Searching for Answers: Birthmothers, Adoptees, and Adoptive Parents
By Darrell W. Wood
The author served what is now Buckner International, Dallas, Texas, as Vice President of Marketing and Public Relations, 1986-89. The following article was adapted from the Fall 1988 issue of "Connections," quarterly publication for Buckner Adoptive Families, and the "Abilene Reporter-News."
Overturning by the U.S. Supreme Court of the concept of a constitutional right to abortion has opened a Pandora's box of vitriolic pros and cons--by sincere, well-meaning Christians and Bible-believing individuals representing both sides of the issue.
The SCOTUS 6-3 ruling in Dobbs v. Jackson Women's Health rescinded the historic 1973 Roe v. Wade decision and moved the debate back to the states to decide how to implement the high court's ruling.
Questions about pro-life and pro-choice proponents revolve around several key concerns:
Obstetrician/gynecologist Whitney Mascorro, whose practice is affiliated with Hendrick Medical Center, Abilene, Texas, has several concerns related to issues of the unborn. Mascorro identifies as "pro-life and a Christian," and said she does not perform the procedure unless it is "medically indicated" to save the life of the mother. Occasionally, she said, choosing between the two means making difficult decisions.
"If I am forced to make a choice between their lives, and I'm the one that has to make that choice, I will always choose mom's life," she said.
Being both pro-baby's life and pro-mother's life represents a pro-life position. Sometimes the best choice for the birthmother is to put her baby up for adoption. Buckner's adoption services case files are filled with many emotionally charged accounts:
"You may not remember me, but I placed a baby with you 20 years ago..."
"I was placed for adoption by your agency when I was a baby..."
"We adopted our child from your agency, and now he is asking some questions...We need your help..."
Almost every day, Buckner Adoption Agency receives calls such as these from birthmothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents. In the last five years, these inquiries have increased greatly; more and more people are realizing this curiosity is completely healthy and normal.
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Adoption is not a one-time event, but a continuing process. Adoptive parents are now more open and secure with their children and tend to deal with adoption in a positive way. As a result, adoptees are more knowledgeable and aware of their past.
As adopted children mature, their questions become more perceptive. Many times their curiosity increases after entering school. Parents who deal with their child's growing curiosity and questions can help eliminate his/her concern about adoption.
Not every birthmother, adoptee, or parent feels the need to call Buckner for help. But for those who do, a trained, caring staff is available to fill in most of the missing pieces of information. When parents do not know the answers to their child's questions, they should seek the agency's help. Buckner offers counseling for adoptees of all ages. It is important that the parents support their child and go with him/her to the counseling meeting.
Buckner also wants birthmothers to feel free to seek information from the agency when they feel the need of knowing that the child is well and need to reaffirm that their decision was a right one. Their inquiries are not meant to be a threat, just a natural need of reassurance. However, when the child's files have not been updated and the birthmother is seeking information, her curiosity can increase, and she may become fearful about the child.
This is why we encourage adoptive parents to keep in touch and update the file on their child/children at least once a year. Buckner can help all parties by sharing non-identifying information with requesting individuals. This can reduce anxiety and satisfy most of their curiosity.
If questions are left unanswered because the agency has no information to give, or if more information is desired, the individual may seek assistance from a private search group.
Buckner does not encourage searching, but those who do search are encouraged to go through our agency rather than outside search groups. Buckner staff is concerned with everyone involved--the adoptee, the adoptive parents, and the birthmother. It is best if the agency contacts the birthmother for the adoptee, and for the birthmother to work with the agency when searching for an adult adoptee.
Adoptive parents should inform the agency whether or not they want to be contacted if the situation should arise. If they choose not to be contacted, their choice is respected by Buckner.
It is unlikely that a birthmother or adoptee will try to directly contact the other party, but if it should happen, Buckner is available to help at that point.
Rather than ignore the subject on searching, it is best to be prepared on how to handle the situation if it occurs. Searching for answers is a basic human need that calls for appropriate responses.
"Whatever you do, do all to the glory of God," said the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 10:31.
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