.jpg)
While promoting her film Do Aur Do Pyaar, director Shirsha Guha Thakurta clarified that it wasn’t a film about infidelity; it was about love. And if you’ve seen the Vidya Balan and Pratik Gandhi-starrer, you’ll realise they can exist interdependently. You can love your partner and still be disloyal — as confounding as this theory may seem.
This statement holds up in psychology as well. According to David M. Buss, one of the founders of evolutionary psychology, human beings are generally inclined towards non-monogamy, with monogamy being more of a societal structure rather than a natural state.
However, going by the laws of traditional society — as it exists in 2024 at any rate — infidelity is a moral sin and, if you’ve been unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of it, a harrowing experience. When you’ve been cheated on, you can’t help but ponder the why; in most cases, it’ll leave you feeling lacking. Maybe if you’d been a bit more attentive, reciprocating and spontaneous even… they wouldn’t have had to stray. Right?
Well, no. At least, not always. According to Mumbai-based Counselling Psychologist Rashi Laskari, sometimes, when a person cheats, it has nothing to do with their partner and everything to do with their own gratuitous need for validation. “While it may be assumed that infidelity revolves around physical attraction, it’s usually a direct manifestation of some larger psychological or emotional issue that’s remained unresolved for the concerned person,” she says. Here’s breaking it all down.
Infidelity guide: Why do people cheat on their partners? Experts break down the psychology behind it
Emotional disconnect: One of the most common causes of infidelity is when the two partners experience an emotional disconnect.
“When people cheat, they are often seeking something that’s missing in their primary relationship. Over time, couples drift apart — one may seek that missing emotion elsewhere, instead of rebuilding on it with their partner. It is not uncommon to find someone to confide in — a colleague, a friend — and what starts as an innocent relationship, ends up turning into something more. Because the emotional void is being “filled” by this friendship,” says Laskari.
In the case of a long-term relationship, people may begin to feel a bit stuck in their monotony once the honeymoon period comes to an end. While they claim to be perfectly happy with their bond, there is this underlying need or quest to seek out the excitement of the early years, just as a means of a temporary escape from their routine lives.
“I have found that the allure for a forbidden affair is more prevalent among people experiencing mid-life crises, as a result of their desire to feel younger, or to just feel desirable,” she adds.
As diabolical as it may seem to some, it’s possible for a person to be perfectly content in their relationship but still cheat on their partner. It’s because they harbour a constant need for validation, which stems from a place of low self-worth.
“For them, an affair becomes proof of their worthiness or attractiveness. This obviously comes from a place of deeper insecurity that they have not addressed. The affair then becomes less about the other person, and more about serving their own purpose — that is, bolstering the self image,” Laskari says.
In some cases, individuals don’t necessarily set out with the intent to cheat but lack the impulse to hold back when the lines get blurred. To Laskari, this could be due to a troubled coping mechanism or an inability to set clear boundaries. To this end, the psychological influence of poor impulse control can lead to people cheating on their partners despite knowing better.
