What a Guru must know to be a Good Guru; do your own healing first

It has come to my attention, scattered as it is, that many people calling themselves "healers" or "spiritual leaders" have no inclination to actually heal or lead. Many are self absorbed. Self conscious and insecure. Even self-obsessed. Many are not operating in "higher states of conscious" yet acting like the fact they hold "boundaries" makes them better than everyone. I see that they often are operating in the highest states of self-absorption. They tranlated their gurus words a little wee bit too serious. Self-loving behaviors requires you to treat others well too. Not the #mefirst movement here. It's #wefirst because people and relationships are mirrors. Ok, so let's pose this question: is this a good thing or not? Are we here to live ONLY exclusively for ourselves and our own experiences?

Upon traveling to India, Guatemala, Mexico, Dominican Republic, Greece, London, and recently Peru I discovered that some of the people with the least amount of titles, have the greatest amount of healing abilities and heart! I discovered that Americans have a problem trusting and sharing. Contrast is King and Queen. Some people with very little material wealth have a HUGE heap of spiritual health. We need more of them in the world.

Americans have a generalized consistent anxiety disorder. That's my diagnosis. We might feel this way because WE are not trustworthy, nor truly generous,... unless it benefits us. Arguably the most greedy people on earth are rich. Observe the charitable organizations in the US. Research them deeply. So much Truth about their "why" is hidden from our eyes. We are not going to know who actually controls all the money and assets of this country. Each non-profit owned by millionaires and billionaires offers a loophole to skip out on taxes. There are always agendas attached to most of the giving, generally speaking.

Our culture is set up this way. Those who are successful had to be self absorbed. It isn't their fault. In order to achieve their financial goals they had to play the game. They are victims of the system too. Their questions had to start with "will this benefit me", no matter that they could have chosen to be a beneficial presence on the planet. Because basic math states that they were not personally benefited from helping others. The system is rigged.

I arrived back to the Northern American continent November 2019 to visit my family in Nor Cal at our annual Thanksgiving gathering. We had plans to gather at my mother's cabin in Chester near a lake. Most of my family studied psychology, sat in ceremony with native american elders, traveled the world, worked with the indigenous, raised families, and completed a great deal of education. The Quakers helped the freed slaves back in the early days of America. My ancestors were Quakers ... and mobs bosses on dad's side. Good business skills and socialists. You cannot imagine what that mixed DNA does to a girl! My family have earned degrees as advanced as a PhD.

And yet, most of them hold the emotional intelligence of a baboon. They can't see beyond their own opinions or perceived "needs".

When it comes to putting things into practice, I've seen my family fail miserably. Typical American story. Immigrants. Built their wealth from hard work. Got an education. I would argue that the human family, and mine, are learning how to put into practice the principles that puritanical ways taught us. We have lost our way to putting theory into action. Spiritual ideology must be practiced not simply preached. What happened to taking from christian values and ideology and building community around that? It is dying with the horse and buggy.

Community consciousness is the key to awakening. Ask the Latter Day Saints in Utah. Strong families, strong economy, strong faith in God. For example, if you are a therapist then you should apply what you have learned in school, for the client and for your own life. You should stop seeing clients in a private practice and telling them how to save a marriage if you cannot keep a healthy marriage yourself. My uncle with the PhD (in marriage and family therapy) had four marriages. And he is going on a fifth soon. My mother four marriages. My grandmother four. It's a trend in my family. The last wife of my uncle, my mom's ex-bestfriend, cleaned him out of half a million dollars just to let him know how much she hated him. She had a perfectly good Master's degree to continue on making her own money, but in spite, she financially drained him while dragging him and his reputation through the dirt. No, the mud. No, the cow dung. Now he is drinking more than ever and escaping into his shadow self. The needy, sex-crazed, narcissist.

My observations began to move to my own peer group: healers and yoga teachers.

Oh, now here we have quite the circus show. Recently, I transitioned to California after an intuitive move from Utah to Peru for 3 months. You could call it courageous or fool hardy. It's a matter of perspective. After remaining in Peru 3 months, I lost my remote job position and income. I was forced to return back to the states. I chose to enter through San Francisco airport and give-it-a-go to look for housing and work.

When I arrived, I found that all the friends who introduced me to their families for housing solutions were dead wrong about their families. These were not kind, inspiring, generous or helpful people. These were not blessed people who wanted to bless others since they had become wealthy or owned property here in the SF. These were self absorbed, dysfunctional and mentally unstable individuals. And that is not an exaggeration. One of them shamed me for being a traveling nomad (because that was so irresponsible of me) and kicked me out of her huge condo, after 3 days, just for being ME. She then proceeded to invite my 66 year old african american friend, who was homeless, to stay as long as he wished. WTFudge?

