Why Do You Keep Breaking Sobriety Promises To Yourself?

You're at work and your boss calls you in to a closed-door meeting.

You sit down.

Your boss doesn't yell, but is stern.

"I need to speak with you about the project you've been working on," your boss says. "There are major mistakes in your reports. It's lucky we reviewed them before submitting them to the client or our entire firm would have been embarrassed.

"These careless mistakes can't keep happening."

You feel heat rising to your face.

I embarrassed the entire firm. I'm a failure. I'm worthless. I'm so stupid. So stupid. So stupid. So stupid.

"Suzy gave me the data," you find yourself saying out loud. "I took the data she gave me to create the report."

Your boss looks at you. Doesn't say anything.

"Okay, thank you for letting me know," your boss replies. "Please provide me with a corrected report by the end of the day."

"Okay," you say. You leave the office.

The next thing you know, you're walking to your colleague's desk.

"You'll never believe what happened," you whisper, "Suzy gave me data to put into this report and it was wrong. I submitted it and I got yelled at. Can you believe it?"

"That's ridiculous," your colleague says.

On your car ride home, your heart is still racing.

You're furious with Suzy, who made you look terrible.

You're embarrassed because you were the one called out for her errors.

Before you get home, you stop at the liquor store to grab a bottle of wine, even though you've promised yourself you're only going to drink on the weekends.

You walk into the house and your partner is there. You open the bottle and explain the situation.

"I better not be fired because of her error," you rant.

The first glass is gone within 10 minutes.

By 8pm, you've finished the entire bottle. Your anger has subsided, but you're still irritated. You've asked your partner repeatedly whether they think you'll be fired. By the seventh time, your partner snaps back at you.

"I've told you that it's fine! Will you just let it go?"

By 9pm, you aren't speaking with each other.

You storm out of the room, take a shower, and go to bed.

When your alarm goes off in the morning, you can feel the headache before you open your eyes. The wine from last night.

I did it again, you think. I told myself I wouldn't drink anymore, but I did it again.

Let's unpack this mock scenario.

What happened when you were confronted by your boss?

You immediately began negative self-talk at the subconscious level. It's something you've done since you were in elementary school when your parents were insistent that you get perfect grades. When you brought home any assignment short of an A, they would take away your TV privileges and you had to correct all errors. You'd sit at the dining room table thinking to yourself, "I'm a failure. I'm worthless. I'm so stupid."

Why did you blame Suzy?

The confrontation was a trigger for you, meaning it took you back to when you were a child being confronted by your parents, but this is all at the subconscious level. So your adult self's solution to avoiding the pain of those awful feelings was to deflect the blame to someone else. Then, in order to convince yourself that you weren't throwing a team member under the bus, you proceeded to "pitch your story" to your colleague and your partner.

Why did you drink?

With all of these painful emotions and self betrayals happening in your body, you opt for a bottle of wine because it will numb and distance you from your feelings.

Why did you end up in a fight with your partner?

You tell your partner what happened, but -- deep down -- you know you should be holding yourself accountable for the mistake. But the overwhelming grief and self-loathing that comes with making a mistake due to what you experienced as a child is too much for you to face. So, in addition to telling your partner the story, you start to beg for reassurance that you're not a bad person. Those reassurances provide fleeting comfort.

You begin the cycle all over again.

Waking up the next morning, you're faced with breaking your own promise not to drink, the proof in the hangover, and the remaining feelings from the day before.

Rinse and repeat.

You have to heal the inner child.

You immediately began negative self-talk at the subconscious level. It's something you've done since you were in elementary school when your parents were insistent that you get perfect grades. When you brought home any assignment short of an A, they would take away your TV privileges and you had to correct all errors. You'd sit at the dining room table thinking to yourself, "I'm a failure. I'm worthless. I'm so stupid."

This is a lot of pressure for a school-aged child, who would likely feel overwhelming stress around grades and failure. This child would likely tie winning and achievement with self worth and receiving love.

Simply "getting older" won't heal this.

If this started at age 9, it's would continue into age 10. Then 11. Then 12.

The child -- physically and emotionally reliant on the parents -- would have to develop a coping mechanism to bury the shame, anger, and guilt of not being enough.

If the child complies with the parents, he or she could become valedictorian.

If the child rebels against the parents, he or she could become a school drop-out.

As an adult, the former child may say, "I had a great childhood. My parents worked very hard for me and my siblings, always pushing us to be the best. I'm incredibly thankful for them."

That same adult would then be triggered by anyone even hinting that they didn't do something perfectly.

To cope with that shame, anger, and guilt, this adult may drink.

Healing (or "reparenting") the inner child would be this adult finding a way to connect with the child that had so much pressure on him or her to achieve.

If you have a difficult time with this concept, I urge you to spend time with a child. Experience life through their eyes. Recognize their innocence. Imagine them going through the same things you went through.

Then try to give yourself grace.

About First and Sober

First and Sober is about living life with presence. For some, that means first getting free from the hold alcohol has on their lives. For all, it means getting real about living each day wide awake and on purpose. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol you can't overcome on your own, please reach out for help.