Reconciling Our Outer and Inner Selves

The image above captures the theme of this post perfectly: what appears on the outside (what others see when they meet us, talk to us, engage with us in the workplace or in schools) does not match what exists on the inside (sadness, hollowness, response to trauma, toxic stress and abuse). We are so keen on looking at a polished "outside" that we fail to respond to the "inside" of students, workers, friends among others. In part, this is because the "inside" is often so so difficult to address and accept.

The image above was created by a seventh grader at Henley Middle School -- she is 13 years old. Savannah's work is haunting -- both the image itself created with colored pencils and the meaning of the imagery -- a self bifurcated in two.

What makes this image so timely is the plethora of traumatic news of late. Women who have been abused for decades and from decades ago are sharing their stories, stories few (if anyone) knew. Yes, some of those claims could be inaccurate or incomplete or after-the-after regret about a consensual relationship. But, surely, we need to believe that many (most) of these stories are true as told. I get that in the criminal justice system one is innocent until proven guilty but who would make up that Charlie Rose appeared before them naked (no Adonis he)? Who could make up some of the stories reported in Variety about Matt Lauer? These are all examples of the old adage that truth can be stranger (and I'd add harder to understand) than fiction.

What bothers me most is the trauma and toxic stress experienced by children -- and they often do not or cannot share what has happened to them. And, for some of them, the toxic lives they lead is all they know (abusive parents; drug abuse; alcoholism; homelessness; poverty; hunger; latch keys) -- they think that is everyone's reality. And, who shares those experiences as part of their school day?

And with all the loss of homes and lives from floods and shootings, many children are directly or indirectly impacted by disasters that are both nature made and person made. For some children, the world as they knew it (in their short years) is gone. Their school is flooded and shuttered. Their homes are destroyed or damaged. Their personal effects are missing. So are their pets and friends. Death and injury abounds. And, even for children not in the eye of a storm, there are impacts -- just because the effects of disaster are indirect does not mean they are unimportant.

We all wear masks. Few of us are truly transparent as to our personal lives. But, each day, we need to look in the mirror and we see the disjuncture between what others see and what we ourselves know. This is hard. This is painful. This is reality. I have a wall in my home covered with masks and mirrors collected from many places and spaces. They message for me that we all wear masks but mirrors are always there -- to remind us (if we need a reminder) as to who we are beneath the veneer.

It is for all these reasons that I think we need to have vastly better strategies for dealing with those who have been traumatized, stressed to the point of toxicity and abused. We need mental health professionals who have deep experience with strategies to enable people to move forward -- to make a future for themselves. We need teachers and schools that can identify and deal with students and families who have experienced trauma and abuse. How many teachers across the educational landscape have this training? And, how many school administrators are encouraging more faculty and staff development designed to address trauma? How many colleges of education have programs on trauma and targeted classes too?

Ponder disciplinary systems in schools across the entire pre-K -- 20 pipeline. We seem rather keen on punishment (and I am not talking here about abusers but those abused). We have rules and when you step over the line, punishment follows. But, the punishment does not always fit the crime (so to speak). The child who acts out by taking toys of others because he lost his home, the child who is painfully shy in public because she was abused by her uncle and can't speak up in class, the child who witnesses gun violence regularly and has to duck under the window sills to stay safe wiggles in his seat in the classroom and jumps when a door slams: these are kids who need our help. Schools and teachers need us to respond to students based on who they are and where there are from and where they are now. In short, we need to know and understand the students we teach. We need to meet them where they are -- now.

Here's one good way to start: look at the image here. Recognize that today -- with all the craziness in the world -- many people (inclusive of hosts of children) are living lives on the inside that differ from what we see on the outside. Sad but true. And, our job as professionals -- educators, psychiatrists, psychologists among others -- is to work to understand the difference between the outside and the inside of people. And, once that divide is recognized, these professionals need a toolbox of strategies for enabling student and adult success in day-to-day life and in their capacity to navigate the future.

What's in that toolbox? Lots and we need another post for that. For now, let's recognize masks and mirrors within us all.