The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work: A Realistic Guide

By: Maureen E. Mc Bride-Russakoff

So, do you know everything about marriage? Buckle up, buttercup, because I’m about to take you on a wild ride through the seven principles of making a marriage work straight out of John Gottman’s bestseller. And yes, we’ll sprinkle in some humor because, let’s face it, a marriage without laughter is more likely to end up in an attorney's office than on a romantic vacation.  

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Love maps? What is this, Dora the Explorer’s guide to marriage? 

Nope, it’s just a fancy way of saying you need to know stuff about your partner. Remember their favorite pizza topping, their most embarrassing childhood moment, and that weird thing they do with their socks. The more detailed your mental map, the less likely you’ll get lost in the jungle of marital misunderstandings.

2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Do you know those sickeningly sweet moments when you gaze lovingly at your partner and think, “I really adore you?" Hold onto those. Keep those thoughts in your back pocket for when they forget to take out the trash for the hundredth time because nothing says “I still love you,” like not strangling them with the garbage bag.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

This isn’t a metaphorical U-turn. It’s about those little moments when you choose to connect with your partner instead of scrolling through your phone. When they tell you about their day, put down the Instagram feed and listen. This principle is the marriage version of “Pay Attention 101.” Think of it as giving them a hug with your ears.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

I’m not saying you must become a vegan yoga enthusiast just because your partner is. But letting them have a say in your life choices is essential. Compromise is critical – even if it means watching that reality show you hate. Spoiler alert: It’s probably full of drama that will make your arguments look like mild disagreements.

5. Solve Your Solvable Problems

Do you know those arguments that can be solved if you stop being stubborn? Like who’s responsible for the laundry or how to load the dishwasher (hint: there’s only one correct way, and it’s yours). Focus on these issues and leave the existential debates for your next philosophical coffee date.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Some problems in marriage are like your uncle at Thanksgiving – they aren’t going anywhere. These are your perpetual issues, like how your partner wants to retire in the mountains, but you dream of a beachside condo. The key here is to talk about them without trying to win. It’s like playing Monopoly, where no one ever goes bankrupt – the goal is to keep the game going without flipping the board in a rage.

7. Create Shared Meaning

This one sounds deep because it is. It’s about creating a life together that has meaning and purpose. Maybe it’s raising kids, starting a business, or simply surviving a pandemic without losing your mind. Shared rituals, goals, and values keep you bonded. Think of it as building a tiny, chaotic empire where you’re both the rulers and the subjects.

Conclusion

Marriage is a rollercoaster of love, compromise, and occasionally wanting to throw your partner out the window (but not doing it because you love them). Gottman’s seven principles are the ultimate toolkit for navigating this crazy ride. Remember, it’s not about perfection – it’s about perfectly laughing through the imperfections. 

So, grab your partner, hold tight, and enjoy the ride. And don’t forget to bring your love map!

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