Why Perfectionism is So Damaging and What to do About It

Our society rewards and idolizes perfectionists for their insistence on high standards and their drive to be “the best.” Frequently, perfectionists are high achievers, but the price they pay sometimes is unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Many claim their performance is never good enough.

“Reaching for the stars, perfectionists may end up clutching at air,” psychologist David Burns warned in a Psychology Today essay. “[Perfectionists] are especially given to troubled relationships and mood disorders.”

Definitions

Perfectionism is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for a flawless performance and holding for themselves incredibly high standards. This is often accompanied by self-criticism and constant comparison with others.

Psychologists agree that there are many positive and negative aspects to perfectionism. From a positive perspective, it drives people to exceptional performance, but in its maladaptive form perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve unattainable or unrealistic goals. This in turn can often lead to depression and low self-esteem.

Research

Perfectionists often are compulsively always straining to achieve, and they measure their self-worth by achievement and productivity. Disappointment frequently results. Perfectionists tend to be harsh critics of themselves when they fail to meet their standards.

Researchers such as T. S. Greenspon argues that perfectionists fear imperfection and feel that other people will like them only if they are perfect. For Greenspon, perfectionism itself is thus never seen as healthy since absolute perfection is impossible. He argues that perfectionism should be distinguished from “striving for excellence.” The difference is in the attitude toward mistakes.

Those who strive for excellence can take mistakes (imperfections) as an incentive to work harder. Unhealthy perfectionists consider their mistakes a sign of unworthiness.

The book Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control by Jeanette Dewyze and Allan Mallinger contends that perfectionists have obsessive personality types. Obsessive personality type is different from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in that OCD is a clinical disorder that may be associated with specific ritualized behavior or thoughts.

According to Mallinger and DeWyze, perfectionists are obsessive in that they need to feel in control at all times, and are constantly vigilant about forces that may affect their performance.

“There’s a difference between excellence and perfection,” explains Miriam Adderholdt, a psychology instructor at Davidson Community College in Lexington, North Carolina, and author of Perfectionism: What’s Bad About Being Too Good? Adderholdt says: “Excellence involves enjoying what you’re doing, feeling good about what you’ve learned, and developing confidence. Perfection involves feeling bad about 98% and always finding mistakes no matter how well you’re doing. A child makes all As and one B. All it takes is a parent raising an eyebrow for the child to get the message.”

One of the damaging aspects of perfectionism is that perfectionist can conceal their mistakes. This complicates matters as the perfectionist doesn’t get important feedback. The desire to conceal mistakes can mean perfectionists can avoid situations in which they may be mistake-prone, even abandoning the activity altogether.

Perfectionism is self-defeating. Perfectionists can constantly have anxiety about their performance. This ends up as a paradox. Their worry about their performance ends us undermining their performance.

Signs You May Be a Perfectionist

1.    You believe “I must be perfect or people won’t like me or approve of me.”You connect everything you do to how others will see you.

2.   If you make a mistake, it’s the end of the world. You exaggerate the importance and impact of the mistakes you might make and catastrophize the results. “The sky is falling!”

3.   You procrastinate frequently. Perfectionism is often linked to procrastination. You need to “get all your ducks in a row” or have ideal conditions or you’ll hesitate to act or put it off. And you think your mistakes will be the end of the world for you. But of course, conditions can never be ideal or perfect.

4.   There is only one perfect way of doing anything, and every other way is wrong or a failure. You are not open to considering alternative ways of doing things.

5.    You believe there is only one measure of success — 100%. Anything less than 100% is a failure, even 99.99%.

6.   You want to please others. Perfectionism often starts in childhood. Then, we get the message to aim to be the best, accompanied by rewards and gold stars and getting criticism or even punishment for failing to achieve. So perfectionists begin to define themselves by their achievements.

7.    You believe the pain, self-doubt and self-criticism you receive are worth the price for success. You subscribe to the myth of the “no pain, no gain” mentality. Perfectionism is often tied also to workaholism. The prototypical perfectionist is someone who will go to great (and often unhealthy) lengths to avoid being average or mediocre, and who takes on a “no pain, no gain” mentality in their pursuit of greatness. “[The perfectionist] acknowledges that his relentless standards are stressful and somewhat unreasonable, but he believes they drive him to levels of excellence and productivity he could never attain otherwise,” famed psychologist David Burns writes

8.   You are judgmental and critical of other people. This is a psychological defence mechanism, in that we reject in others what you can’t face or accept in ourselves.

9.   Your goals must be audacious and big but you avoid committing to them if you think there’s a likelihood of failure. Perfectionists are risk-aversive, and everything in life is an “all or nothing” proposition.

10.      You find it difficult to develop intimate relationships. Author and researcher Brene Brown have called perfectionism a “20-ton shield” that you carry around to protect yourself from getting hurt.

11. You get defensive when you are criticized. Perfectionists react quickly to defend themselves when criticized. The reaction frequently takes the form of trying to control the situation or others.

12.       You never quite reach perfection. As perfection is not possible, perfectionists are obsessed with not reaching it. Self-described perfectionist Christina Aguilera told InStyle magazine that she focuses on all the things she hasn’t yet accomplished, which gives her a drive to constantly outdo herself.

