Sandwiched and Scrutinized. Every Parent Is a Critic

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how teenagers can be tough on us parents (Perfectly Imperfect). Navigating imposter syndrome is just as tough when our own parents fuel self-doubt.

As a reluctant member of the sandwich generation, balancing care for my 86-year-old mother and my 17-year-old son, I often find myself questioning my competence. But what happens when our parents inadvertently become catalysts for imposter syndrome? (On second thought, it may not be so inadvertent! But I digress.)

In today's edition I will discuss

• The evolution of parenting.
• Dealing with parental criticism.
• Embracing your unique parenting journey.

The Evolution of Parenting

Parents today are navigating a vastly different parenting landscape than the one our parents experienced. The transformation is beyond imagination. My mom is always amazed when I tell Siri to do something and she does it!

• Which brings me to the first marker of evolution: the digital divide. Our children are tech-saturated, tech-savvy, and tech-obsessed. Our parents?

• The term emotional intelligence did not exist until the 90s and my guess is that @Daniel Goleman was not on the average parent’s radar. Our children have no idea what the expression “children should be seen and not heard” means. I can picture the confusion on my kid’s face now!

• Unlike the clear-cut, work-home separation of previous generations, we're often balancing remote work with childcare. And even before the pandemic, the advent of laptops and smartphones made our employment more accessible from home and after hours. Unheard of in the 1970’s.

• Our definition of family has expanded, challenging traditional norms. Blended families are common and celebrated along with adoption and other family structures. Many biases may still exist in our parents eyes.
• Parent involvement has become, dare I say, intrusive. Colleges went from a place of independence and letting kids figure it out on their own, to in loco parentis, where colleges and universities have taken the place of parents on some level. We're constantly navigating between over-involvement and fostering independence. We may be seen as harsh by our kids and lacking in discipline and tough love by our parents. Cue the imposter syndrome.

How we manage these shifts can often lead to criticism from our parents, fueling imposter syndrome and self-doubt. Not that I know what that feels like - just kidding.

Dealing with Parental Criticism

Our parents, viewing our methods through the lens of their own experiences, may offer unsolicited advice or criticism.

"In my day, we didn't coddle children so much."

"You're always on your phone. We gave our kids undivided attention."

"Why can't you discipline them like we did?" (Because we’d be in jail! – Did I say that out loud?)

These comments shake our confidence and intensify imposter syndrome.

So here is what I have done and continue to do.

• Setting boundaries has become a contact sport between my mom and me. I firmly establish limits on unsolicited parenting advice or comments that are nothing short of inappropriate in 2024. And confession: I am not always polite about it. Those boundaries also extend to my valuable time and her expectations of my time. I don't have that sweet, touchy-feely, my-mom-is-my-bestie relationship, so the boundaries are nonnegotiable.
• I trust my instincts. No one knows my kid like I do. I work with him (and in certain emergencies, with his father) to make decisions that will work for him and me. Unsolicited advice is rarely acknowledged because it rarely works with my philosophy on parenting.

• I take care of myself and practice self-compassion. Parenting is challenging in any era - be kind to yourself even when others are not. Acknowledge that perfection is unattainable. You are not your parents, though, you will catch yourself saying the things they once said, that you promised yourself you would never…never, ever…say to your kids. SURPRISE!

Embracing Your Unique Journey

While our parents' experiences are valuable, they're not the definitive guide to modern parenting. By acknowledging the evolving nature of child-rearing and standing firm in our choices, we can quiet the voice of imposter syndrome. YES, ONLY QUIET IT. Our parents’ voices are still quite loud for many of us out of respect and sheer habit!

Remember, you're not just parenting - you're pioneering a new approach for a new world (dramatic, I know). Embrace your audacity to parent differently, and let it fuel your confidence rather than diminish it. Even when you think your kids aren’t listening or appreciative, they do or say something when they think you are not watching or listening. That, my audacious-minded friends, merits a pat on the back. And dare I say, our parents also show pride in our parenting when they show love for our children. Those children they love so much? We did that. They are lovable because we made them that way. HELLO! Every once in a while, my mom says, "He's such a good boy!" Yep. I did that!

Remember, your worth isn't determined by others' perceptions and that includes those wonderful people who raised us. Address imposter syndrome head-on. Set those boundaries. Trust your instincts. Reclaim your confidence and unleash your true parenting potential. YOU GOT THIS!