The ‘live to work or work to live’ puzzle goes some way to capturing the confusing messaging around work in 2023. On the one hand hustle-culture TikTok encourages us to grind and think of our spare time as financial potential. On the other we're routinely fed millennial burn-out essays or reflections on the post-pandemic culture of overworking. The annihilation of personal boundaries means that some people's private lives are non-existent, trying to stay afloat in a cost of living crisis. Others, despite having the privilege to escape this, still struggle to disentangle their identity or self-worth from their job.
In some ways the latter isn't altogether surprising. Capitalist society is built to value employment over many other things. We tend to introduce ourselves to strangers through our profession, and the question “how are you?” can often slip into being about how work is going rather than how we ourselves are doing. But tethering our work to our worth, and overwhelmingly defining ourselves by our jobs or professional achievements, can be problematic.
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Naomi Shragai, author of The Man Who Mistook His Job for His Life, thinks it's increasingly common for people to tie their self-worth to work. The reasons why are more complex. “It's much easier for people to measure their self-worth at work – knowing how much money you make and the career progression offers concrete evidence of your worth,” she tells GQ. “It's much more difficult to measure oneself outside of work and through personal relationships or family.” Unlike a friendship or being a parent, work offers concrete feedback and a way to measure yourself in tangible ways, like a promotion or salary increase.
Additionally, with its defined boundaries and relationships, work allows people to feel in control. “In other words, they know what to do, and what's expected of them,” Shragai explains. “Once they come home, it might feel an emotional minefield, as they don't know what's expected of them, or when they might be criticised.” Work can feel like a safer place for some as a result, and this might be why many retreat into the predictability of their jobs and the clear reward system they offer.
Where this can become an issue is when achieving or winning has become a way to try and solve a psychological problem, Shragai says, like avoiding rejection or gaining approval or love from a parent. This dynamic “can become a spiral where winning is their sole solutions to everything”. Worse still, rather than hold onto the feeling of fulfilment when they've reached a goal, it's likely they'll disregard it and attempt the next achievement in the hope that it will make them feel good about themselves."
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This doesn't mean people aren't allowed to celebrate their professional achievements. As Shragai plainly puts it, “you know, people should feel better about themselves." But “the real problem is when people tend to dismiss their achievements and forget about them, then go back to feelings of low self worth.” It's the never ending cycle of achievement and dismissal that is the problem – not gaining self-worth from work itself.
In better news, a better work-life balance and healthier relationship with our sense of worth Shragai believes is possible. The first step is recognising the transition might take time. Instead "set short and manageable targets for yourself rather than thinking you can make sudden and big changes” as change is slow.
When getting a hold on obsessive overworking, “be honest about facing the cost on your health, close relationships and career, and ask yourself if it is worth it”. Are you trying to fix a historical wound or hurt? “It takes some self-awareness to understand what your motivations are,” Shragai says. “Work can be a place where people can build a sense of self-worth through good work and relationships, but it's important that it stays in balance.”
Claw back time for the people that are important in your life, remember the passions you have that you aren't being paid for, and the skills you have that you are not being judged on. The perspective that there's more to life than work may come sooner than you think.
