Why I Share About Sobriety and Trauma Recovery on LinkedIn

I started First and Sober on a professional networking platform.

Why?

Yes, I had an established audience here, but I saw the relevance beyond that.

I have struggled in every professional team environment I've been in because of my past trauma, which included recurring incidents of isolation in a mob mentality. From a young age, others would gossip and tell stories about me behind my back, molding my reputation, and I never knew who I could trust. I became hypervigilant to every facial expression, body movement, and tone of voice, always ready to attack if I felt attacked. This resulted in being defensive in team environments to the point of being overtly disrespectful to others in front of others.

I believed everyone was against me and I fought for control at every turn.

In my 20s and early 30s, this meant I went home and drank. I had so much shame I didn't want to face and being alone was unbearable due to my inner dialogue that had been programmed over decades.

"You are so stupid, Chrissie."

"You know that no one respects you, right?"

"No one cares about you."

I had developed core beliefs that ran through my mind on a loop, shaping my perception of the outer world.

"I am unsafe."

"I am misunderstood."

"I am disrespected."

"I am weak."

"I am powerless."

"I am bad."

For 20 years, I drank.

In the early days, I would binge drink and get angry or cry and beg others for love.

It was humiliating.

I would wake up the next morning ashamed and feeling like a profound failure.

In the later years, I was a more "stable" drinker. It turned into a glass (or two or three) of wine at the end of the night to "take the edge off." I would rarely get drunk and I developed a certain control over my intoxicated self. Instead of acting a fool, I simply lost judgement. Things I wouldn't have said sober I revealed while under the influence of alcohol. I was in an anxiety and shame spiral. My productivity suffered and I knew I would never reach my full potential if I continued drinking.

Sobriety made certain things immediately easier and other things progressively more difficult.

I no longer had to worry about what I said and did while under the influence of alcohol and, once I got through the initial withdrawal, I slept better, had less anxiety, and my body felt better.

But, without the distraction of alcohol, my inner dialogue became louder and clearer. I had been in a loop of drinking, waking up ashamed, swearing off drinking, obsessing over whether I would drink again, getting over my desire to never drink again, and then giving in. Over and over. Rinse and repeat. Without that obsession, my mind came into focus and I heard all of my fears and insecurities. I felt the pain I had been distracting myself from feeling.

Things got really hard.

Back in a team environment professionally, that crystal clear inner dialogue made things very, very difficult.

I became paranoid that everyone was out to get me. I felt blatant disrespect at every turn. I was triggered all the time. I felt like a helpless infant on the streets of New York.

Please know that my perception was not reality - it was how I saw my world because of the things I had experienced early in life and never resolved within myself.

It has taken years (years) of somatic therapy, parts work, and kindness and understanding from my colleagues and business partners to get to a place of accountability for my own behavior (and I'm sure I will always be working on that) while recognizing that I am no longer trapped as I once was.

It has been critical for me to have a safe space as well as forgiveness and compassion from others in order to heal.

If you find people who are willing to work with you, do not let them go.

If you find people who allow you to be imperfect, do not let them go.

If you find people who see your heart and forgive, do not let them go.

This will be work for them, too, because we will perceive things that aren't reality and we will fight when no one is attacking.

When we are triggered, we are taken back to the original time and place of the trauma. If we were helpless and could not escape, we will revert to feeling helpless and trapped in the present moment. We will fight and claw whoever is in front of us as though they are the original perpetrator. If we were 13 at that time, we will act 13. If we were 17, we will act 17.

It's as though that version of you "takes the microphone" because he or she doesn't trust your adult self to protect them. "The work" is to give that version of yourself what they need so they don't feel the need to fight. "The work" is to grieve what you need to grieve, feel what you need to feel, and to become your own protector. "The work" will eventually change your inner dialogue and your core beliefs.

What I work like hell to tell myself now:

"You are safe, Chrissie."

"You deserve respect."

"It may not be about you."

"I've got you."

I recognize that my reality may not be the reality and I am on a constant quest to hold myself accountable for what I need to be accountable for while letting go of what isn't about me.

And this is why I share this work on a professional networking platform.

So many of us are re-traumatized in our work environments and we don't just experience our own triggers, we trigger the people we are with. We may find ourselves in a heightened state of protection mode, wanting to "take the edge off" at the end of the day with alcohol, drugs, food, insert-addiction-here.

Removing that addiction is to make some things immediately easier and other things progressively more difficult.

But if we "do the work," we can find ourselves more secure and more confident than we ever could have imagined.

About First and Sober

First and Sober is about living life with presence. For some, that means first getting free from the hold alcohol has on their lives. For all, it means getting real about living each day wide awake and on purpose. If you believe you have a problem with alcohol you can't overcome on your own, please reach out for help.