“Papier hier!” There’s a muffled bellow behind me, but when I turn around there’s nobody there. Ten minutes later, I do that reflex spin that parents so often do when a baby cries, but again – no baby.
Welcome to Efteling, the Netherlands’ eccentric theme park, one of the oldest of its kind in Europe. What had begun as a sports recreation park in North Brabant in 1933 morphed into a Fairytale Forest visitor attraction in 1952. Ten folk tales were brought to life by full-scale models of castles and characters from Brothers Grimm classics, such as Snow White and The Frog Prince.
Seven years later Little Red Riding Hood arrived in the forest, along with that curious call for “paper here!” – Holle Bolle Gijs, a bin masquerading as a chubby “paper gobbler”. Nearby, his portly pal Geeuwende Gijs (yawning Gijs) lets one rip when I pop an empty cup into his mouth.
Baby Gijs, who lives in the playground, cries until he is given some “food”, then happily gurgles “yummy, yummy”.
If it sounds weird, it is. The always-hungry paper gobblers keep Laafland spotlessly clean, where models of the Laaf folk can be found clinging to the sails of a bakery’s windmill or studying in the schoolroom of their village, while visitors glide through the treetops on giant snails that patrol the monorail and children play gleefully on the slides and see-saws below.
As we leave Laafland, we exit through Mother Lot’s maternity ward. Babies are tucked into conical baskets that hang on the wall like Christmas decorations, while life-giving Mother Lot, who could have had a cameo on Spitting Image, looks over a cluster of babies drinking juice (or is that wine?) being pressed from bunches of grapes.
For a parent whose first child was born just after the Brexit referendum, Efteling isn’t just eccentric, it’s a Mitteleuropean tonic. The original Fairytale Forest is crammed with all the tales my children know – Pinocchio, The Little Mermaid, Rapunzel, Rumpelstiltskin – and many more they don’t.
They’re intrigued by the dark undertones of The Troll King and The Wolf and Seven Little Kids, and delighted by the cinnamon-scented cake at the gate of Hansel and Gretel’s cottage. Soon after, I’m pestered into slotting 50 cents into a machine to make a donkey on a plinth lift its tail and shoot a souvenir coin out of its rear end.
As we weave along the forest paths, we’re fully immersed in the fairytales, passing half-timbered houses and castles as the occasional red squirrel flashes past and birds sing in the trees. At the Bosrijk village where we’re staying, just outside the park gates, rabbits hop around the elegant Dutch holiday houses at in the early morning mist.
In its 70-year history, Efteling has grown considerably. Last year, it attracted almost five and-a-half million visitors (to put that in perspective, the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam receives just over a million) and is the third-most visited theme park in Europe after Disneyland Paris and Germany’s Europa Park.
However, unlike many other theme parks, almost 90 per cent of it is green – there are acres of woods, lakes and lawns. Even during our half-term visit, the park never feels busy, and the longest we queue for a ride is 10 minutes.
While Efteling has committed to building on no more than 11 per cent of its land, there are plenty of rides that are as eclectic as Laafland and the Fairytale Forest.
A haunted castle, Spookslot (now closed, reopening next year as Danse Macabre) opened in 1978, with a big expansion of rides following in 1984. This included Carnaval Festival, “a journey around the world in eight minutes”, aka Efteling’s It’s a Small World.
It’s as reductive as it sounds, taking us past national costumed animatronic characters, British bobbies, a bagpipe-blowing Scot and some dubious Japanese plate-spinners (some culturally questionable costumes and props have been removed or updated over the years).
Several rollercoasters that our children are thankfully too small to ride satisfy thrill-seekers, but there’s a less stomach-churning family version.
When it’s time for lunch, we find the food both reasonable and appealing. There are – gasp – salads and fruit, but we can’t resist the pancake restaurant, where prices start at around £5 and there’s a mechanical kitchen theatre centrepiece that distracts hungry tummies while the pancakes are being flipped.
As darkness begins to fall, we’ve exhausted nearly all the age-appropriate rides and our children, but there’s another surprise up Efteling’s sleeve. A huge water and light show ripples over the entrance lake with more than 200 fountains and almost 1,000 lights and a few fireballs shooting skywards.
As we traipse back to our woodland house, a spectacular sunset illuminates the trees as if it had been choreographed for closing time. It would be plausible – Efteling feels authentic, generous in its space and imagination, with almost every inch of the park revealing a fantastical story.
Back at the Bosrijk holiday village, the long, white-bearded Sandman is making his way through the woods to tell bedtime stories in Dutch, English, French and German. It’s a charming, European end to a weird and rather wonderful day.
How to get there
Return flights from Gatwick to Amsterdam Schiphol Airport start at £29 with easyJet.
Efteling is an hour by train from Amsterdam. Return tickets from Amsterdam Schiphol Airport to ‘s-Hertogenbosch are £17 (€19) per adult and £2.22 (€2.50) children aged four-11.
Alternatively, the park can be accessed by train from Rotterdam (served by Eurostar) to Tilburg, ns.nl
Where to stay
Two nights in a house sleeping six at Holiday village Efteling Bosrijk from £551 (€670), including three days’ access to Efteling Theme Park. The Grand Hotel Efteling will open in the park next year, and there’s an offsite hotel and alternative Loonsche Land holiday village.
More information
efteling.com
