7 ways in which narcissistic parents negatively impact their children

The Damaging Impact of Narcissistic Parents and Strategies for Healing

Have you ever felt drained when you are around your parent/s? Or that you are and have been the caregiver for your parent/s for a long time, almost since childhood? Or that whatever you do never seems to be enough for them/ by their standards?

Perhaps, you were raised by parents with narcissistic tendencies or a narcissistic parent.

If you are looking to understand more and why this is so, then read on to see if you have been subjected to any or more of the following:

1. Conditional love — A narcissistic parent’s love and affection are often conditional on the child behaving in certain ways to meet the parent’s needs for validation and attention. This can make the child feel unloved and bend over backwards to conform in order to gain a modicum of approval. This becomes a pattern further on in the child’s life and they will be exploited by others who can see it clearly.

2. Emotional abuse — Narcissistic parents may belittle, criticize, shame, compare, or manipulate their children to try to control them and influence their life choices in every manner. This constitutes emotional abuse, opening the individual to being manipulated and controlled by others.

3. Lack of boundaries — Narcissistic parents often do not respect their children’s boundaries and privacy. They will belittle the child’s needs and feelings and often laugh at them. This can make the child feel violated, incapable, stupid and like their own needs don’t matter. The individual is likely to put themselves last in all relationships due to this belief.

4. Parentification — Narcissistic parents may inappropriately rely on the child for emotional support and glorification of the parent. This role reversal in caregiving is called parentification. It often seems that the child is the adult as they struggle to take care of the parent, who expects their needs to be taken care of.

5. Scapegoating — Narcissistic parents often have a “golden child” and a “scapegoat” whom they blame for family problems. The scapegoat child bears the brunt of criticism and hostility and punishment is a strong recurring theme. They often play the children one against the other in order to have their own emotional needs met. It is a very distorted and destructive dynamic.

6. Gaslighting — Narcissistic parents may deny or distort reality to manipulate their child’s sense of reality. They will utilise perverted logic and confuse the child into being manipulated. Children do not have a mature sense of discernment and will believe what adults say as they are learning to experience the world around them. This mind-twisting is called gaslighting.

7. Living through the child — Narcissistic parents may pressure the child to fulfil the parent’s own unfulfilled dreams and aspirations rather than supporting the child’s unique talents and interests. This makes them feel validated, but destroys the talents, passions and dreams of the child. What’s more, they always say that they have the best interests of the child at heart!

Narcissistic parental behaviours like these can deeply hurt a child’s self-esteem, emotional well-being, and development. The destructive impact often extends into adulthood, causing much anguish and suffering until the person learns to break free, which may even mean walking away! Counselling can help in healing and establishing healthy boundaries so that the adult can live an independent life.

If you relate to any of the above, here are some tips for dealing with issues that may arise from being raised by a narcissistic parent:

• Seek help — Counselling or Therapy. A structured approach with an understanding of what you have been through can help you process childhood wounds, gain insight into the dysfunctional dynamics at play, and learn effective coping strategies. Having validation from a trained counsellor can be very healing and help you regain your independence! It is a slow journey and support goes a long way.
• Set boundaries with your parent and ensure that they are respected. You may choose to limit contact, decline requests, or disengage during toxic interactions. The parent will do everything to break down your boundaries and you have to do everything to stay firm. Remember, they raised you and are acutely aware of all your triggers, even more than you yourself! Boundaries allow you to take care of yourself.
• Work on building your self-esteem. Many children of narcissists struggle with severe self-esteem issues due to excessive criticism. They feel unworthy, always doubtful and incapable of taking decisions and that they do not deserve better. Challenge negative self-talk and identify your positive qualities. Once again a Skilled Helper can be your best ally during this journey.
• Practice self-care, self-love and self-validation. Make sure you are taking time for activities and relationships that nourish you emotionally. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Don’t neglect your own needs for those of anyone else like you may have been conditioned to in the past!
• Let go of guilt and self-blame. Children often feel responsible for their narcissistic parent’s behaviour and emotions. Guilt and shame do not serve much as you go through life. Remind yourself that you were not to blame and as a child, you did not have the understanding of the situation, nor the skills to handle it differently, but as an adult, you can grow and learn. You can improve, let go and become independent. You deserve it!
• Seek support. Connecting with others who have experienced similar childhoods can help you feel understood and less alone. Support groups exist both online and in person.
• Accept the fact that your parent is a narcissist. You can’t change them. You didn’t cause their narcissism, and you can’t control their behaviour. Their issues are not your responsibility, but your own life is! Focus on your own growth.
• Set strong emotional boundaries. Once you understand the dynamics, it becomes easier to stop seeking validation, affection or fulfilment of your needs from your narcissistic parent. Cultivate healthy relationships and build your circle of friends who are mature and empathetic and provide mutual support and respect.
• Consider going low or no contact if needed. In some cases, severely limiting contact with a narcissistic parent is necessary to protect yourself and your mental health. Be patient, get support, and know you have the power to build a happy, healthy life.

As a mindfulness practitioner and life-design coach, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritize their mental and emotional health. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. Connect with me if you are seeking to go forward on your journey.