We need to redefine success

Republished on Medium

I’ve been wanting to write this for some time now, especially as a “break” from the more formal writing I do, and engage in something more personal. Thankfully, a spontaneous conversation this morning with a dear friend inspired me to finally share some thoughts I’ve been entertaining lately. It’s one that’s all about success, how we define it (indeed, who “we” even is), and perhaps what it should look like. It’s hardly a novel concept – there are at least 11 TED talks on this subject alone. Instead of simply repackaging existing wisdom, I’d rather share some of my thoughts in this incredibly difficult time when much of the conventional way society has functioned is under great stress.

I say this knowing full well that millions around the world are struggling. Many feel insecure, and are worried about how they’ll be able to buy food, pay rent, or look after their family. I recognise that for anyone in such a situation, success may very likely simply mean getting by. I’m not tone deaf, and we don’t need to sugarcoat it; it’s a tough time. Our current predicament does, however, offer an opportunity to think deeply about what we all want out of life beyond meeting the basics. And I hope one of those things we do in light of COVID-19 will include redefining the entire notion of success.

During the aforementioned conversation, my friend spoke about feeling a deep sense of imposter syndrome and even intimidation after looking through a recently released 40 under 40 list of next-generation leaders in her specific field of interest. I quickly dismissed her dismay. “Forget those lists,” I said. “Don’t get me wrong; they are a great way to promote young professionals, and I love it when someone I’ve met ends up on one (especially when I know they’ve worked so hard for what they have). But at the same time, there are almost 8 billion people in the world. Many of those individuals are doing really wonderful things, and will never make it. Just take it with a grain of salt.”

I then used my own career as an example. I said that I consider myself fairly successful, and asked her if she’d agree. “Absolutely!” she said, resoundingly, to which I promptly responded: “OK, well, newsflash: I would never end up on one of those lists. Why? Because I fall outside of the parameters.”

This is the exact point I want to make: We define success so narrowly that we often completely overlook all the people working in the myriad domains that exist and the pathways to get there.

Now, before I continue, I want to be absolutely clear that I have nothing against the “30 under 30s” or “40 under 40s” lists.” I’m quite cognisant that someone could easily dismiss this post as a rant by someone who is simply envious, but that’s not the point at all. It's nothing against those individuals either. They've worked hard and should be celebrated; good for them! 

On the contrary, as I told my friend, many such lists – which I’m only using as an example because they highlight my point so well – usually focus on business, startups/entrepreneurship, or technology as well as a specific geographic region or similar criterion. There are countless other individuals who would never be spotlighted simply because they don't meet the criteria set out by those lists. Not only do they demonstrate how arbitrary the socially defined parameters or metrics of success can be, but it’s critical that we stop comparing. 

As I stressed to my friend using her own story as an example, she has completely different goals, especially now (she’s worked hard to get into graduate school in Europe, and is now going through the byzantine labyrinth of visa processing to make it in time for classes and be with her partner). Once she overcomes this – and she will because that is who she is: a woman that gets things done – she would have accomplished one of her biggest goals to date. Is that not success?

It made me think about how we often minimise our own accomplishments, in part because they aren’t necessarily recognised by socially defined criteria. Many of which, by the way, will never be visible to anyone but ourselves – the struggles you've overcome; the challenges you conquered; you know what you've done. It may seem small or insignificant to most other than those who love you, and you'll likely never get recognised for them, but they each contributed to the person you are. And that is a special kind of success.

It’s a good reminder, too, that the media can be misleading. It’s easy to read a profile of a “successful” individual, but you don’t necessarily know what’s not being included – their struggles, their setbacks, their privilege. You also didn’t hear about the countless others who simply weren’t able to get the spotlight but may have done equally remarkable things. Likewise, fame is not the same as success, and I apologise if it's axiomatic that not every successful person is necessarily well-known. As I said, there are almost 8 billion people on Earth. How can we get to know them all and make an independent judgement on how to objectively define success based on common criteria? 

Exactly; we can’t, but that’s OK! 

It’s important to recognise that, and identify what does contribute to our understanding of success – be it parents, teachers, colleagues, directors, magazine editors, or HR managers. 

And in an age when many chastise my fellow Millennials for attention/validation-seeking or all the awards and superlatives, I find it humorous how we’re still expected to conform to ridiculous notions of what it means to be successful – a six-figure salary, industry recognition, a home in the suburbs or a nice flat in the city, etc. etc. Even beyond professional life, many cultures (including my own) venerate marrying a “nice boy/girl from a nice family” as a token of success. I’m sorry to disappoint all the tetas (grandmothers) and aunts, 3ammos (uncles) and parents when I say that many will go on to lead incredibly successful, enriching, and fulfilling lives, despite not doing this. 

Perhaps I’m being a bit hyperbolic or overly embellishing, but the point is that success, like most things, is constrained by language and the confines of capitalism. This is, despite the fact, that many suffer from the phenomenon of working “bullshit jobs” (RIP David), and that money (or rather, salary) is the way that society quantifies value and, essentially, success as well. 

Many of us are either explicitly or implicitly taught that anything beyond that – whether it’s raising a family as a stay-at-home parent, taking care of a sick/disabled loved one, or volunteering within our community – should simply be overlooked and discarded, especially if painted as obligatory or relegated to being “women’s work” (the relationship between class, success, and wealth – such as how wealth tends to reinforce wealth and the ability to access more opportunities and better education – is another matter entirely, but I’ll skip that for now).

