The Rise of Ceremony

We had known each other for 26 years.

We had been together as a couple for 9 years.

There was nothing in our day-to-day relationship that was different from other married couples in terms of commitment and respect.

And for reasons that would take more than a LinkedIn post to explain (probably a series of novels would do it), we had not, after 9 years, been married.

Then, after 9 years, I made a decision that I would ask Veronica to officially, in a ceremony, make our commitment to one another official. It was no surprise to Veronica in general as we had talked about it seriously for 6 or 7 years. It was a surprise (which was a good thing) in my timing as I had given no indication that I was moving this formal ceremony idea forward.

This was the second time for both of us to be married and maybe it takes a second time to truly understand what was going on. Or maybe I am wiser as I am older. Or maybe this was just so different that I could have never claimed any of these observations in my first wedding.

Regardless, I came away from our wedding with some bigger reflections, ones that were beyond ourselves. All on its own, it was beautiful, wonderful, fun, and probably 20 other positive things. And yet, I couldn't escape what I felt I learned through it all.

Ceremony.

One official definition of ceremony: a formal act or set of formal acts established by custom or authority as proper to a special occasion.

And, of course, that is what it IS.

What it MEANS and what I BELIEVE it does is what was rushing over me in the weeks and months after the wedding ceremony and the Danza presentation (that is what the picture is on this article).

And maybe it is easy to understand and is not such a topic to most. You may see this and say "Duh man. Yes, a wedding ceremony is a big deal." And so I want to start there. With an example of ceremony that most can agree is at least one of two things: a big deal, or something that is supposed to be a big deal.

Now... what became clear as our wedding day actually happened (after all the planning and anticipation) and became more clear in the days and weeks that followed is what was actually going down that day. Here's my take...

1. Declaration: Veronica and I declared that we had something BIG we wanted to build a ceremony around.
2. Meaningful Group: Many people we cared for agreed that they too would like to be a part of it.
3. Moment in Time: Those people all came to the same place, at the same time, for the same singular reason.
4. Formal, Historical Acts: Time was spent in 2 different ceremonial events that day--the wedding ceremony and the Danza presentation. Both followed formal/historical structures.
5. Artifacts: Pictures were taken that freeze that day for everyone--for one singular reason, everyone gave their time, effort, and attention for it. It is documented, memorialized, and seen by a collective group of people as an important day and one to remember fondly.

My ancestry is Irish and for those that study history, of course that means I come from the Celt Tribes in Eastern Europe (barbarians). Those Celt Tribes had a thing where they didn't write things down and kept their practices secret. And so when they were mostly murdered and driven to what we call Ireland and Scotland, that culture and history evaporated.

My family came over to America as the poor Catholics did looking for a safe place to practice their religion and not starve (few jobs, homes, land, etc for Catholics in Ireland). If any culture was continued into my family's life in 1973 when I was born, it was the religious one. There are many ceremonies in most religions and so I learned through ceremony how to be a Catholic.

Since I didn't continue being a Catholic once I was an adult, my world was, in my eyes, without culture. It was without ceremony. I began to see all that ceremony with some disdain. As if it were ridiculous, frivolous, fake... things like that. Regardless, it was ceremony.

So to zoom back out of my wedding example, and to just focus on my point here... when I say in my headline "The Rise of Ceremony" I am being aspirational. I would like to see ceremony rise. And I have some reasons for it.

Ceremony is a human artifact all by itself.

How do we slow things down enough to all settle in? What good is this achievement if it doesn't include my community, my family, my closest relationships? If my life revolves around short-term things, how can I relax enough to know myself... know what I am here to contribute?

I was at a ceremony in the Danza community last year, before my wedding day. There is a lot I can say about it but I can just describe it in the elements that will make my point here. A leader was recognized, for the FIRST time, now that they have kept their team together for 40+ years. That's right. After 4 decades, the ceremony was in order and everyone felt the weight of such an accomplishment. It was a virtual lifetime of work, and one that showed through ceremony that this moment was beyond those who were present. It was about those that have passed and in their time made this day possible. And it was about the future and how this dedication would be a stable and strong foundation for generations.

I immediately thought to myself "wow... everyone is looking for a promotion within a year... to make their numbers this quarter... to be a VP by the age of 27.." And so my mind was turning about this. About the meaning of commitment. Patience. Resilience. Ceremony.

What it is making me think of is how we do not leverage ceremony enough. It makes me think of how ceremony has been commercialized (thinking of events). It makes me chuckle a little that there is so much "best practice" and "professionalism" that rides rough-shot over some very human needs that have been clear exponentially longer than what we now know as "business".

And that will be the last time in this article I put a word in quotes.

As leaders in business, we bear a responsibility that I don't believe many embrace. From my experience, most leaders I have spent time with understand the words to say to those they lead and they understand the timing to say those words to maximize the outcomes (mostly short-term) they want. And behind closed doors, they dodge their responsibility. They want ease in their life. They want their family to excel even at the expense of others. They were treated unfairly in their work-life so they feel others should be ready for the same.

The responsibility, as I lay it out here is this: we need to question every move we make, every standard procedure, process, every dynamic of what people need to feel connected to the world and participate in society (work)... question all of this regularly so we can help one another have a meaningful life. And if there is no future ceremony in front of me and all those that I lead that marks our climb as contributors to this world... I believe we should start creating them.

I think we need to dig deep to bring back Ceremony.

There are a lot of systematic reasons why we are where we are. And, as a small tangent, these systems are created by laws, drafted by legislators, run by politicians so stop telling me politics doesn't belong in business--it literally dictates the rules of business. And that is exactly my driving point here. You as a business leader have a responsibility in my opinion to do this. You have a responsibility to change the system that we operate in that has stripped the long-term meaning from work... and life along the way.

Otherwise, just know that I don't think you are a leader at all.

You just have a job.

Or maybe you are an entrepreneur.

That doesn't make you a leader in my eyes.

The leadership title is for those that won't stand for what is wrong.

And how in the world can we create such wisdom among so many of us? Who are the leaders?

I believe we've taken the inconvenient funnel of leadership development out of the picture over the last few hundred years.

Ceremony.

What have you been doing that involved your community? That moved your community forward? What ceremonies have you been a part of as one being honored or as a participant or as a community member to build that positive momentum of where we are all headed?

I felt the weight of ceremony that day at our wedding. I looked around and thought, "They are all here for us. This is a day they share with us. It isn't just the 2 of us. It is all of us."

Ceremony made it clear.

It isn't about you. Or me.

It is about US.

And I have a strong feeling that without ceremony, the idea that we are all here for each other may fade too far away.