of What Hurts You

The journey of "un-becoming" is also deeply connected to mental health. Many of us carry emotional baggage from past experiences, whether it's fear of failure, people-pleasing tendencies, or self-doubt. These patterns can weigh us down, impacting our well-being and preventing us from reaching our full potential.

A young professional I worked with constantly felt anxious about not meeting her boss's expectations. She had internalized the belief that she wasn’t good enough, no matter how hard she worked. Through our sessions, we focused not on becoming more capable (because she already was!) but on un-becoming the self-criticism and anxiety that clouded her thinking. Once she released these mental barriers, she found peace and became more productive at work.

Life Skills: Embracing Your True Potential

The development of life skills—like communication, time management, and emotional intelligence—often involves unlearning as much as it does learning. You don’t always need to add new skills to your toolbox. Sometimes, you just need to let go of old habits or outdated ways of thinking.

In a recent workshop, I worked with a group of fresh graduates entering the workforce. Many of them felt pressure to act like they had all the answers, which led to stress and frustration. Together, we explored the idea of "un-becoming" the notion that they needed to appear perfect. By embracing a mindset of learning and growth, they felt more confident asking questions and seeking help, which ultimately helped them succeed faster.

How Can You "Un-Become"?

If you’re wondering how to start this process of un-becoming, here are a few practical steps:

1. Identify limiting beliefs: Ask yourself, "What beliefs or habits are holding me back?" These could be anything from fearing failure to constantly comparing yourself to others.
2. Reflect on authenticity: Think about when you feel most like yourself. What activities, people, or situations bring out your true self? Lean into these.
3. Challenge your inner critic: Notice when your self-talk is negative or self-sabotaging. Replace those thoughts with positive, affirming ones.
4. Seek support: Whether through a coach, mentor, or trusted friend, having someone to help you see your blind spots can accelerate your growth.

Finally, the process of un-becoming is not always easy, but it’s necessary for true growth. As we shed the layers that don’t serve us, we become more aligned with who we truly are. This shift in mindset not only improves mental health but also equips us with the life skills to thrive in both our personal and professional lives.

So, rather than focusing solely on what you need to become, ask yourself: What do I need to un-become to reveal my true self?