You Know What I Mean

Every family has a secret language, right? That’s why mine never misses the chance to invoke the Monty Python line, “No one expects the Spanish inquisition,” calls every vague jerk a “mamaluke,” and refers to one branch of our clan as “The Teletubbies.” We all get what these terms mean, and to us, they mean so much. (By the way, we love the Teletubbies. Love them, do you hear me?)

At work, successful teams can have secret languages too, and I am happy to report that includes my peeps at Becoming Universe, as we call our little operation. Thus we were all hysterical when my social media maven Aleeza Zinn gave me the hat for Christmas that's pictured here. It’s a long, complicated inside joke, but suffice it to say that “Good luck, Nancy!” must be shouted in a German accent for its full effect. I am laughing right now just thinking about it.

Secret languages bind us to one another. They spark intimacy. They foster community.

✨They build bridges.✨

It is no coincidence that the language I created for the Becoming You method is called The Values Bridge. Because it gives us fifteen words to describe every type of want we may have, and in doing so, allows us to articulate our own motivations, and explain them to all those they impact.

Take Scope, the language’s word for how big or small a life you desire.

Those of us with low Scope prefer lives of tranquility, calm, and predictability, even if it means occasional routine or boredom. Those of us with high scope prefer lives with scads of excitement, stimulation, and experiences, even if it means occasional chaos or instability. Some of us are right in the middle.

Or consider Familycentrism, the language’s word for the centrality of family in your decisions and actions. Those of us with high Familycentrism put every choice through a screen that asks, “How will this impact my family and how much I get to be with them and care for them?” Those of us with low Familycentrism don’t have that screen at all; other priorities take precedence, such as Achievement or Affluence, two words in the language that need no explanation. And again, there are those of us who fall right in the middle.

When couples, friends, families, teams at work, or whole organizations even, can talk about values with a shared language, things change.

They really do. And for the better. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Conversations are less recriminatory – “You’re this,” or “You’re that.” And they become more inquisitive and thoughtful, with exchanges that sound like, “Maybe we have different levels of this value or that value. Let’s explore what that means.”

Having a language of values allows us, at last, to talk about values with shared awareness, which can lead to, dare I say it, empathy?

The Values Bridge language is only a year old – although it took me a lifetime of studying and research to create it. But I already see how it can change conversations, and lives. And so, as 2025 fast approaches, I urge you to put learning it on your New Year’s Resolution list. Unlike most resolutions, it is entirely doable, because it’s easy and fast, and only involves hard labor like reading this newsletter and listening to my podcast, or maybe taking a Becoming You intensive. (The book about all this is not out until May, sorry!)

Until then, though, we can still get fluent in Values Bridge together.

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