Yet, no one hands out awards for personal development (there’s no “40 under 40 who overcome many personal struggles to become a better person" list); we just expect it. So, don't hold these things against yourself, regardless of whether or not you’re doing what society expects from you. It's OK if you, too, never make a list, it doesn't make you any less worthy. We seek attention in some way, and it feels great to be recognised. We can’t let it consume us, though. And the ultimate irony is that success at age 30 and success at age 40 often look entirely different, and it often differs dramatically from person to person.

What then is success?

By defining success in narrow ways and via external social gatekeepers, we overlook the value that is derived from the diversity of our societies, and from the inherent dignity and value that work offers to the enrichment of humanity as a whole. Not everyone can be a doctor, an engineer, a veterinarian, or a successful entrepreneur, just like every honeybee isn’t the queen. 

And that’s OK, though, too! 

That’s not to say that we should be complacent or accept our lot in life with silent acquiescence. Some of the most inspiring stories of success stem from individuals rising above their circumstances. True, not everyone can be a doctor or every bee the queen, but humans are not biologically and socially programmed the way bees are (even though I’m sure I am, for the sake of argument, doing a serious disservice to bees by drastically reducing their behaviour). 

Humans at least can still promote social institutions that provide opportunities for all, and strive to appreciate good work done. It reminds me of a famous exchange between a janitor who worked at NASA and President John F. Kennedy. During a visit to NASA in 1962, the president noticed a janitor carrying a broom. He interrupted his tour, walked over to the man, and said, “Hi, I'm Jack Kennedy. What are you doing?" And the man replied: “Well, Mr. President, I’m helping put a man on the moon.” 

By working together and diversifying, both humans and bees create rich societies, ones that can land humans on the moon or simply pollinate our flowers and make delicious honey. And given how much the former relies on the latter, I’d say that’s pretty successful. 

This point reminds me of a profound talk delivered at TEDxBeirut in 2011 by Michael Kouly. I say profound because his reflections have resonated with me since, especially his revelation to me of something that may seem self-evident to so many others. Our lives are not just one thing; we have multiple roles, and can fail or succeed at any number of them. Experiencing a divorce doesn’t inherently make someone a bad parent, nor does it stop them from being renowned in their field or industry. Again, this may seem axiomatic, but I had never thought about it that way. It’s important, too, given that being self-confident these days is practically an act of rebellion in light of the world we inhabit, one that preys on our self-loathing and insecurity – one more reason it’s important not to compare, even if we set collective benchmarks or recognise extraordinary achievement. 

Success doesn’t mean having all the answers, either. As an account that memorialises the late theoretical physicist Richard Feynman recently tweeted, it’s OK to say "I don't know!" Not only is the author right in affirming that there's no shame in such an admission – the only shame is to pretend that we know everything – but the unknown provides us with an opportunity to learn and develop. One of my favourite quotes is from Marie Curie: “Nothing in life is to be feared; it is only to be understood.” Imagine if schools taught that instead of encouraging an anxiety-inducing rat race for grades that ultimately don’t matter?

If there is any ultimate metric for success that anyone should abide by, it may need to be a simple one: what communities are you supporting or causes are you championing? Are you improving the lives of others or the world around us? Are you striving to test yourself or even the limits of our species? These may sound lofty, but are actually incredibly subjective. Being a wealthy philanthropist may be touted as the pinnacle of success (and indeed, we’re subtly taught that), but what about the individuals working in their communities to help the elderly? Or the people I know who devote all of their free time to animal shelters? What makes them any less successful? To me then it’s clear: success means finding roles that you want to inhabit, that inspire you to be the best version of yourself as possible, fosters your passion, and ultimately helps the world be a better, brighter place. Imagine a world where we defined an unscrupulous investment banker making millions as a failure – perhaps our teachers or nurses would be millionaires instead.

And the best part? Psychology agrees. Writing for Quartz, Emily Esfahani Smith underscored how Psychology shows that one of the biggest mistakes we can make is to base our self-worth on our professional achievements. As she rightfully argues, to thrive, people need to feel like they have a role to play in their communities.

Not everyone is Einstein, Bach, or Picasso, and that’s OK! At the same time, Einstein still had to learn how to add and subtract, Bach had to learn the difference between an E flat and an F sharp, and I’m sure that Picasso’s first attempt at art wasn’t exactly auction-worthy (the fact that his dad was a painter who taught him all he knew probably didn’t hurt either).

Never stop working to improve yourself, learn, and grow. Do what makes you happy, engaged, and passionate. If it can be your day job that also pays the bills, then wonderful. If it’s more of a weekend-thing, or something after work, that’s OK too. As long as it brings you joy and fulfilment; and if it betters the world around us, then that makes it that much sweeter and will undoubtedly contribute to your success. Solidarity is more important now than ever, and it’s high-time we think about how that translates into how we’re supporting one another and creating conditions that encourage people to measure success in more socially beneficial ways.

Just remember: you’re doing OK. If you take anything away from this post, aside from my eternal gratitude that you decided to read my ramblings, just remember that it’s a tough time. Give yourself a break, and don’t be so hard on yourself.

What do you think? Does this resonate? What am I missing? I’d love to hear your thoughts!