Unions Shut Down North Pole Following Santa’s Embrace of AI

By Adam Thierer

Billions of children are waiting nervously to hear whether their Christmas dreams will be dashed this year as trade unions continue their shutdown of Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole. This follows a move by Santa Claus to tap new artificial intelligence (AI) and robotic technologies to help ensure faster and more widespread gift delivery to children across the globe.

This fall, Santa announced a long overdue effort to automate the archaic toy creation and distribution system that had remained largely unchanged in recent centuries. “The power of AI and industrial robotics presents us with the chance to improve toy quality as well as the complicated logistics of getting gifts out to billions of kids in so many homes across the globe in just one evening,” Santa said when launching the effort. “This will also improve Elfin work conditions in our toy factories through safer, more efficient production processes.”

Members of the Arctic Circle Cobblers and Sleighworkers Union quickly moved to organize against Santa’s plan, fearing the impact on jobs and wages. They launched a “NO Tech-XMAS” strike and shut down Santa’s Workshop, threatening all Christmas deliveries until a union-set quota of Elfin physical labor is used to fulfill all children’s wish lists with the same tools used since the early 1800s.

“Santa will find Rudolph’s head under his sheets if he’s not careful,” said union boss Hank “The Heat Miser” Corleone, who rallied protesters outside Santa’s Workshop. “Hey hey, ho ho, evil Santa’s got to go!” the crowd chanted loudly as the man in red tried to enter the factory.

An array of D.C. think tanks and media personalities lined up in support of the union’s strike and hosted several salon dinners featuring prominent Beltway pundits and journalists to plot their response. The president of the Society for the Preservation of Traditional Elfin Values released a statement claiming that Santa’s move to automate “undermined everything sacred about a season based on giving each other a lot of gifts we probably don’t want or need, but that are made the right way nonetheless.” A Cobblers and Sleighworkers Union fundraiser was organized, for which Beyoncé was asked to sing “Silent Night.” The crowd was disappointed when the superstar merely delivered a short speech.

In related news, windows were smashed at a local Starbucks by members of the local chapter of the Young Democratic Socialists of America from the North Pole School of Arts after students discovered sugar cookies being fashioned to look like Santa Claus. Local police also discovered a sleigh belonging to Santa’s wife, Mrs. Claus, on fire in an alley behind the coffee shop. 

Santa may be eager to maximize the Christmas magic this year, but whether AI is any match for a union with cobbling tools and a penchant for chanting more than just carols remains to be seen.

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