Validation…. Is it Important?

What does validation mean to you? 

The desire to be validated and accepted by ourselves and others is human nature. We are often our worst critic as we constantly ignore the efforts put in by us whenever we hit road blocks and hardly ever acknowledge the outcomes achieved. Validation communicates acceptance, encouragement, and positivity. 

Born and brought up in an Indian family, validation and praise were not the things that my parents were generous with. Even when I scored my best for a test, a typical response would be “You could have done better.” The younger me took this as a criticism and I thought to myself “When will I be good enough?” A thought that always crossed my mind was “Good enough for who?” 

Well I carried this from my childhood, to adolescence, to teenage and so much so that even as an adult I needed constant validation for work done. I looked for appreciation and would get immense satisfaction when praised and acknowledged. Like when I dressed for a party, I would go around the house and even ask friends how I looked and would wait for a positive comment. That’s how my brain was wired. 

Until recently when I began my journey as a life coach, I finally started to question myself – What does it mean to be good enough? Do I need the validation of people to be good enough? What will happen if others don’t validate me? 

We started off with peer coaching sessions from week two. Every time after a session I would ask my coachee to tell me how the session went for her. In my heart I was looking for appreciation and positive comments that would kind of validate that I am on the right track. This went on for a couple sessions until I had a one on one session with my mentor. This was an eye opener when I was made to realise that I am on a journey and the best one who can know me is myself. So instead of asking others how has the session been for you, I started to focus on what did I do that was better than the last time? I acknowledged my learning in this journey. Over a period of time I stopped asking for feedback from my coachee rather I would pen down my reflections post a session and make this an as ongoing learning experience. 

I began to self validate myself. I began to acknowledge the efforts I made however small it may be. This impacted on all areas of my life where I didn’t have to wait for appreciation and acknowledgment. This reduced my expectations and the possibility of any hurt that I would have otherwise felt, and in turn made me more confident. 

All this required a lot of conscious effort but the fact that I ‘realized’, was the first step that I took for myself through this journey. 

Author - Pooja Kenia