Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?

Someone recently asked this question on social media, and it inspired me to share my thoughts. Abusive relationships, particularly those involving emotional or psychological harm, can be incredibly difficult to leave. Drawing from what I observe in my practice, some key reasons why people stay in such relationships:

Emotional trauma from past experiences often traps individuals in abusive relationships. People who have suffered neglect, abuse, or betrayal in the past may unconsciously seek relationships that mirror those patterns. They are drawn to the familiar, even if it causes pain, because they are trying to heal old wounds. For example, some partners may cause harm and then later apologize, show affection, or ask for forgiveness. This cycle of harm and reconciliation creates confusion and dependency. A client once shared that her partner’s gifts and loving gestures after arguments made her believe things could get better, even though the cycle kept repeating.

Low self-esteem plays a significant role. Many people feel unworthy of better treatment and believe the flawed love they receive is the best they can get. This belief leads to accepting harmful behaviors. I recall one person whose partner was constantly abusive, frequently comparing them to others and telling them how worthless they were. Over time, they began to internalize these words, believing they didn’t deserve better. This deep sense of unworthiness made them stay in the relationship, unable to imagine a life where they could be treated with respect and kindness.

Fear of rejection and loneliness often keep people in abusive relationships. The idea of starting over can be terrifying, especially when societal or cultural expectations pressure individuals to stay. One client told me he stayed in a neglectful marriage because he feared being judged by his family and didn’t want to be seen as a failure. The fear of facing life alone kept him stuck in a relationship that no longer served him.

Abusive environments create a toxic dynamic known as trauma bonding. In these situations, the abuser alternates between cruelty and affection, leaving the victim emotionally dependent and confused. One client described her partner as “like two different people.” He would humiliate her in private but later apologize, ask for forgiveness, and show love. She clung to these moments of kindness, hoping they would outweigh the pain. This back-and-forth made her believe the relationship might improve, keeping her from leaving.

Understanding why people stay is the first step toward breaking free. Abusive relationships often involve cycles of harm and reconciliation that make it hard to see the way out. Each small step toward self-awareness, self-love, and setting boundaries can pave the way for healing. If you or someone you know is in such a situation, remember that help is available. With the right support, a healthier, happier life is possible.