What is the difference between the person I feel I am and the person I want others to believe I am?

Sunday, March 10th, 2024

In the era of office debates, the notion of authenticity couldn't be more important. I've been in rooms with leaders publicly declaring "remote forever" to their teams, only to discover behind closed doors they're plotting to backtrack on promises and secretly monitor their team's work. Both actions undermine trust. However, we also understand that few things can be spoken about definitively. Words like "never," "always," and "forever" require caution. What might start as a harmless exploration, sowing only small seeds of distrust, could quickly spiral to a point where we don't trust the person looking back at us in the mirror.

The infamous notion that perception is reality isn't just a saying; it highlights the disconnect between our intentions and our actual impact. Understanding the contrast between who we are and who we want others to perceive us as is pivotal for our leadership. Reflecting on this difference helps us identify our true motivations, leading to authentic actions and communication. Authenticity becomes a key identifier, ensuring that we're not suppressing our true selves for external validation. Embracing both our real and projected selves fosters self-love and confidence.

Remember, authenticity is a journey, not a destination. We need to embrace imperfections and regularly check in with ourselves to ensure ongoing alignment with our true selves.

Below, I offer some recommended resources to assist us with the question of the week. I’ll post my reflection before the end of the week on YouTube.

Resources to Complement Our Reflection

[Internalize]: All forms of lying—including white lies meant to spare the feelings of others—are associated with poorer-quality relationships. Nearly all of us shade the truth just enough to make ourselves or others feel better. By how much do we lie? About 10 percent. Lying is not the result of a cost-benefit analysis. Instead it is a form of self-deception in which small lies allow us to dial up our self-image and still retain the perception of being an honest person. Big lies do not. People are more likely to lie when time is short, but when time is not a factor they lie only when they have justification to do so.

[Apply]: Practice a kind way to tell the truth in a situation where you would’ve told a white lie.

Read: What Science Tells Us about Why We Lie - 5 mins. - Scientific American, Michael Shermer

[Internalize]: Acting in a new role requires us to actively reflect on the questions of “who am I?” and “how am I actively being perceived by the world around me?” Personal branding is built out of four building blocks: 1) Behavior - how people see you acting (should be consistent and reliable) 2) Outside Image - how you dress yourself, the car you drive, the web images that people can find about you, but especially the team they build around themselves 3) Tone of Voice - How you speak, how you write your email, your phone etiquette (i.e. your voicemail message) 4) Key Messages - the ones you’re consistently putting out there, they should always fit with who you are. Your personal branding should start well before you become an executive and be in a place where you can be yourself. Sit in a culture where you can be yourself and explore who you are. 

[Apply]: Change the voicemail greeting on your phone to accurately reflect the tone you want to set when people call you. 

Listen: Being and doing without losing authenticity”, a conversation with Eelco van Eijck, Managing Partner Amsterdam - 29 mins. - The Leadership Sessions

[Internalize]: The way we think about authenticity poses a real danger to our capacity to grow and learn. What got you here…, …won’t get you there moments are moments where whatever made you successful in the past (i.e. what got you here), is not going to make you successful going forward (i.e. won’t get you there) and might get in the way. For example, you’re fantastic at delivering great results through your own efforts, but now you have to deliver results through other people; Or you’re a technical analyst and you get promoted and now your technical brilliance is getting in the way of your ability to communicate very simply with who don’t have the same technical training as you. The challenge isn’t learning the new skills, it’s that the old ones have become core to who we are, our identity. So not sticking with them feels inauthentic, and then we get stuck. Being true to yourself begs the question, which self? The old self (past)? Today’s self (present)? Tomorrow’s self (future)? The Authenticity Paradox is when you get to a moment where you feel like you have to choose between doing what it takes to be effective or being yourself. You define being yourself based on your most conservative version with the skills, values, and attributes you had instead of your aspirational self. 

[Apply]: Next time you’re in the what got you here, won’t get you there moment, drop the desire to savor the historical self and choose to act your way into being your aspirational self. Reflect on how that felt. 

Watch: The Authenticity Paradox - 17 mins. - TEDx Talks

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The Learning Loop is a free weekly newsletter designed to help subscribers learn on purpose. Each week subscribers receive one thoughtfully curated, timely question with a brief explanation behind why it's important and a couple of relevant resources to help subscribers with their learning journey.

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