What We Get Dangerously Wrong About Feedback…and How to Fix It

What We Get Dangerously Wrong About Feedback…and How to Fix It

Feedback, a word that strikes fear in the hearts of millions.

For some, it’s giving it that makes them want to walk in the other direction when they see the person coming.

For others, it’s receiving it that makes them regress back to a particularly bad 8th-grade parent-teacher meeting (is it my fault that he was wrong …:).

Whatever the circumstances, in my years of coaching the reaction is pretty universal on one or both sides of the equation. We try to avoid it, much to the detriment of everyone involved.

Like most things we put off, the anxiety surrounding the event usually outweighs the experience itself.

Recently I was working with one of my many brilliant clients, who’d recently been promoted to a higher leadership role.

And though she’d previously managed teams, in her new role she had an employee who was extremely resistant to feedback.

He was on the team before she arrived and had previously done things differently.

While extremely competent in some areas, he preferred doing certain tasks …however, they were no longer part of the mandate of that particular division.

It seemed clear that if he remained resistant the team wouldn’t meet their results, which while his responsibility would ultimately be her fault.

What they were both getting wrong about feedback is that they were taking a very narrow view of it. It’s far bigger than just telling someone whether they’re doing something right or wrong.

It’s also an opportunity to grow, develop, and reflect.

If someone is resistant to change, it may just be they’re uncomfortable or nervous about trying something new, or maybe the role really isn’t the right one, or both.

The reality is, in this fast-paced world, we don’t do ourselves or others a favor by withholding or avoiding discussing ways to improve

Making Feedback Not Suck

After doing several dozen 360 debriefs in the past few months and I saw just how uncomfortable people were about our session (I promise, I’m really not that scary :), it was clear that the problem wasn’t in the feedback itself but the perception of what it would be like and, what they were making it mean about themselves.

In the groups I worked with most were as eager to get actionable insights, as they were to avoid having similar conversations with their colleagues.

It makes sense, it’s uncomfortable.

We want to be liked.

We don’t know how they’ll react.

So many unknowns.

This is why experts suggest making it less of a “thing” and more a part of the general workflow that helps people be better at their work and provides them with greater opportunity to improve their skills, giving them more flexibility in their careers and lives.

When done well (or well enough) feedback is a positive thing.

But far too many of us have been scarred by bad bosses, people who do it poorly or not at all, and, not to be forgotten, that dreaded parent-teacher conference :).

Some Basics of Good Feedback:

To give good feedback, follow these steps:

1.        Create a Culture of Good Feedback. Make it a norm to share constructive feedback.

2.        Make it a two-way conversation, listen to their perspective. And be open to receiving their response in return.

3.        Timing is important, give your feedback in a timely manner, as close to the event/desired behavior to be changed as soon as possible.

4.        Relatedly, be as specific and descriptive as possible, avoid general comments; and balance things to work on with praise and recognition.

5.      Finally, most of all, focus on the behavior or task, not the person.

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