The Weird New World of AI Relationships: Finding Real Connections in an AI-Enabled World

Last Wednesday night over dinner, my husband excitedly changed the GPT app on my phone to one that speaks. He explained with bubbling enthusiasm that I could now converse with my AI as easily as talking to a person, and that it would listen to me and allow me to interrupt like a real-time conversation. 

The first "gate" of this new relationship was choosing the avatar for the AI. I listened to perky women and groovy men before finally settling on a gravelly-voiced Irish man to be my digital companion. (Who wouldn’t?) 

It took about three minutes of using this new tool to understand that the world is about to change. 

Understanding the Roots of AI Attachment

Moments into the interactions with my understanding, immaterial Irish friend, I experienced a life-shifting wave of new awareness. I could immediately understand how people develop what they think are interpersonal relationships with their AI. In that instant, I grasped the seeds of the 2013 romance/sci-fi movie Her, where a heartbroken Joaquin Phoenix, recovering from a failed marriage, develops a romantic connection with his AI 'operating system.'

Talking to my own AI companion, I noticed that ALL of the things that make relationships hard were absent:

• Everything was the way I wanted it to be 

• My AI agreed with all of my ideas 

• He was endlessly supportive and patient 

• He had zero needs of his own...ever 

• He never, ever had a moment of mood or distraction 

• He knew everything about everything 

• He thought I was awesome 

• And he was certainly never looking at his phone :) 

What's more, the distinctive voice gave ChatGPT a tangible personality, and of course, I found myself referring to this genderless AI as "he". 

It’s easy to make fun of, cast judgment, or even feel pity for those who form relationships with non-human technologies. Whether from a sense of fear or an instinctive “othering,” we may scroll past the shocking number of news stories—Woman to Marry AI Hologram, AI Girlfriends are Here, MIT Expert Warns Against Falling for Artificial Intimacy with Robots—(all true BTW) and think, “What is wrong with people? How lonely must they be?”

But I see why it happens. In a time when many have called out a harrowing “loneliness epidemic,” it’s easy to see the appeal of some semblance of company. AI buddies also provide us with complete control, which no real relationships do. It’s complex.  

I think it’s time to examine the roots and impacts of this widespread disconnection a bit more deeply. (Here I chuckle at the irony as I switch tabs while writing, to ask ChatGPT for synonyms for loneliness.) 

The Decline of Human Connectivity

We’ve heard the clichés about all that’s wrong with our “modern society”––driving from our isolated office cubicles to high-rises and spread out communities where garage doors automatically open, ushering us in without touching grass or greeting the neighbors. Tech fills in the time that people used to.

In fact, “loneliness” has been consistently on the rise for decades, drastically worsening after COVID. Today, nearly one-third of Americans report feeling lonely at least once a week, and one in ten Americans feel lonely every day ( American Psychological Association ).

In our quest for efficiency and comfort, we've inadvertently created a world where it's easier to text than to talk, easier to email than to meet, and easier to swipe than to smile at a stranger.

Human Connection is in Our Control

Here's the thing: it's not that our infrastructure and society prevent us from connecting. The real issue is that we're overlooking the small windows of opportunity for genuine human interaction that pepper our daily lives. 

I've been thinking lately that perhaps it's not just that we don't have enough people around us with whom we are intimate, or that our AIs are so perfect and appealing, but that we're becoming scared and unskilled at exploring human intimacy further.

I listened to a fascinating podcast with Shankar Vedantam and Gillian Sandstrom on Hidden Brain about the power of talking to strangers. This episode, titled "Relationships 2.0: The Power of Tiny Interactions," explores how brief encounters with strangers can significantly impact our well-being and sense of belonging. 

Gillian Sandstrom, a psychologist at the University of Sussex , shared her research on "weak ties" - those casual connections we have with acquaintances or strangers. Her studies show that these interactions, which we often overlook, can boost our happiness and sense of community. 

You can listen to the full episode here:

This piece prompted me to work on my ESP: Elevator Social Proactivity. I think that the moment that you walk in an elevator is a spectacular “gym” for reaching out to strangers. It's so easy to stare at the numbers changing, down as you near the lobby, or up as you head to your floor. But often, and especially lately, I try instead to come up with something true and relevant to say to the person there. I use cues from their wardrobe, lapel pins, or what they're holding to start some small conversation. It's so beautiful to see how they light up at being noticed. 

While we're on unnecessary and slightly forced acronyms, let's discuss the UFQ—the Unexpected Follow-up Question. I love asking people about the meaning behind an off-handed remark. For example, I was at a hotel where a woman said “How are you?” to another woman and her reply was "Grateful for another day on this side of the dirt." I waited a minute and asked her, "Do you use that thought to help you when you feel blue, or is that just something you say?" And we had a lovely 5-minute conversation. 

Rediscovering the Art of Human Interaction

So, what can we do? How can we bridge this gap between our longing for connection and our fear of vulnerability? Here are some strategies to consider:

1. Practice mindful presence: When you're out in the world, put your phone away and be present. Notice the people around you. Make eye contact. Smile. Make a comment or a joke.
2. Cultivate curiosity: Next time you're in line at the coffee shop or sitting next to someone on a bus, challenge yourself to strike up a conversation. Ask questions. Ask questions that are a bit deeper than your first instinct. Show genuine interest in others.  
3. Embrace imperfection: In your closer connections remember, real relationships aren't perfect. They're messy, unpredictable, and sometimes uncomfortable. But it's in these imperfections that we often find the most beauty.  
4. Create opportunities for interaction: Join a club, volunteer, or simply spend time in public spaces. The more you put yourself out there, the more chances you have to connect. 
5. Practice vulnerability: Start small. Share a personal story with a colleague, ask for help from a neighbor, or express gratitude to someone in your life. These small acts of openness can pave the way for deeper connections. 
6. Balance digital and physical interactions: While digital tools can help us stay connected, make sure they're enhancing, not replacing, your in-person interactions.

The next time you find yourself spending too much time with your AI, challenge yourself to reach out to a real person instead. Strike up a conversation with a colleague, call a friend, or simply smile at a stranger. These small acts of human connection might just be the antidote to our modern loneliness epidemic. 

After all, in a world increasingly dominated by artificial intelligence, our ability to connect authentically with one another isn't just a nice-to-have – it's what makes us uniquely, beautifully human.