You Don't Always Need To Talk About Your Feelings

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This weekend marked a milestone for my 15-year-old son, who started his first job as a youth soccer referee. The morning of his first game, I sensed he was nervous—a natural response to stepping into a new experience. But rather than worrying about his duties, I imagine he was more concerned about the parents in attendance, which could be the topic of a whole different Friday Forward.  

Two nights earlier, I had fortuitously stumbled upon a TV interview with Abigail Shrier, author of Bad Therapy. In the interview, Shrier spoke eloquently about the dangers of over-therapizing for our children, and the importance of giving kids space to experience emotions without excessive scrutiny or intervention. So much of life is learning to feel, cope and move forward with confidence, knowing you have the support of those closest to you. Crucially, that can only happen if someone doesn’t parachute in to solve every problem for you. 

Shrier’s perspective struck a chord with me as I considered what fatherly advice to share with my son as he prepared for his first day as a ref.  

I resisted the instinct to discuss how he was feeling in depth or offer solutions. Instead, using her advice, I acknowledged his butterflies, or nervous energy, then noted that his feelings were completely normal and would likely go away with time and experience. Sure enough, as the weekend played out and my son gained experience as a referee, that was the case.  

Today, against the backdrop of a growing mental health crisis, we find ourselves grappling with two distinct and intertwined challenges. On one hand, there are actual challenges of mental health disorders, which are particularly prevalent among our digitally isolated youth. At the same time, we face a parallel crisis of terminology creep: the tendency to label every discomfort or emotion as a sign of mental illness, which thereby dilutes the definition.  

In truth, the spectrum of human emotion is vast and nuanced. Feelings of sadness, stress, frustration, disappointment, discomfort, or anxiety are not necessarily indicators of mental health problems, but rather integral and important components of the human experience. Sometimes, children simply need to gain the experience of navigating these emotions independently to foster resilience and growth. As Shrier alluded to in the interview, emotions don’t always need to be diagnosed, discussed, dissected, or solved. If we actually attempted to analyze or discuss everything we felt in a day, we would exhaust ourselves.  

Consider the amazing journey of a toddler learning to walk, especially the excitement and sense of pride they feel figuring it out for themselves. We can watch a toddler work through this process without expressing “understanding” for their frustration, having a conversation about their feelings, or attempting to make them feel better about their failures by assuring them they will walk in their own time. Instead, we let nature take its course.  

It’s true that we’re not far removed from a generation that approached parenting and mental health in an emotionally distant manner. But we tend to overcorrect past imbalances, so we need to avoid swinging too far in the opposite direction and creating a new and potentially even greater problem.   

Those butterflies we feel before a first kiss, a first date, or a first day of work are not signs that something is wrong. They are a part of what makes us human. These feelings often need to be recognized as natural responses to unfamiliar situations, not as disorders that need to be diagnosed and treated.  

Today we face a difficult challenge on the mental health front. We must tackle genuine mental health issues with the proper resources, but we should avoid labeling uncomfortable, difficult and even painful emotions as mental health challenges that need to be solved, or even discussed extensively.  

By recognizing this important distinction, we can better equip the next generation to handle life's inevitable emotional challenges intrinsically, rather than extrinsically with constant outside intervention.

Quote of The Week

"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." - Confucius

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About Me

Robert Glazer is a serial entrepreneur, award-winning executive, bestselling author, and keynote speaker. He has a passion for helping individuals and organizations build their capacity and elevate their performance.

Learn more at www.robertglazer.com