How Perfectionism Damages Work Performance and Creates Mental Health Problems

Researchers have examined four decades of study on perfectionism to answer a more basic question: Are perfectionists better performers at work? They conducted a meta-analysis of 95 studies with 25,000 employees that examined the relationship between perfectionism and worker performance. The research results showed that perfectionism is counterproductive at work. likely not constructive at work. The researchers found no connection between perfectionism and superior performance.

The researchers concluded that any improvement in performance by perfectionists was offset by the impact on them in terms of mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and overwhelm.

One study of nearly 42,000 young people globally has found that perfectionism has risen over the last 27 years.

University of Kent found that perfectionism was linked to workaholism. “Our findings also suggest that workaholism in self-oriented perfectionists is driven by those types of motivation characterized by personal importance and ego involvement as well as being motivated by internal rewards and punishment,” study researcher Dr. Joachim Stoeber, who is the head of the School of Psychology at the university, said in a statement.

The study was published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences. All the study participants took tests gauging their perfectionism and work motivation, as well as their workaholism (work addiction).

The perfectionist child

Perfectionism disrupts children’s natural curiosity and robs them of the joy they used to feel in the presence of a discovery, inquiry, or invention, according to a study at the University of Exeter. Sadly, these children often become chronic underachievers who are too afraid to take a risk or try anything new.

Strategies That Can Help Perfectionists

• Accept others and yourself as “warts and all.” In addition to being self-critical perfectionists tend to be critical of others as a way of not accepting themselves. To change, perfectionists need to be kind and accepting. This can be done by practicing non-judgment and giving messages to self and others that are reaffirming
•  Create rituals and routines. Perfectionists often avoid doing something because they are fearful they won’t do it perfectly. Creating a simple routine and habit system which has a trigger that is very small to kick-start behavior is a way of combatting the perfectionist’s avoidance.
•  Lower the expectations for results. Everything doesn’t have to have a super-duper ending or reward. Focus on the small wins and celebrations along the way.
• Be proud of what you’ve accomplished even if it’s not the greatest. Write down your accomplishments in a journal regularly.
• Keep redefining your definition of perfection. With every task, goal or project review what your definition of a perfect result would be, and focus on if they are realistic and within your control.
• Work on your tendency to procrastinate. Fear of not performing perfectly often is accompanied by procrastination. The key to dealing with procrastination is to start whatever you are doing in the smallest chunks possible. And then have a lot of small tasks in a row to complete to sustain momentum.

Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are two different approaches to dealing with difficulties that research reveals might lessen distress and boost motivation to persevere in the face of challenges. 

Self-compassion and self-forgiveness can seem like unexpected choices to aid in procrastination reduction at first glance. When you are fighting with difficult work or your procrastination, being kind and forgiving to yourself may feel like you are absolving yourself of responsibility. It could seem as though you're abdicating your accountability for completing your intended goal and any consequences that may follow. Although you might feel better, how will this help you accomplish your objectives? 

We frequently hold the belief that the only way to repair mistakes made while working toward a goal is a quick and frequently harsh crack of the whip of self-criticism. 

However, self-criticism might be detrimental when attempting to avoid procrastination. The problem with using self-criticism as motivation is that it frequently backfires. Say, for instance, that you frequently put off working out. But rather than analyzing why it's challenging to keep up a consistent running schedule, you criticize yourself. 

This reaction will make you feel even worse about working out and encourage you to put off doing it to cope. Additionally, you will be less focused on coming up with a solution if your attention is on controlling your emotions so that you don't feel as horrible (like getting a running partner). You can begin to berate yourself for being unable to run by yourself. Why can't I run alone if many other people can? 

This kind of self-criticism can result in additional negative thoughts, which in turn produce unpleasant emotions that demotivate rather than motivate, leading to more avoidance. 

Giving ourselves the same compassion we would give to others is what it means to be self-compassionate. Even though it may seem paradoxical, research has shown that self-compassion can help us accomplish our goals and lessen procrastination. 

When we put off doing something, we don't judge ourselves or our character negatively or assign responsibility for our problems. By demanding perfection from ourselves or pushing ourselves to unattainable standards, we don't make our pain worse. Instead, we take a friendly, welcoming, and accepting attitude toward our difficulties, shortcomings, and failings. Consider the following statement instead of harshly blaming oneself for a failure, real or imagined: "I realize that I pushed things off when I didn't need to, and this may have caused further problems. But I won't be harsh with myself. I acknowledge that this time, my best efforts to consider others' feelings did not result in the best result, and I will now take the necessary steps to put things right.” 

The act of forgiving someone or something is the voluntary act of letting go of unpleasant emotions like resentment or wrath that are directed at them because of the hurt they have caused you. This does not imply that you forget what was done, but rather that you let go of the unpleasant feelings you have been holding onto and which could be detrimental to your health. You acknowledge what happened and emotionally move past it. 

It's understandable if you don't believe self-compassion and forgiveness can help you get more done. Many of us have discovered that the only way to thrive in life and improve oneself is to push oneself further and further, to strive to be better and to accept nothing less than your best. But such an approach isn't helping us. How about attempting something new rather than continuing to bang our heads on the procrastination wall?Summary: There is substantial compelling evidence that for the most part shows perfectionism is a negative characteristic and set of behaviors, and in the most severe forms is harmful to one’s mental and emotional health. You must make a distinction between striving for excellence which is doing the best you can which is both desirable and healthy vs. perfectionism which is unrealistic and harmful.