The unspoken cost of conversational debt

Welcome to the latest edition of the “How to be a co-creative leader” newsletter!

Last night, I was on stage for an event called “So you think you can speak?”, organized by the Quebec Chapter of the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers (CAPS). I joined CAPS last year and I’m still finding my way in the group.

We had 5 minutes to speak on anything we wanted, followed by some feedback from a panel of coaches. Because I am still in the energy afterglow of the event, our topic for today will be the same one that I covered last night: Conversational debt.

This edition will introduce you to the concept of conversational debt and how it impacts both your personal and professional lives, often with you even realizing it. We will explore together how like financial debt, it can accumulate slowly over time and become unmanageable, leading to greater problems and miscommunications.

Let’s get started!

What is conversational debt?

Conversational debt is all about the missing conversations in your life. Those conversations that you should be having but that you are not. Conversational debt is a lot like credit card debt, it starts out very manageable because you are making a full payment every month. 

Eventually, things get bad and you start making only the minimum payments. As time goes along, the amount of debt keeps increasing and you lose control. Conversational debt is basically the same thing, but with the conversations that you are not having in your life. 

Let’s take a moment and get personal here… What are some of the conversations that you are not having with your spouse or with your children? What is the lingering effect of not having these conversations with your loved ones?

Let’s bring this to the realm of business? What are some of the conversations that you are not having in your team or in your organization that you really need to have?

What does conversational debt look like?

It feels like giving you some concrete examples here will help this land more. Let’s cover this from both a personal and business level for fun.

What conversations are you not having with your spouse? Is your person meeting your emotional needs? Is your person treating you with the love and respect that you deserve? On the opposite end of the spectrum, what are some of the wounds that you created for this person? Have you ever spoken about them and apologized for any of your behaviors?

What conversations are you not having with your team? You know that person that always arrives late in meetings and that irritates everyone as soon as they arrive. Or maybe it’s that person that regularly misbehaves in meetings that no one calls out. It could also be those people in virtual meetings that refuse to turn on their cameras by default.

Wherever it may happen, it is important to note that even the small conversations you are not having count. This is not just about avoiding big taboo topics. One conversation here and there may not seem all that important as well but it adds up and creates a mess in the end that you need to deal with.

Why does conversational debt happen?

I talked to you a lot about the missing conversations but the larger question is why does conversational debt happen? Why are people not having these missing conversations?

Over time, I found there are many typical reasons for this such as:

• You may feel illegitimate to speak up. In a team context, you may feel uncomfortable calling out a colleague or bringing up a sensitive topic if you are not in a position of authority.
• You may feel nothing is going to change. If this is a recurring discussion that keeps coming back, you may wonder what’s the point of trying anymore.
• You may feel ill equipped to have the conversation. You may be worried that you don’t have the soft skills to have this discussion without it blowing up or having the other person get upset with you.
• You may not even know a conversation is possible. For the same issue, you can have many different kinds of discussions to address it, there is an art to figuring out the right one to have. You may be unaware of how to initiate a conversation that could be constructive so you just stop and hold back instead.

Any or all of these possibilities may be holding you back. Before trying to figure out which one applies to you, a good starting point is just to try to notice the missing conversations to address different situations.

Once you spot the missing conversation, you can try to figure out which of the above is holding you back from having it.

The real cost of conversational debt…

Whether in your professional or personal life, there is a huge hidden cost to conversational debt. These missing conversations can create mistrust and disengagement which eventually creates a feeling of isolation and lack of connection.

In a team, it creates conversations where people no longer listen to each other. It creates meetings where teams go around in circles as they avoid talking about the real issue at hand. It creates frustration as team members see issues that remain unaddressed for a long time. 

Over the long run, it creates retention issues as people run away for greener pastures as they no longer want to deal with the dysfunction in their relationship or in their team. 

Unfortunately once again, whether in your business or professional life, you may not see that the root cause of a lot of the pain you are experiencing stems from conversations you are not having.

What are some next steps you can take?

The goal of this newsletter is to introduce you to the topic, not necessarily share strategies to address it. Throughout the newsletter, I gave you links to different articles on my blog that talk either about how to have conversations or about conversational debt. You will find more information by following those links to find different strategies to tackle it.

In the meantime, here are some practical steps you can take:

1. Make an inventory of your conversational debt. This does not need to be a long exhaustive list. The goal is not to address it or fix it all but to start building some awareness. A list of 5 or 10 items at most is more than enough at this point.
2. Prioritize the conversations. Which one of these would bring you the most value to have as soon as possible. If you had to pick just one or two to practice with, which ones would they be.
3. Identify what is holding you back. Why aren’t you having these conversations? Which one of the points that I identified earlier is preventing you from having it? 
4. Start with one conversation. Which conversation from your list are you willing to try to have now? Keep in mind that it does not need to be big and dramatic. It can be as simple as having a heart-to-heart discussion with your child or your spouse to express your appreciation.

The goal of this exercise is for you to build some awareness and try something. I want you to start bringing attention to some of the important conversations that you are not having in your life. I also want you to start seeing what happens when you start addressing some of the conversational debt in your life.

One final note about this exercise. It is not meant to be an exercise in radical candor. Be mindful and respectful if you need to have some conversations that are potentially more sensitive. That is why I was telling you to find initial conversations that seem safer to have but where the act of having this conversation will nudge you out of your comfort zone.

Conclusion

In this edition of the newsletter, I introduced you to the notion of conversational debt, the different reasons why it happens and the impact that it can have in your life.

I hope this edition inspired you to take a closer at some of the conversational debt in your life. By identifying and addressing these missing conversations, you will build stronger, more authentic relationships with the people around you. You will also be able to create a more cohesive and effective team environment. 

I encourage you to share your experiences or questions about conversational debt in the comments or even reach out directly to me via DM here on LinkedIn. Sharing your experiences will help others see the impact of conversational debt in their lives as well.

Are you ready to dive deeper?

If today’s insights sparked your curiosity and you are ready to explore further, I’m here to guide you. It all starts with a conversation so click here to schedule a discovery call with me. Together, we can tailor a development plan that aligns with your unique leadership style and goals.

Thank you for taking the time to engage with this newsletter, and I look forward to supporting you in your journey to becoming a co-creative leader.

About Steffan Surdek

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With over a decade of experience in leadership coaching, I've dedicated my career to helping executives and management teams unlock their full potential. My approach is centered around the concept of Co-Creative Leadership, focusing on fostering a culture of collaboration and action-oriented learning.

If you're looking to transform your team's dynamics, enhance collaboration, or reduce conversational debt, I'm here to guide you. Feel free to schedule a discovery call by clicking here.

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