This Self-Care Myth Has to Go

I don’t know if I can do this (I thought).

The “this” was getting out of bed that morning…

… Bone tired.

… Mentally exhausted.

… Emotionally raw.

I had been 'existing' for close to a year on 4-5 hours of sleep per night. Sure, there were some nights where I got a full 7-8. And maybe a couple where I got even more.

But that year I learned that you can’t “catch up” on missed sleep by getting more in a few, short spurts.

I could also count on one hand the number of days I hadn’t worked, including weekends and holidays (and this was in early December).

Even though I was working 80-90 hour billable weeks on the regular, I was regularly discounting my hours over the guilt of how much I was billing some clients (could have used the services of Molly Kremer, Esq. - The Billing Coach back then!).

I was burning out. Maybe I was burnt out already. It was never officially diagnosed so I honestly don’t know.

Whether I was officially in burnout or not, one thing was clear: I was close to my breaking point.

Within a few weeks (thanks to my dear hubby reminding me I had a choice in the matter), I decided to make a change.

What was the change? No more pushing through.

This was the beginning of re-learning what self-care is. Real self-care, that is.

What Self-Care Isn't

We hear a lot about how lawyers need to take better care of themselves, typically housed in language about giving yourself some me-time or treating yourself to something you love doing/eating/drinking (and so on).

And then we're given simple tips around how to fit daily exercise into the schedule while being told that taking a bubble bath, going to the spa every month and drinking herbal tea are great ways for taking care of yourself.

I had been doing all of those things yet was still burning out. Which goes to show you that perhaps we lawyers (and society as a whole) misunderstand what self-care actually is.

What's worse is that my buy-in on these things had me feeling guilty around taking time for myself. Because when couched in terms of me-time, splurging and doing things just for myself, it felt selfish.

Yet when I realized I couldn't - shouldn't - just push through any longer, I started to understand that I'd been thinking of self-care all wrong.

Self-care was deeper - much, much deeper - than the tired clichés and superficial tips I'd been following.

This was a huge realization for me because it's what empowered me to let go of the “self-care is selfish” thoughts I had always bought into.

Because self-care isn't selfish.

The idea that it is? A myth.

This is true even though it comes before getting to (or even at the expense of) other things.

How To Change Your Mindset Around Self-Care

When it comes to letting go of the "self-care is selfish" myth, you must first change your definition around what self-care is. Because the myth stems from an incomplete (and sometimes, incorrect) definition.

Here is what self-care actually is:

1. Self-care is about your whole wellbeing.

You are a whole person who needs many things to feel, be and show up as your best. And the list of things that enable you to do that? It's long and includes:

• What you eat.
• Exercise/movement.
• Getting good sleep.
• Feeling connected to those you care about.
• Having a bigger connection to your community.
• Feeling aligned to a higher purpose/power.
• And so on and so forth.

Self-care is whatever you need to be physically, mentally/emotionally and spiritually well. Which is why following all the so-called tips isn't working for most lawyers.

Merely doing the things on a list (or sticking to a predetermined routine) isn't enough.

No one, two or three things will ensure your whole wellness. Yet we often think adding one thing and making a slight change to another (that doesn’t really change our approach to or relationship with that thing) is suddenly going to change EVERYTHING for us.

It won’t, for the reasons stated above but also because…

2. Self-care is less about WHAT you and more about WHY and HOW you go about doing it.

The why is the most important thing. Why do you need to do a particular thing?

• For your mental health?
• For emotional stability?
• So that you can feel good physically and have energy for the day?
• So that you feel like you belong?

Ask why more often (and answer it honestly).

If you can’t answer why, then you’re probably doing something you think you should do that isn’t an act of self-care for you (or at least, in this moment).

Which also means the HOW is also important. Because there are many ways you could:

• Eat a healthy meal.
• Exercise.
• Train your mind to be more present.
• Feel spiritually connected.

So on and so forth.

3. Your self-care will change (all the time).

None of the tips we keep hearing about are bad in and of themselves. The problem is that we often apply them without taking into account current needs and the current situation. That is an important distinction.

Self-care might sometimes involves sticking to a routine but will inevitably include changing it up other times (and adding something specifically to fit your current needs).

What you need to feel, be and show up as your best self will change day-to-day (maybe even hour-by-hour).

You need flexibility.

And also: intentionality.

The Most Impactful Thing I Learned? Self-Care Is A Way of Being.

Everything changed for me when I realized that self-care wasn't about doing. It's about your approach to living. I like to say it's a way of being. A mindset, if you will.

This shift brought more intentionality to my approach around my own health and wellbeing. Intentionality that enables me to check in with myself daily and figure out what I need to be my best that day.

For myself and for others.

Want to know what else changed once I made this mindset shift?

I drew real boundaries - at work and home. And yes, I got some pushback at first.

But then I showed up better in all areas of my life. People noticed. I was offered higher-level work and opportunities. My career took off after I set boundaries and prioritized my wellbeing.

Self-care isn’t selfish.

My experience is a big part of my approach to coaching. I do things quite differently than many other leadership and business coaches.

My job is to get to know YOU - your values, needs, strengths and personality - so that we can partner to build the practice that will support the whole life you want to live.

You are a whole person. Success isn't just about the money. It's about who you are and how you feel about yourself, your decisions and your life as a whole.

XO,

Heather

P.S. If you're a private practice lawyer who is ready to start building your 7-figure law practice around the whole life you want to live, be sure to check out my business development mastermind (ELEVATE) here.