Useless Emails, Just for You!

Dear The Recipient, 

This special message is just for you!

How many times, The Recipient, have you wished to be annoyed by useless emails? Well, The Recipient, now your troubles are over! With our service, you can receive free*, useless emails tailored just for you! Our state-of-the-art system, relying on the most-advanced Artificial Dimwit technology, can keep you informed, amused, and clueless for blissful hours as a time.

See how useless this useless email is? It is just a taste of the useless emails we can send you. Sign up** now, The Recipient, and start receiving useless emails right away!

Select any of these exciting categories, The Recipient. Or select them all!

• Innovative new products. Have you ever heard of smart paper-towel holders? Now you have! Imagine calling out “Alexa! I, The Recipient, wish you to rotate the paper towels 21 degrees clockwise!” It is a level of precision no human can achieve. You will wonder how you lived without it, The Recipient.
• Up-to-the-microsecond polling results for crucial political races. You will never have to wonder how the good citizens of Antimony, the key city of Middle Truzahkovialand, feel about the candidates for school district five. You will never have to wonder, The Recipient, because you will know!
• The latest helpful hints for home improvement. The Recipient, just think about how your neighbors will envy the new, genuine simulated Greek columns that flank your front door. They will never know you sculpted them from useless leftover potato skins according to our useless plans. (We won’t tell!) And our helpful hints always go one extra, essential step beyond lesser useless emails: Use organic potato skins!
• Weather forecasts, 100% accurate. You will never be surprised, The Recipient, because our useless weather forecasts are never wrong. We tell you precisely about yesterday’s weather, so you can confidently plan what you should have done just one day ago!
• Traffic reports. As a special added useless bonus for you, The Recipient, we will include, at no extra charge, traffic reports for a full week ago. Those reports include handy information such as whether you got pulled over for a traffic violation.
• Shopping lists right in your email (available in beta version). Find out what you forgot to buy even though you promised your spouse that you would remember. No spouse? No problem! We will show you how to construct a genuine simulated spouse out of leftover potato skins.

The Recipient, we can tell you are our kind of customer. We told you this email is useless, and yet you kept reading. You are special!

As you can see, we offer top-quality uselessness. Stick with us and never fear, The Recipient. No emails are more useless than ours.

Uselessly yours,

The Sender

* “Free” means your ISP will not charge you for useless emails unless you go over your data limits. We, on the other hand, will nag you so much you will eventually pay us to go away. Please note that, by paying us to go away, we will identify you as one of our most valued and loyal former customers, and we will sell your contact details to our valued and useless partners who will offer you free* access to their services.

** Signing up is optional. Obviously, we already have your email address. We just want you to feel a sense of control, like the little plastic steering wheel your three-year-old turns while you drive.

*** There is no reference in this email to a three-asterisk footnote. See how useless our emails really are? So welcome, The Recipient! We are always here for you. Always.

 P.S. Remember to buy potatoes.