What to do when you’re divorcing an alcoholic
Emma Heptonstall
Divorce Coach | High conflict divorce expert | Helping women get divorce-ready | | Accredited family mediator | Ex-lawyer
In my decade of supporting women through divorce, I’ve heard all the different reasons for why a marriage is over. And one that crops up time and time again is addiction issues in their spouse, particularly with alcohol. So in this blog I’m going to walk you through the issues to consider and steps to take when you’re divorcing an alcoholic.
I am a qualified, highly experienced divorce coach, mediator and former lawyer, but it’s important for my integrity to be clear that I am not an expert in substance abuse. I recommend anyone who is affected by someone else’s drinking also seeks support from Al Anon, and a therapist if needed.
How is your spouse’s alcoholism affecting your marriage?
For my clients who’ve lived with an alcoholic spouse, there has always been a point when they could no longer ignore the truth. Alcohol dependency shows up in different ways, which we’ll look at in a moment, but one cross-cutting effect is that the alcoholic can’t manage life reliably. Not in the long term. Which means their nearest and dearest have to try to cover for them and fill the gaps. This will have an impact on your:
There’s only so long you can continue to live like this before something has to give. And for my clients, it’s when they make the difficult decision to divorce.
Making the decision to divorce
Whether or not to leave a spouse with addiction issues is one of the main reasons new clients book a call with me. It’s probably the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make. And, as with all aspects of my work as a divorce coach, the decision is entirely yours. I’m not going to tell you to leave, or stay.
Every situation is different, but women who are weighing up their options are often caught between two positions. On the one hand, they love the person they married. But that is no longer the person they are living with. Alcoholism has had such an impact that their relationship is now completely different, with them more like a carer than a partner. They wish they could support their spouse to get better, and to get back to where they once were.
On the other hand, they recognise that things can’t go on as they are. They are tired of carrying the burden of addiction. And they are starting to recognise that things won’t change, as they are enabling their spouse’s addiction.
What does enabling mean? Quite simply, enabling a drinking problem is doing anything that continues to let the addicted person drink alcohol without consequences. Actions you might have taken in the past, such as calling in sick for them, bringing more income in yourself while they are unable to work due to their addiction or excusing them from family meet-ups because their behaviour is too problematic all fall into the category of enabling.
Enabling can look like love. It can seem as though you are simply meeting their basic needs, as you would for any loved one in difficulty. But, in reality, these behaviours are keeping you both stuck. I highly recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood to help you identify harmful patterns of behaviour.
Maintaining boundaries through the divorce process
If you have made the decision to divorce, you need to establish some distance - emotional and physical - between you and your spouse. For many of the women I’ve worked with, their alcoholic spouse hasn’t accepted the decision, and has refused to co-operate. For others, the spouse has reluctantly understood the decision, but due to the chaos brought about by their alcoholism, they’ve been unable to manage their side of the divorce process.
So how do you keep your divorce moving when your spouse can’t or won’t play their part? A recent client, Melissa, found herself in this situation. Her husband wasn’t happy about her decision to leave, but wasn’t maliciously opposing her. He was, however, doing nothing because his alcoholism meant he wasn’t able to follow through on anything. He wasn’t engaging with the legal process or decision-making with regard to children or money at all. Melissa was at her wits’ end, and feeling guilt that she was ‘leaving him behind with his alcoholism’ while she was striving to move forward with her life.
When I worked with Melissa I reminded her that it’s absolutely valid to want more for herself and her children than she’d been able to achieve while supporting her alcoholic husband. She had given him several years of her life. I reassured her that she wasn’t a bad person for deciding to focus on her own needs, and her children’s needs now.
We worked together to put together a financial plan she was happy with, that she could present to her husband. We also looked at child arrangements, and came up with a solution that meant the children had a home and stability with their mum, but were able to see their dad when he was in a position to do so. In Melissa’s case, she was able to ask his family to support him closely with the divorce so she could maintain necessary distance rather than hand-holding him through the process herself.
Every situation will be different, and you’ll need to find a solution that’s workable for you. I’m available to help you talk through the details of your circumstances and make a plan that suits you, if you’d like support.
Looking after yourself
When you’ve been married to an alcoholic, you’re forced to forget your own needs. Emotionally, you are worried about them, and spend your energy supporting them. You might be trying to do financial gymnastics to stay afloat. You certainly don’t have time or the bandwidth to consider how you’re feeling.
Making the decision to divorce and following through on it (or deciding to stay but stop enabling) doesn’t mean things magically get easier. It’s a hard slog going through the process and finding a way to ensure your spouse does what they need to do as well. But the very fact you’ve made the decision opens up space for you in your own life again. Even if it’s a tiny chink of light. Even if it’s considering what you might want to do in the future, rather than having to be absorbed 24/7 in keeping the show on the road for your spouse.
Next time on the blog I’ll go into more specifics about how to look after yourself when divorcing an alcoholic spouse, but for now I’ll leave you with one message: you have given yourself the gift of your life back. And that is a brave and noble step.
If you’d like help to navigate the emotional confusion and practical chaos when divorcing an alcoholic, I’m here to support you. Whether it’s a day together spent coming up with your own personal plan, weekly calls to ride the waves as they come or a one off trouble-shooting session, I’m here.
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com