Why you should stop asking why (and what to ask instead)

Have you ever had one of those conversations that seem to go downhill out of nowhere? 

“Well that could have gone better”, you muse to yourself afterwards. “Was it something I said?”. It could have been anything. Sometimes the other person just isn’t open to discussion, irrespective of how carefully we choose our words. But here’s one simple way to transform your conversations; don’t ask why.

What’s wrong with ‘why?’

‘Why’ can be very helpful. 'The Five Whys’, for example, is great for understanding the nitty gritty of process problems. It's not so good for getting to the bottom of behaviours. How you frame your questions can make all the difference between a great conversation with a positive outcome, and a difficult conversation that leaves you both frustrated. 

The conversation that ‘why?’ stopped in its tracks

I remember the first time I realised that “why” had derailed a conversation. A colleague approached me about issues he was having with a working relationship. After about twenty minutes of animated explanation, he stopped and glared at me. "Is this what coaching is about?  You're going to just sit there and b*llock me?"

I looked at him for a moment.  He raised a challenging eyebrow. "Joe”, I said mildly, “ I've asked you one question.”.

Joe opened his mouth to contradict me... then realised it was true. He’d conducted both sides of the conversation himself, every few minutes saying "and I suppose you're going to say..." "and I guess you're thinking…”. I’d simply listened. 

Maybe my face was doing the talking. But the question I’d asked Joe was "Why is this relationship a problem for you?", and it had triggered instant irritation. Oh how we laughed etc, and the conversation soon got back onto a constructive footing, but my “why?’ question had almost ended it.

Joe’s probably forgotten that conversation, but I’ll always remember it. I reflected on how I could have got it off to a better start, and remembered what I’d been taught when I was learning to coach. “Don’t ask people why”, advised Cathy Lasher, my teacher. “It takes them straight back to school.” 

How ‘why?’ can derail your conversations - and what you can ask instead

Let’s say you’re having a chat with Sam. Sam could be anyone. Sam had something important to do, but hasn’t done it. 

It impacts both of you. 

You want to help resolve it. 

Here’s how asking ‘why’ can get in the way of that.

When ‘why?’ limits options

“Don’t ask closed questions.” It’s one of the Ten Commandments for good conversations. If someone can answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’, that’s a closed question, it shuts down the conversation, and it’s Bad. ‘Why?’ does the same job. It may elicit more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in response, but it ultimately means “let’s do things MY way”. End of conversation. (There is a time and place for closed questions, but that’s another story.)

Why don't you... try this? Do that? Talk to her? Email him? All great ideas, doubtless, but they're your ideas. And the language makes it sound like Sam should have thought of it already, especially if you add the word "just". Why don't you just...? What Sam hears is “How could you have missed such an obvious solution?”.

Try these instead: What have you tried so far? How did it go? What are the options now? What might get in the way? Who could help you? What other resources do you need? 

Once you’ve asked a question, shut up and listen - really, properly listen. Don’t let your eyes flick to your phone / laptop / TV. Wait, nod encouragingly, and they’ll say some more. Listening nirvana is when you can understand the issue and explain it from Sam’s point of view as well as Sam can. When Sam feels heard.

When ‘why?’ sounds judgemental 

Think back to when someone asked you ‘why?’ without knowing anything about the situation. Remember how irritated you were? Someone thought they had all the answers before they knew what was going on? 

Back to Sam, and that deadline.

Why won't you...listen to me? Talk to him? Work overtime? Add some extra reproach by adding "because everyone else does." This question bristles with frustration and judgement.

Try this: It feels as though there's something I'm not seeing from your point of view; can you help me understand it better? What would help you to get this done? (Don’t forget listening nirvana, which applies to pretty much any question.)

When ‘why?’ sounds exasperated

When you're trying to guide a conversation towards resolution and action, it can feel exasperating. The solution seems blindingly obvious to you, but Sam doesn’t see it. Remember, what’s obvious to you isn’t necessarily the right solution, or indeed the only solution. You’re both probably thinking exactly the same thing: “You really don’t get it, do you?”.

Why can't you... get to work on time? Hit a deadline? Be more like her? In other words, you just ain’t good enough, Sam. It’s unlikely to make Sam feel comfortable talking about difficulties. It also invites retort about all the things that YOU can't do. 

Try this: What’s getting in the way? How important is it to you to achieve this? What could happen if this isn’t sorted out? How can I help? Who else can help?

When ‘why?’ feels more like interrogation than collaboration

There’s nothing wrong with being challenging, as long as it feels constructive and solution-focused.  Asking ‘why?’ can imply you think Sam’s wrong. Exploring the full picture will get you much further than trying to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that Sam is an idiot.

Why haven't you... hit your targets this week? Finished that report? Called that customer? There may be a very good reason why Sam hasn’t done it. There may even be a rubbish reason. But starting your conversation like this won’t incline Sam towards being honest.

Alternative questions: What stopped you from...? What got in the way of...? What did you prioritise over...? What was the thinking behind that decision?

Questions like these will help both of you get to the heart of the matter far more constructively. You're establishing facts, instead of putting Sam in the dock whilst you play judge and jury.

Body language matters

Great conversations aren’t just about what you ask; body language makes a big contribution. Your tone of voice, your facial expression, sighing, dropping your head, slumping your shoulders - we all have hundreds of micro-behaviours that scream everything we’re not saying. Starting a question with ‘what’ or ‘how’ can still sound exasperated and judgemental. Keep your tone of voice neutral, and stay curious. And remember, every conversation you have (Every. Single. One.) contributes towards the quality of your relationship with that person.

Ready to replace ‘why’?

Rewording your default approach to asking questions takes practice. 

Spend one day noticing yourself asking ‘why?’, and you’ll realise how often you use it. Reflect on how many of those ‘whys” could have been replaced with a more neutral word. 

Then spend a day catching yourself before asking ‘why?’, and rephrasing your question. It might take a moment, because you have to think through what you really want to know, and how you want your question to take the conversation forward. Frankly, that in itself will improve it. 

Over time, notice the effect this has on the quality of your conversations and, ultimately, your relationships.

In summary:

• Start your questions with ‘what?’ and ‘how?’ instead of ‘why?’
• Ask your question, then shut up and listen
• Be curious and open minded
• Don’t assume you know best