Ain't Nobody Got Time for Garbage Questions: Take Out the Trash with These 3 Tips

Once upon a time, my team was working a human trafficking investigation backward from the report of a recovered survivor. We figured out that the suspect threw a phone away in the bathroom of a gas station in the seedy part of town. The victim was a child, the phone had damning evidence, and we really, really, wanted to recover it.

The rub, as Bill Shakespeare might have written, was that the phone went into the garbage earlier in the day. The bathroom trash had gone in the main bin. Outside. You see, it was summer. In Kansas. That means 100 degrees and 99% humidity. The devil himself stays inside in July in Kansas. To this day, I recall the foul odor of the expired milk and perishables that had been mixing and baking all day in that metal enclosure.

That's the sort of foulness that a garbage question evokes. When I watch a leader miss an opportunity to make a deep connection by asking a trashy question, I reminisce painfully about that pit of hot garbage despair.

"Wow," you might be thinking. "Rude! Who is this guy to decide which questions are superior and which should be tossed on the refuse pile?"

Look, I don't need a fancy credential to tell you a question stinks. It's intuitive! Primal even. I've watched so many of my peers, subordinates, and negotiation subjects recoil after a question fails. When your question causes your questionee to break off the conversation, or react with anger or frustration, or when your question gets the dreaded phrase, "IT'S FINE", you failed.

This is a shame because your questions are the litmus test of the authenticity and skill of your leadership ability. Let me put this a different way. People largely gauge your leadership ability by how you construct and deliver your inquiries. It's time we all start crafting questions that deserve answers! Here are three ways to immediately improve your question game.

1. Give'em a Nose Job - We are prone to make snap judgments about everything! Even how we are questioned. I can tell within three or four words whether a question is made with care or designed to fail. Low-value questions start with "Can you", "Will you", "Do you". Those questions tell the story-teller that the inquisitor does not care about a story. It stifles listening. Those are YES/NO, closed-ended, and we can do better. The fix is easy! Chop off the lead. "Can you tell me about that?" should become "Tell me about that!" with a tone that invites warmly. Instead, rehearse asking "How", "What", and "If" questions. "Do you like your job?" becomes "What is the best thing you do at work?" or even more amazing- "If you were in charge of everything here, what one thing would you change right away?" Those are "million-dollar" questions because they are high-value and get the story teller's attention. They understand now how serious you are about them and their perspective.
2. Ditch Advocacy, Embrace Inquiry - There are only two ways to ask questions. You can "ask" a question while you advocate an answer. "You love your job, RIGHT?" Or you can ask a question with a spirit of inquiry. Your communication partner knows you can be trusted with the truth when you sell them on the spirit of inquiry. You should be asking a question for which you do not have a preferred amswer! Never supply the answer with the question. It creates resentment, kills trust, and mars any sense of empathy you were creating in this conversation.
3. Design Questions that Do More - Biggest and fastest interrogative fail? Ask a question to merely obtain some information. That is a weak question for all to see. It's reflexive and unintentional. Trusted, influential leaders ask questions that seek the big picture. They seek insight into emotions, motivations, values, and beliefs! Stop asking low-value questions. It makes you look like a low-value leader. The most important thing that carefully constructed questions accomplish is to communicate how serious you are about discovering the truth of the matter at hand. Deep, honest questions merit deep, honest answers. Get real, or forget about learning what is really going on in your culture!

I am learning that others learn more about us when we ask a question than we do when they answer! So put some thought and rehearsal into preparing amazing questions that just do more. Leave the trash in the dumpster and offer people gems of inquiry instead! Strive to be the leader who asks the sort of question that stops your valuable team members in their tracks as they exclaim, "Wow, what a great question, I've never thought about that before!" That's the mark of a skillful questioner. That's our goal. Now go do it!

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Dan Oblinger is a hostage negotiator, international keynote speaker, and author of "Life or Death Listening: A Hostage Negotiator's How-to Guide to Mastering the Essential Communication Skill". He is constantly working on his questioning ability, often with perfect strangers. Join him! Or have him join you for your next keynote opportunity. He wrote a book that he hopes you'll find classy, not trashy! Check it out here: Life or Death Listening on Amazon. Reach him here on LinkedIn or by emailing dan.oblinger@gmail.com.

Want to know more? Read his other 25 articles about the value and mechanics of building a culture on intentional listening in your organization. Take the links at the bottom of this page to his other offerings!