“Wednesdays with Manav” — The Smoking Chapter: Part 3 (Final)

Read part 2 here > Part 2

After that initial health issue, I didn’t stop smoking. I continued by increasing the number of cigarettes per day and switching to a lighter cigarette. [I mean, How dumb I was?]

To add to it, I joined the 9 to 5 grind, gaining more freedom to indulge in my smoking.

And the best [worst] thing was, my seat was just beside the office balcony’s door. Anyone going for a smoke would ask me to join or request a matchbox or lighter. I was bad at saying ‘No,’ which caused my daily cigarette count to soar to a whopping twenty.

The time I enjoyed my cigarette the most was while driving, and my office was an hour away. So, two hours of travel time meant four to five cigarettes.

This continued for a long time, with occasional beer parties and mandatory Friday gatherings. All was well until the novel COVID-19 lockdown in 2020.

Everything changed in 2020. The supply of cigarettes became scarce, and I got them at double the price. But, nothing changed my per day count; it only increased. I had full access to smoking at home.

I was mostly on my MacBook or on the balcony, smoking cigarettes. This continued for four months until something happened.

The Incident — Aug’2020

On 20th Aug’2020, at 11 pm, while trying to sleep, I panicked and started feeling very restless. It was tough for me to breathe.

I quickly checked my heart rate; it was staggering at 148 bpm. I panicked more, and my father and wife rushed me to the hospital.

While going in the car, I felt very weird health-wise. I remember vividly telling my wife a few of my important passwords for my banks and all.

I thought this is the end; it felt as if it was a heart attack.

I was rushed to the emergency ward. They checked my ECG, blood pressure.

Blood pressure was high, but ECG was clear. Nothing major seemed to be the issue.

While lying on the emergency bed with the doctor over my head, covered with PPE kits, I was thinking, did I smoke so much? I had no answer to myself.

The doctor in the emergency suggested me to visit a cardiologist.

The next day, we visited the cardiologist. I explained, and he suggested a couple of tests immediately. One was a simple scan of the heart called echocardiogram, commonly known as Echo, and the other was TMT (Tread Mill test).

After the TMT, it was hard to even breathe. They made me run for ten minutes. My heart rate rose to 188 bpm, and even after half an hour, it just went to 130bpm.

We went to the doctor’s cabin after all the test reports. He saw all the reports and asked details about my lifestyle, which were not great at that time! Something like:

1. Junk food habits
2. Drinking habit
3. No physical activity
4. Work from home
5. 12 plus hours of screen time
6. A lot of Smoking!

Listening to all this, he looked at me like I was his spoilt son.

He said two things to do immediately:

• Start some walk
• NO SMOKING

I was taken aback. Whenever I visit any doctor and anything happened, they all said to stop smoking. I saw his lips, which were grey. I could sense he is a smoker and must be in his 50s.

I wanted to ask him, “How are you managing smoking at this age also?”

While going back in the car, my father, for the first time, told me not to smoke and said to stop it. He said, “You have done enough and abused your body; now, leave it. There is no fun.”

But, I was thinking something else. I was questioning, “How can smoking be an issue at this age?” [I mean, was I waiting for some major issue? My mind was in an unrealistic state that I couldn’t think of anything above smoking.]

I stopped for a couple of days, but I said to myself that now I am feeling good — Let me check if still smoke will increase my heart rate.

This time I was smoking, hiding from my parents, but my wife knew it. I smoked, and my heart rate again increased abruptly. I smoked half a cigarette and threw it.

I felt very weird. I started thinking about “ME time” that I use to get while smoking. I started feeling a void, and I had no plans to cope up from that.

I started walking and increased my pace and noticed one thing that when I use to walk, that day I could smoke without increasing my heart rate. I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and visualised myself smoking again like before. [How could I think like that?]

I started running and slowly picked up again on smoking. The heart rate issue got solved slowly, and I started feeling back to normal. My parents gradually got to know, and like before, they didn’t say anything. But, this time I could see sadness in their eyes.

I couldn’t leave the cigarette and was addicted to a level that I started believing -

I DO EXERCISE, SO THAT I CAN ENJOY SMOKE!

I definitely tried to cut down on numbers, but it only increased.

In all this, I felt just one thing — Am I using the freedom given by my parents? I was in guilt every time I smoked.

