Self-employed sickness – and the 6 things that saved me

As we near the end of 'Romjul' (the Norwegian word for the weird floaty period between Christmas and New Year, in case you were wondering), I’ve been reflecting on something I suspect other freelancers will relate to:

Getting sick when you’re self-employed.

Hands up who else has found themselves in this boat recently?

Let’s be honest, it’s inevitable. We’re in the depths of winter, Christmas – sorry, I mean Covid – is all around, and December for most of us means more alcohol, naughty food and late nights (all of which I thoroughly approve of, by the way).

I’m lucky to hardly ever get sick – I seem to skip common colds when everyone else has them and as a kid my mum would regularly congratulate me on not getting whatever ear infection/glandular fever/migraines all the other children seemed to be getting.

So far, so smug.

But earlier this month, I got really ill.

Falling into a hole

It started with a mildly aching body and quickly escalated to fever and nerve-shredding muscle pain in my limbs. I started sleeping for 10-12 hour stretches and napping for hours at a time in the daytime too. Then came the complete loss of taste and smell and mucus-filled chest. My mood tanked too – I felt lonely and directionless, and my tendency to ruminate went into overdrive.

Then, as quickly as it had appeared, after about five days, most of my physical symptoms eased and I started to feel much better, albeit very tired.

A false start

Here’s where I made a critical mistake: I assumed that meant I had recovered.

I immediately tried to get back to work, only to find myself in tears over filling in a simple spreadsheet, or completely losing my train of thought while on meetings with clients.

I was acutely aware that not working meant not being paid, and I didn’t want to make December, already an expensive month, any harder financially.

I kept chastising myself for not being able to focus and pull myself together – I wasn’t in pain anymore. So what was the problem?

Hopelessness

I’m a lifelong worrier. Over the years, I’ve learned to manage all sorts of forms of neuroses, from panic attacks and intrusive thoughts to OCD.

But this experience didn’t feel have the nerve-jangling feel of anxiety.

It felt heavy, bleak and hopeless.

Energy, my superpower, had been unplugged, and in its place, ferocious doubt and self-criticism flooded in. All confidence and motivation vanished. Not good when you're responsible for running a business.

Two parts of my brain went to war: the rational part quietly told me that this was just a blip, that I was still unwell and that my drive would return. The irrational part (which seemed to have found a megaphone from somewhere) yelled that everything I’d achieved in the last 9 months of being self-employed was just a fluke and that my real colours were now showing: I was a useless marketer and business-owner.

“How the fuck can I run a successful businesses feeling like this?”, I asked myself.

In sheer frustration, I stomped off for a walk around my local park. I felt numb.

But after half an hour or so of rhythmic movement, a well of emotions bubbled up. Specifically sadness – and a lot of fear.

I returned home, and burst into tears. “I need your help”, I sobbed to my husband, to whom I’d previously been putting on a brave face, “I feel like I’m falling into a really dark place.”

The steady climb out

He looked at me, real concern in his eyes for the first time.

“Ok – whatever you need, we’ll do it. Together.”

“You’ll help me?” I wailed like a 5 year-old.

“I’ll help you.”

And this is where everything started to get better.

Here are 6 things that helped me get back to a balanced state. Not overnight, as I’d pushed for, but slowly and patiently.

I’m calling it my Self-employed Sickness First Aid Kit.

1.    Speaking up

That raw conversation with my husband forced me out of my catastrophe-filled head and into a more practical reality. He reassured me that he would do whatever it took to help me while my energy returned, and that we would tackle this bad patch as a team.

We often bottle up or ignore negative feelings so as not to seem weak or for fear of burdening others – but as one of my favourite writers, psychologist Susan David, says, emotions are data, not directives. That is, we don’t always have to act on our emotions, but we do need to acknowledge their presence, and accept that they’re trying to tell us something.

In my case, sadness and fear were a sign that I needed support from other humans.

Later that day, I swallowed my pride and text a few close friends admitting I was feeling really low and asking to talk. The interactions that followed were beautiful: one friend, a fellow marketer, gave me a fantastic pep talk about my professional capabilities; another invited me round for lunch and went through, step by step, how he’d overcome depression when out of work last year. Another friend came over and we played on Face App till our actual faces hurt from laughing.

2.    Stability

When all energy and self-belief deserted me, and with work and socialising off-limits, my daily routine became small – but sacred.

I took comfort from making the bed, doing the laundry and shuffling round the block for 15 minutes. I knew I could complete these micro-tasks, I knew when they would happen, how long they’d take, and what order I’d do them in. They gave me a sense of rhythm and anchored me in an otherwise swirling haze of gloom.

3.    Savings

In an irritating twist of fate, me getting sick coincided was my first ever month of a client not paying me on time. Here, my savings saved me. I’m not one of those diligent squirrels that has a year’s worth of outgoings saved ‘just in case’, but I did have enough to pay myself the money I was owed, and cover that month’s expenses.

4.    Sentient creatures

Those of you lucky enough to have pets will know that animals have a sixth sense when you’re unwell or dealing with difficult emotions (well, cats or dogs do – not sure about hamsters. Anyone?). My cats wouldn’t leave my side while I was ill, and their non-judgmental steadfastness was especially valuable when self-isolating.

5.    Stories

When we fall into a mentally dark place, part of the problem is that our thinking gets incredibly narrow. Stress and difficult emotions, such as fear, limit our ability to be objective or see things from another perspective.

A powerful way to counter this is through stories – whether novels, poetry, songs, TV or films, good stories lift us out of our own mind and circumstances, and allow us to experience life as someone else. They let a crack of light in and give us hope that things can change.

And if nothing else, they’re an excellent distraction. I must have watched about 50 hours of Netflix and I don’t regret a single minute of it.

6.    Self-compassion

Last and certainly not least is the need to be kind to ourselves.

Turns out, many humans have the bizarre tendency to be kind to others who are in pain while simultaneously being harsh to themselves for feeling exactly the same way.

My best friend called me out on this straight away:

“You say you’re resting. But to me it sounds like you’re sat there all day giving yourself grief about why you’re not better yet. Stop with the guilt. You’re ill and need two full weeks off, minimum. End of.”

Later that day, she sent me an Instagram meme.

It read:

“I can do nothing all day in the name of ‘rest’ but if there’s an undercurrent of shame, then it’s not relaxing at all. It’s just me sitting on my ass worrying that by doing nothing I am somehow less worthy. Total rest requires full permission, non-judgement and total surrender.”

She had underlined the last three words in wobbly purple highlighter.

And she was right.

Have you had a difficult time when getting ill as a freelancer, either physically or mentally? What items are in your Self-employed Sickness First Aid kit?

If you’re struggling right now, don’t go it alone – finding someone to talk to can be the difference between sinking and swimming. My inbox is always open too.

Here’s to a healthy, happy 2022.

Fabienne

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