The other man had a fight with a girlfriend, she kicked him out, and he wanted me to accommodate his emotional (and probably physical) needs (after he agreed to help me) by sharing his one bedroom apartment with him. Even asked me to sleep in the same bed. An older man should allow the woman to sleep on the bed and GO GET A ROOM. His lack of integrity and generosity was clear. He has ulterior motives, clearly. This was someone who had no problem getting a hotel for himself since he had inheritance money, but did not want to use it to stand in integrity. I think the core issue causing all the problems we face in America is a LACK OF INTEGRITY. We want to be kind but do not know how.

Until some disaster kicks in and then we finally act.

If you are willing to lend a helping hand but you have the EGO in the way, the EGO always edges GOD out. Let me elaborate. When you are doing a kind service to help someone get on the their feet, the end result is that person is better off for meeting you. The end result is that they (the disadvantaged soul) move on to establish healthy, stable life circumstances. Your engagement with them should not leave them more traumatized than you found them. But Americans can just use "not in my backyard" and call it "boundaries".

My experiment with giving people an opportunity to serve others from a heart of compassion has had mixed results. The way I see it, Americas often do not know how to be interdependent. We are judgement machines. But we are blind to truth often when we hit a resistance edge. We have had INDEPENDENCE shoved down our throats for the last 200 years and cannot get our heads out of our... spiritual ego. We are not wrong for needing others. We are not lazy for taking a break from "driving" ourselves like machines.

Let's go there for a minute. Let me give an example.

I met a woman on a "conscious housing" Facebook group. She was offering to sublease her apartment in Oakland. Her intention was to serve herself (she needed the money) and to earn a quick easy buck. My intention was to find shelter. I seemed like a safe bet to her and she seemed safe to me, based on her Facebook Profile. Bad way to judge someone's true character, I know. We both thought we had a good match! A fair trade.

I paid for 10 days in her home. In that timeframe she recommended that I go meet her indigenous "brother" who practices a "limpia" healing ceremony from Oaxaca, Mexico. He was what we call an "elder". And he was also a sexual predator with a dark past. He was victimized as a child and was currently victimizing wounded women. He invited me to do a session wherein he proceeded to violate me. Yes, violate, by asking me to wear a dress and no underwear, stating that this would help the earth energies to enter my body, according to tradition. He did not mention that a camera would be placed under my dress for his pleasure, shooting photos under my dress, without my permission, he would keep those photos. When I caught him and saw the camera I informed the woman who recommended him that she had a pervert as a friend, the shit hit the fan! She proceeded to force ME to hold space for her healing around it and begrudgingly assisted me with a place to stay.

This woman had many titles. Board of Director of a movement in Oakland to legalize medicinal plants. VP of a digital health company. Registered dietitian. Single mother. Medicine woman, yoga teacher, sound healer. Look, all I am saying is that these titles and responsibilities did not help her become a discerning, kind or generous person. They had the opposite effect. They made her delude herself. Appearing spiritual, she was able to hide her awareness of self deception. And of course she could wear the masks and hold the image of spiritual leader, even make money from it, ... while living in a bubble of control, isolation and self obsession.

This story ends with me remaining in her home for a month. I held space for her meltdowns, waiting for her and the curandero healer to "do the right thing". They didn't. I patiently and compassionately held space for them both. But people often don't "do the right thing" or live in integrity. I can be angry and resentful or I can move on. I chose to move on.

At this stage in my spiritual development I hope for the opportunity to meet an American who lives in integrity. I hold on to my faith and believe that I will soon unite with individuals of high net worth, who also stand upon high moral ground. In some ways I have already realized that goal! The shadows are running from me. Anyone with unconscious behaviors that come up in relating to me is EJECTED from my life. Or they self-eject.

I was traveling with an ambassador to the Sikh religion. He thought he was living his beliefs. He is earning large sums of money (millions) and using it to spread Sikh religion; as well as the principles of peace, prosperity, and kindness. But his true heart is strategy for personal gain. Hold on to the image. I learned alot from him. Learn from Kings, Play with Princes. Belong to a Knight. This is my mission now.

I trust that as I continue to search for belongingness and heal myself from American programming, I will realize true peace. Joy. Prosperity. And follow the guru within me, so that I never rely on the wrong people to support me. Surrounding myself with spiritual people who look the part, has not brought me to a place of inner peace. On the contrary, those who say they are here to heal others are often the ones needing the most healing themselves. What has brought me the most peace, is surrender and flow. The very thing that makes a genius a crazy person, chaos. I found my peace in the midst of years of chaos. You can too. Find the Guru within you. It's not outside of you.

"You will always find the answer in your heart, where it has been waiting since long before the question. -Atticus"