After 6 months on my new treatment plan, I received my routine MRI. The following day, my nurse sent me a message: “Your MRI is stable -- no new lesions.” I broke down into tears, and I almost couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath for a year now, living in absolute fear of the next MRI results. It seemed too good to be true – I was suddenly doing better. When did that happen?
I reflected upon what my life looked like before and after my first hospitalization. It dawned on me that I had been suffering for quite some time: crippling fatigue, migraines, muscle pain, weakness, and depression. By the time I was hospitalized, my MRI scans showed 10 previous lesions that went undetected. How many flares did I have without even knowing what was happening?
In the year leading up to my hospitalization, I would have a migraine once every 2 months that would be so debilitating I could not move for days. My fatigue was at its worst; I’d be winded after walking longer than 20 minutes. It's frustrating and hurtful to relive those days, knowing I didn’t need to suffer. To think about the damage I was enduring, completely unaware.
Of course, I didn’t feel good, but I never received answers. I was continuously told my labs were fine. When my inflammation factors came back high, I was advised to follow a healthier lifestyle – all while lesions were developing on my brain. I found that very early in my life, it was already too late. And yet, my story isn't rare. People often fall through the cracks of the medical systems until there is irreversible damage. Unfortunately, women of color bear the worst of it.
Now my MS is stable and I’ve found a treatment plan that works for me. It wasn’t an easy process, but I finally feel safe enough to accept I am doing better. I can let go of the long list of ailments that disappeared after diagnosing and treating my MS. I left my doctor's appointment feeling light for the first time in years. I had finally shed the pain, fear, and baggage that was holding me back all these years. Chronic illness can be very unpredictable, but for once, I felt confident in myself and my body – a connection that had been deeply severed throughout my life.
I spent countless nights pleading with the sky to change my fate, to return to the life I once knew. Now, I have the wisdom to understand I was living a life of suffering, and for it to get better, it had to get worse. Gradually, without realizing it, I started walking 5 miles daily, rarely experienced migraines, and overcame my fatigue. This journey has taught me that overcoming the grief we are given in life is not about knowing the outcome, but about continuing forward despite the uncertainty. And in doing so, I’ve discovered that any day now, everything can change for the better.
Photo Credit: Maskot/Getty Images
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