My Guilt Glass

I call the era from 2021 to the day I quit the pre-quitting era.

I had a new year’s resolution of quitting smoking from 1st Jan’2021. I couldn’t; it was a failed attempt.

But my guilt glass (my way of seeing my guilt) started to fill. With every smoke, there was a drop added to my guilt glass.

Like a new year’s resolution, I had a plan to quit with some events.

My next big event was becoming a father. I delayed my quitting to that day.

That day arrived on 27th May’2022, and I remember how happy I was. It is the best day of my life.

I thought to quit, but I even smoked outside the hospital just after a few hours when he was born. But, now the guilt glass started filling at double the speed. Now with every smoke, there were two drops added.

Seeing him, I used to feel that if I continued like this, I could have health issues, and how will my son feel about me? I wanted to spend a healthy life with him.

I even saw my parents getting old, and I should stand as their pillar, but I always felt they are my pillar. All this tension and guilt feeling was due to my smoke. But, it didn’t stop!

I was always in such a mess, that with whosoever I smoked, I asked -

• Are you thinking to quit? Do you feel any side effect of smoke?
• How many smokes in a day?
• Since when are you smoking?

And then I calculated me vs. them lifetime count. After analysis, I used to tell myself, I am in a safe limit. Let’s continue smoking.

All this worked for the next one or two cigarettes, and then again the guilt glass started filling with more speed.

Guilt Glass Overflow — I Quit!

12th Jun’2023, was the day when I smoked my last cigarette, and I didn’t know that it is my last cigarette. I realized after two days that I can quit.

So, I always ordered three packs of cigarettes together. On 12th Jun’2023, my all packs got over, and I was to order, which I didn’t.

The next 48 hours, I didn’t order, and I had no craving for a cigarette. I got confident on 14th Jun’2023, that I am quitting. I announced to my family, and luckily it was my Mum’s birthday that day, and she got her best gift.

In those 48 hours, I felt so free that I don’t know if I had felt like that in the last few years. It was liberating!

My wife asked me if I had any craving or withdrawal symptoms, I had none.

I remember reading somewhere — Announce your date of quitting and tell people around you. But, in my case, it was the other way round.

I quit, then I got to know my quitting date, and then I told people around me.

I started feeling good health-wise. I had better mental health. I also had a better sense of smell. My acidity issue subsided, and I felt better in every sense.

I could feel an increase in my appetite, and food was digesting better. I actually felt — Why on earth I started this habit? But, immediately I had an answer, If I would have not done it, I would have always craved for what it’s like.

I escaped these seventeen years of imprisonment, but there was a catch!

The Side-Effects

The one positive side I told you, but it had a dark side, which was slowly growing on me.

In lieu of quitting smoking, I developed a habit of drinking a lot. I told myself, this is the reward for my quitting of smoking.

I started drinking like a fish. Nothing stopped me, and nothing was enough. I felt like being in alcohol hit always. I was drinking at least five times in a week, and that too at least four litres of beer in one sitting of six to seven hours.

I became an alcoholic, and my family hated me for that. I was always irritated, and all irritation came out after beer only. Although, they all never made me realize about my behavior, but it was the worst.

Every morning I had no memory after a certain time of the evening and questioned when I got in senses — “Had I done something wrong yesterday night?”

I was forever in guilt when I was not in alcohol influence and irritated when in influence. I was deteriorating with every passing day.

On 10th Aug’2023, I stopped drinking like a fish. Since then and till today (24th Jan’2024), I have just drunk four times, and that too not more than a litre in one sitting.

I am now in full control of myself. I won’t ever relapse as I have seen the other extreme side of it, and I hate myself for all of those things.

Conclusion and Learnings

• Smoking makes you feel COOL, but in reality, replace C from cool by F. You are a FOOL!
• I was lucky that my family didn’t disown me; you might not be that lucky!
• I was also lucky to have such a partner; she never left me; you might not be!
• Never compare the other fools with you; everyone has a different body and brain!
• Smoking does something to your brain; it kills your control over you. Try not to smoke, but if you do, quit as soon as you can!

P.S. — This series is by no means intended to promote smoking or any tobacco product. Its sole purpose is to raise awareness among smokers to quit and prevent non-smokers from starting.