Tips for Funeral Directors who will eventually direct a high-profile, line-of-duty funeral. To the community and their department, they are a hero. To the family, this is a Husband and love of their life, Dad or Mom that was always there for them, and overall, their special person! We must honor their needs!
Whether Police/Fire or Military, an active-duty death brings honor and professional participation in the events. That participation is beautiful to witness and be a part of. But we as the funeral director MUST be steadfast to keeping the innate needs of a family in the forefront. When we do not, many times the events will be overwhelmed with the participation of that branch/department, and the public recognition from the community, without the tender, special moments and needs of the family being met. You are their advocate!
(This photo was taken of a tender moment between a daughter and father (deceased) from a high-profile service I directed in 2020)
Below are a few tips for high-profile services I’ve learned along the way.
- First, you will find out that these arrangements are usually not just the family in attendance. They will have heads of the department or specialized liaisons from the military branch/department in attendance. I have even had liaisons with the specific union that the deceased was actively involved with want to help with expenses incurred and be a part of the events. All of these entities are usually very keen to the family’s needs, however, one of their agendas will be the involvement and representation of the department or military branch’s professional brothers and sisters. That is normal and necessary, but if not properly directed, this can be overwhelming and has taken over many arrangements. I trained in our funeral home that the funeral director must honor the professional needs of whatever department is taking part but must keep things focused to the family's core needs as well. To grieve, plan, mourn and celebrate their special person with an active role during the entire process.
- I recommend to funeral professionals, have at least two of your own licensed funeral directors involved in the arrangement and following meetings. One of those directors should be in charge of the family and the other with an eye on communicating with the branch or department liaisons. The reason for this is that it can become very overwhelming for just one person to balance the needs of both family and professional entities. We need you on point, fresh and on your toes throughout the process, and having multiple A-players on your staff involved will certainly help you achieve that.
- The day of arrangements, make sure to clear your schedule of any other events. If you are going to achieve perfection, you must dedicate the time needed to organize the many aspects of this high-profile situation. Before, during and after the funeral arrangement. This is not the day to have another arrangement coming up that you need to focus on.
- Set aside a larger space for this meeting. Usually, you will have more family show up for this kind of arrangement and when you add in all of the professional heads and liaisons in attendance, it is larger than the norm. You don’t want to be cramped into a small arrangement room. Many times, I would set up the chapel or visitation rooms for this to take place. Also, during your first call and contact with the family, you might prepare them to let their family know that they should designate family members that are the core group that will be planning and setting services. They will then reach out to spread information of events to come to the rest of their family. In my experience, the high-profile situations bring MANY more family members that want to participate, and the arrangement conference should not be the place for that. This should be just the immediate core family members. So, set that expectation early with the family, so that they can organize who will be coming for the funeral arrangement.
- Be prepared for the department or military to inform you that they want or need to station with the deceased 24 hours a day until burial or cremation. Many departments do this and do it in shifts. Make sure a manager or owner is involved in this, and feeling comfortable to allowing the funeral home to be un-armed with the alarm system, with the department only having access to one door, preferably back of house, to do their shift changes. All others should be locked at all times. Always have a fresh pot(s) of coffee, refreshments and even snacks set out for the individuals who will be standing guard throughout the evening, morning and afternoon. Treat them well, and they will never forget you! They will spread the good word!
- For the initial family viewing, ask the family if they would prefer to have complete and utter privacy during this moment. It can be very uncomfortable to have this special, intimate, emotional first viewing of their special person, with two strangers standing stoically on guard directly next to the casket. I have NEVER had honor guard tell me that they were not willing to leave the room, and just stand guard outside of the room, during the family’s special moments. Remember, ultimately our responsibility and charge, is to help give this family the moments they will need to effectively transition into their life without that person. This is one of the most sacred and special moments. Eventually, all of the people participating will fade into their own lives again and the family will be left to figure out their “new normal”.
- In terms of the family reserved sections during the ceremony, plan accordingly. If the family is open to having the entire family (and not just a few rows of core family) sit together, ask for a specific count. THEN, reserve more than that number. Two or three rows more. Again, in my experience, everyone in their family will be coming out of the woodwork to be a part of this ceremony. Plan accordingly!
- As mentioned before, many times after the final event/burial or cremation, all of these departments will be leaving the family to their regular lives. Make sure that the funeral home stays in touch with this family (as we should all families) by offering them support and guidance over the coming weeks and possibly months. The events, most likely, were very overwhelming to this family, and now they are left with the silence of their thoughts, memories of their person, and yet the tasks of regular life that don’t go away.
Finally, thank you for doing what you do. You are an integral part of the entire process for any family, but the high-profile family needs you as much as any! We must recognize your importance as an advocate in making sure that this family, the family that chose for you to care for their special person, and also chose you for your expertise to handle the overall situation has been given their moments during this fresh time of loss.
Detoxification Coach
1yWell said - awesome reminder :-)
Ohio’s Education Go-To-Market leader at Modern Office Methods - supporting school districts with 21st century technology, automation and tools to stand in the way of cyber threats.
2yWell said David! Your passion for Funeral Service is transformational and sharing this knowledge is a gift to other practitioners.
Custom Eulogies and Funeral Tributes
2yGreat advice David! Always remember that you are their advocate.