The story of Claire

Claire’s life circumstances would be considered as quite favorable by most. A single child to her divorced parents, Claire has always been doted on by both her mother and father. At almost forty now, this continues to be the case. Claire, on the other hand, continues to be moving from one episode of depression to another, while her parents keep accommodating her needs. Out of compassion, they create every comfort in her life to relieve her.

While most people who know Claire would fail to understand what in her life warrants depression, when I learned about Claire’s life, her emotional turmoil made perfect sense to me. 

The umbilical cord hasn’t been cut between Claire and her parents and she takes advantage of every benefit that comes with it, refusing to grow up.

When in her twenties, Claire wanted to go and study abroad. Not a cheap endeavor but Claire’s loving parents did everything in their power to make this happen for her. Indeed, she graduated from a university overseas. 

Back home, Claire lives at her father’s house - a large enough apartment in the center of the city. After aspirations to remain abroad and various travels, Claire ended up returning to her home country. Eventually, her father moved out of his home and in with his own aging mother. This was done under the pretext that he would be better able to look after the woman - now in her 90s - but really it was done to allow for Claire to have her own space. 

Claire herself would rarely visit with her grandmother. While she had never been particularly close with the woman, Claire claims that being in her company is too burdensome for her. So she lets her father, now in his 70s, do the cleaning, cooking and whatever else is needed in the care of the 90 year old. 

It isn’t for lack of time that Clare is not helping. She is, in fact, not working either. Claire’s work biography extends to a few jobs for a few months each. Claire uses her depressive states to justify her idleness and keeps relying on her parents financially to a great extent. In the meantime, she continues to mentally live in her teen years - hanging out with people when not depressed or planning her next trip.

Claire finds it hard to sustain relationships. It seems the only uninterrupted relationship is with her parents, in particular with her mother. Every time Claire feels depressed she withdraws from people. She is rarely the one initiating get togethers and tends to abandon people if something in the relationship doesn’t suit her. 

She seems consumed by the lack of a romantic relationship in her life. The more desperately she seeks love, the less people who she meets seem to want to commit to her. The presence of love is a basic human need. And giving love is as valuable to one’s love-o-meter as receiving love - something many don’t realise. It’s also easier to accomplish as this end of it is completely up to you. Thus, I suggested to Claire once that she could adopt a pet or volunteer somewhere - two ways in which she could offer love to others instead of obsessing over not being loved enough herself. Claire refused, insisting she values her freedom and ability to travel too much to commit to any of these things. 

Case in point - the above illustrates perfectly the core of the problem in Claire’s situation and the main reason for her depression - refusal of responsibility. 

Viktor Frankl talks about the importance of meaning in our lives. He goes as far as to say that happiness is only achieved as a by-product of a life that is meaningful. Based on my personal experience and observation of other people’s lives such as Claire’s, I would say - this is absolutely true. In fact, the presence of meaning in our lives is critical to our mental health, not just happiness. The lack of it can lead to anything from addictions to depression to OCD and more. 

So where do we find meaning? While what is meaningful is strictly individual in the details, there are universal sources of meaning in human life. One is our growth and maturity towards conscious and self-sustaining beings, whether materially or psychologically. Another is self-expression and/or creativity. Still another is goal setting and the pursuit of meaningful goals. 

There are, however, two universal sources of meaning in human life that are fundamental and absolutely critical to mental health. One is our relationship to others (friends, partner and family members) and the sense of connection that comes with that. The other is “being utilised” by life or in other words contributing to other people’s lives in some way.  

We derive meaning from all the above mentioned aspects of life but we derive it through responsibility. It is through acting responsibly that we create a meaningful life. Whether it is our relationships to others, the work we do, our achievement of goals or personal maturation and growth - all require a commitment, a continuous effort and acting responsibly. In other words, thinking about the consequences of our actions or inactions. 

When we only do what is easy, what is pleasurable, what we want to do in the moment and when we avoid doing what is right - for ourselves or for others - we deprive ourselves of meaning and by extension of happiness. One cannot be completely free or completely responsible for that disturbs the natural balance in life. We need both in the right proportions for psychological health, for a sense of fulfillment and happiness. 

Claire’s story is a perfect case study for what happens in one’s life when one has too much freedom and too little responsibility. Certainly, the refusal to grow up as well as the role parents have in that are relevant here too. But, ultimately, the responsibility remains with the individual, who despite acting in infantile manners, realises fully he or she is a grown person. The refusal of growth itself is frustrating to the psyche and usually leads to difficulties in dealing with life and mental health problems indeed.