When People COMPLAIN, Don't EXPLAIN

Elvis said, "When things go wrong, don't go with them."

Good advice. And that's why, when people complain, it's important not to explain.

Here's why.

While renting a car, the woman next to me told the rep behind the counter, "My name is Robinson and I've reserved a mini-van."

The rep looked up her record and said, “Oh yes, Mrs. Robinson, I have your reservation right here, but we don't have any mini-vans left."

She said, "How can that be? I reserved one weeks ago."

He said, "I see that you did, but we have a new team member on board today and she just rented out the last one."

The woman got angry. "We're on vacation with three kids. We really need a mini-van."

He say, "I'm sorry, but it's not my fault," and back and forth they went.

In fact, when I left, they were still arguing and it was because the employee kept explaining why things had gone wrong.

If only he had taken The AAA Train:

AGREE: “You’re right, Mrs. Robinson, you DID reserve a mini-van.”

APOLOGIZE: “And I’m sorry we don't have any on the lot right now.”

ACT: “And I'd like to upgrade you to a larger SUV at no extra charge.”

If he'd done that, the situation would have been solved, the complaint would have been over, and the customer would have been happy instead of upset.

I'll always remember sharing this story in a Tongue Fu! workshop. A man in the front row slapped his forehead and said, "I wish I'd know this last Friday."

I asked, "What happened?"

He said, "I was supposed to pick my wife up after work so we could go to dinner. Unfortunately, there was a bad accident on the way there and traffic came to a standstill. We all just turned off our engines and sat there until it could be cleared. My cell phone had died, and there was no way I could call my wife and let her know what was happening.

When I finally got downtown, I could see my wife pacing up and down the sidewalk. I pulled up, she yanked the car door open and yelled, 'You were supposed to be here an hour ago!'

Guess what I said? 'Don't blame me, I've been stuck in traffic all this time.'

'How was I supposed to know that? I didn't know if you'd forgotten me or if you were in some ditch somewhere.'"

'Hey, it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could do about it.'

Our evening was ruined. If I'd known this, I would have said:

'You're right, I was supposed to here an hour ago.

And I'm sorry you ended up waiting so long.

And next time I try to pick you up on a Friday night, I'm building in a cushion for Murphy's Law and will make sure my phone is charged up.'

Who knows? We could have gone on to have a pleasant evening instead of being angry with each other."

A participant pushed back, "Why should he apologize when he didn't do anything wrong?"

Aahh. The crux of the question.

Are you familiar with the saying, "We can be right or we can be happy?"

I think we can apologize and it doesn't mean we're to blame.

It means we're putting ourselves in the other person's shoes and imagining what it was like for them, waiting and not knowing if we were on our way or if something bad had happened.

It doesn't mean we're responsible for what went wrong, it means we're empathizing with what it was like for this person to be on the receiving end of what went wrong.

It's natural to want to explain why we're not to blame for what happened.

But explanations come across as excuses.

They actually make people angrier because they feel we're not being accountable.

From now on when someone complains, don't explain.

Instead, Agree. Apologize. Act.

The AAA Trains puts you on the same side instead of side-against-side.

The AAA Train advances conversations instead of anchoring them in an argument.

The AAA Train saves time because it helps us find solutions, not fault.

And that's a win for all involved.

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Want more tips like this? Check out Sam's TALKING ON EGGSHELLS book.