“Wednesdays with Manav” — The Smoking Chapter: Part 2
Read part 1 here > Part 1
I didn’t stop. I had a guilt of smoking, but that wasn’t enough to stop my craving for cigarettes.
I also now had no stopping from my home. My mom and dad were not the ones who force things on their child but give them their space and freedom.
And I enjoyed that freedom totally. Now, smoking was like my identity in society. It all started with a lady who was my mother’s friend, and when she saw me smoking one day, like a typical Indian society of those times — She called my mother and told directly about my smoking thing.
There were more people like that, some said directly on the face, and some said subtly, but it was a big deal for them that I have started smoking.
Now, the good part about my parents is that they never said anything to me. Whatever their friends said to them about me and my smoking, they never transferred anything to me.
I got to know all this a few months back only, that too when I asked them specifically about it.
Now, there might be a thought in your mind that maybe if my parents stopped me and controlled me, I might have stopped smoking and would have never fallen into this habit.
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
I had all my friends around me who hid from their family about their smoking habit, and they were worse than me in every sense. They always thought about people around and never enjoyed being what they are.
I was totally different from them and confident in my own skin. I had a confidence that was unmatched with all the people around me in that era.
This is still in me that I don’t think about people around me and just do whatever I feel is good. This has made me unbeatable. I don’t need to follow the crowd.
Let me shed some light on two aspects of smoking in those years when I became addicted to smoking.
The Buzz
All the smokers will relate to this — The first smoke of the day.
It is a thing that has the highest level of dopamine hitting you. You crave and wait for that moment every single day.
I remember distinctly, the best time of my day was those four to eight seconds when I got my first unlit smoke of the day in hand, and I put it in my mouth, lit it, and dragged the first puff.
Nothing beats the feeling of that smoke. The wholesome feeling and the nicotine buzz make your day. And for me, it was the freedom of doing it without many constraints.
But on holidays and weekends, when I had no college or anywhere to go, I craved badly for the first smoke. Sometimes, I slipped out making an excuse that was understood by my mom and dad. But, most of the times, I felt bad doing it. I am a person who hates lying to their parents.
But, I didn’t want to come out as a chain smoker to my parents openly. Hence, I lied to go out and never felt good about it.
But that dopamine hit was more than the guilt of lying to my parents.
The second-best buzz was smoking after a long period of time into the day.
This happened often to me when I used to date my then GF and now wife. She never loved my smoking habit and always said to me to quit it. She requested not to smoke the day we were meeting, until I quit!
Whenever I met her for the whole day, I never smoked. But, seeing anyone smoking made me restless to smoke. I got into a fight with her even for asking or thinking about smoke.
I know she was worried about my health, hence she wanted to interrupt. Well, later in life — She never said to me not to smoke.
Recommended by LinkedIn
The moment I was over with the date day, I rushed towards the cigarette shop and enacted the same act to get those higher levels of dopamine.
The buzz used to hit hard, and I used to feel complete in every sense.
The edibles I enjoyed at that time -
All my food habits were now high on carbs. The reason was simple; more the carbs in food, more I enjoyed smoke!
The Buzz Depletes
Gradually, I stopped getting the buzz from smoking, even from the first cigarette of the day.
Yet, I didn’t quit because I got addicted to the smoke that comes out of my mouth.
In this phase, I don’t want to smoke, but I ought to smoke. I needed to keep up with my smoker personality. There is no pleasure, like before.
With that starts the depletion of health. I got some early signals of my deteriorating health.
I started having some breathing issues. So, at night, I wasn’t able to sleep due to that. I felt like someone was choking me when I lie down.
I felt my lungs aren’t working automatically. I told myself in the night that I won’t smoke anymore.
But, everything was forgotten in the day. I smoked.
I went to the doctor to solve this issue, and he suggested me to stop smoking. I didn’t accept that at this age, whatever I do, how can I have an issue due to smoking?
I thought about stopping smoking while I was smoking.
The same moment, I saw an old man in the car, buying four packs of cigarette. I saw him, and he turned out to be the doctor I just met, who said not to smoke and it’s injurious to health.
I hid myself and thought he just had a heart attack a few months back. Is he smoking again? Even after a heart attack, he is alive and kicking. He is still smoking, and he looked fine. He is also alive.
I cannot be so weak that I can’t take smoking anymore? This is not possible. He was trying to frighten me so that I stop it.
But, actions speak louder than words.
If I would have not seen him that day, it would be the last part of my smoking chapter, but, I continued to smoke and got many other health signals with a major one awaiting!
The Lessons
P.S. — This series is by no means intended to promote smoking or any tobacco product. Its sole purpose is to raise awareness among smokers to quit and prevent non-smokers from starting.