We don't have the ability to change others, just ourselves!

Hi Love Leader!

What happens when only one person in the relationship is ready to actually seek some kind of intervention and help? Listen, after 30 years of working with couples very, very rarely does both of them come to the place at the same time that says, we're at a place where we really need to reach out and do something different, and maybe possibly consider getting some kind of professional help. In fact, the statistics are really certain that couples wait, and they either think about getting help. They then talk about getting help. They come in and out of kind of a crisis, situation, or conflict. They might ask others what their best recommendations are for a referral. They might research names. They might keep that name for a while. They come in and out of this place for up to four to seven years before they reach out sometimes even longer.

I realized that some of these situations can get more escalated, and more rigid, the fight cycles can get unyielding, and faster and more frequent before both people show up in the room. A lot of people will call and they'll say, “What do I do, Dr. Shannon? I can't get my partner on board. They're not ready to do the work. They don't feel as intensely about the need for some kind of, you know, professional intervention. So what do I do when it seems powerless and hopeless?”

So we, you know, get more disgruntled as if we don't have any options here. And listen, it just feels like a stuck place. A lot of times when this situation finally presents itself, a lot of the couples are looking to me as a professional to referee and want to tell their side of the story and want me to choose a side and tell their partner how they need to change and who's right in this scenario. Really, and truly, that's not really what I do with couples in my work with them; I really am a facilitator of change. And in all reality, the percentage of the couples that come in that it’s really truly a one-sided issue is very rare. Both people in the relationship, especially if they've been in this kind of stuck place for a number of years, have moved and adjusted and have equal kinds of areas that need to be maybe addressed to become more safe and secure in the relationship. So it's not really about choosing sides; it really really changes producing and facilitating change on each side.

What I do suggest to people that do not have a partner that is willing to start this process or willing to start that work and are really kind of hunkered down and their want to’s might have shifted, their desire to want to provide for needs and wants has shifted, or even to provide the “it matters to me” kind of attitude and the relationship has begun to erode and that intimacy has begun to decline, I just really offer one thing. Start where you have the ability to have power and influence; power and influence on change are that we don't have the ability to change others, we only have the ability to change ourselves. I know that's a hard thing to swallow in a lot of situations where you feel like you are the offended party or maybe the other person has more arena to have to change in, but considering the options of having no power influence to maybe a refocus on the areas that you actually have the power to change and would be probably little more hopeful.

So what I encourage these people to do is begin the process. Begin working on the areas that maybe you can begin to move, shift and change. If we've been stuck in a loveless, lifeless, maybe even sexless marriage, that can be a very frustrating place. We develop ways of negatively coping. We develop ways that we show up in that relationship that are self-protective, maybe even counterintuitive to creating change or emotional shifts back to one another. Begin the process of looking at yourself, and begin the process of finding positive ways of coping more. Ways of looking at self in the world view and in your view of the marriage in different kinds of ways. Getting emotional needs met in ways that can enhance how you show up differently in the relationship. Listen, every relationship kind of needs a hero in the beginning. They might need somebody that starts blazing the trail first, where they are saying “I'm willing to take a little bit more emotional risk, a little bit more vulnerability, a little bit more added effort where I'm showing up a little differently, where maybe my partner can see me trying to see me move and shift the thermometer a little bit changing the thermostat temperature in the relationship differently.” And that takes a lot of inner strength! And it might take a lot of inner work in order for you to be honest with yourself and be willing to carry that torch first. That's a hard place to be, but it can be done. I see it all the time where one person begins the process and then over time, slowly, they can be that light and then influence to allow that partner to get on the path with you.

And if for nothing else, it will bring you a place of greater coping and bring you to a place of greater joy. You'll learn different approaches to you know, increase your own self-confidence and self-esteem, you can increase your own healthy ways of coping, and learn kinds of things like emotional detachment and identifying ways of protesting in the relationship that brings a little bit more capable of a connecting point. It can bring you ways of finding inner peace and inner, spiritual connection that will give you more strength to enter in ways that you never have before.

I work with women in my Exceedingly program that does just that. It's a journey to living abundantly, mind, body, and spirit. And it means no matter what your circumstances, whether you're single and want to be in a relationship and don't want to repeat old patterns, or maybe you're coming out of a very unfortunate period of grief and loss, and you want ways to better enhance your restorative process, or maybe you are in one of these stuck places in a long term relationship or marriage, and you have no other options available but to begin the process on your own. I offer this program to those women, and there's a new one coming up! It’s going to be kicking off on January 16, just in time for the New Year!

You can say, “you know what, I'm just going to take what I have and that's where I'm going to start and I'm just going to trust the journey. And I am going to lean into the components so that I possibly can get out of my own way and get out of the rut. I'm going to open myself up to discovery. I'm going to open myself up to adventure and curiosity. And I am going to be responsible for my own peace, my own journey, and my own happiness. I'm going to work on myself and where that leads. I'm just going to trust the process.”

If this sounds like the area that you might be interested in and you want to blaze your own trail in 2023, then join me! You want to start the process with you. Loving well might start with you learning to love yourself well because that is the ultimate commandment. We have to love others as we love ourselves. Sometimes it's really hard to show up and love in ways that we don't necessarily understand when we don't overflow with our own ability to love ourselves. How can it be easy to give away when we don't love ourselves? Filling yourself up for the purpose of overflowing and learning how to love others well might be just the very place that you need to start.

If you missed the livenar you can rewatch it in the Facebook group! In this free webinar, I talk you through what these principles are, how you actually live abundantly despite circumstances, mind, body, and spirit, and what is this thing that connects us mind, body, and spirit? I give you some new year tips to start that journey. You can join the Exceedingly Facebook group for more information on the program and conversation around the livenar!

I hope to see you on the inside of the Facebook group, and I hope to be a partner in your journey on where you can start regardless of any circumstances that are in your life, and help you to find greater amounts of joy, greater amounts of hope, a greater amounts of forgiveness, self-acceptance, and your ability to learn how to love yourself well so that you can give back in the capacities that you have power and control over.

Keep loving well!

Dr. Shanon