Article 7: Your moods and emotions are your greatest teachers

This is the seventh in a series of articles based on my Redesigning Conversations A Workbook: Self-Coaching Questions for Parents, Leaders, Teachers, and Coaches. Figures, exercises, question sets, tables, and case studies are numbered sequentially.

This is the longest article so far, dealing with what Ontological Coaching calls:

• the six basic moods of life
• mood contagion
• mood manoeuvres
• a background mood of unsettlement.

Your moods and emotions affect everything you think, say, and do

While we use these terms interchangeably (as I do in these articles), Ontological Coaching regards emotions as short-lived feelings from a known cause, such as being happy when your child first walks or feeling fear when they run across the road. Moods refer to longer-lasting feelings that have no clear starting point, such as resentment, resignation, and anxiety. Moods can lie deep within you, often out of your awareness.

Ontological Coaching suggests there are six basic moods of life. I set these out in Figure 9, with examples of declarations you may make and effects on you.

How do we learn from our moods and emotions?

Moods and emotions are your greatest teachers. How do we learn from them? I offer four steps:

Step 1: notice the mood.

Step 2: name the mood (a mood manoeuvre, Exercise 24).

Step 3: test your opinions that inform the mood (Question Set 1, Article 4)

Step 4: using a narrative therapy/coaching tool, externalise the mood and have conversations with it; for example, ask, ‘What are you trying to do?’

These steps are not linear, and you may go to and fro as you reconsider how you name the mood or discover other ones.

You could give a personal touch to the mood, for example, name resentment as the ‘nasty’ one and curiosity as the ‘fun’ one.

In externalising the mood, you can also see it as not something you have to live with, and in as colourful language as you wish to use, you can tell the nasty one (resentment) where to go, that you are not going to be fooled by it.

I will offer exercises for each mood.

Exercise 17: Resentment

• Reflect on the factors associated with resentment in Figure 9.
• Think of a person you feel resentment towards; for example, you think they have treated you unfairly. Why?
• Think of a person who feels resentment towards you; for example, they think you have treated them unfairly. Why?
• Test each opinion (Question Set 1, Article 4).
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

 Exercise 18: Resignation

• Reflect on the factors associated with resignation in Figure 9.
• Is there any aspect of your life where they may be relevant? For example, are you burnt out at work but resigned to staying there for fear of another opportunity not working out? Or are you burnt out at home but fearful of making a request of your partner to do more of the workload, thinking making it would fall on deaf ears or cause tension?
• Test your opinion (Question Set 1, Article 4).
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Exercise 19: Anxiety

• Reflect on the factors associated with anxiety in Figure 9.
• Do you feel overwhelmed?
• Are there any tasks you have taken on that another could do, or that need not be taken on at all? Is there anyone from whom you could request support?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

Exercise 20: Acceptance

• Reflect on the factors associated with acceptance in Figure 9.
• Think of one aspect of your life where you feel you cannot cope.
• Do you have any control over that aspect?
• If not, think of one step you could take to accept that you have little or no control.
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

 Associated with acceptance is peace. For example, once you accept that you have little or no control, you may move into a mood of peace, giving you time to reflect.

 Exercise 21: Ambition

• Reflect on the factors associated with ambition in Figure 9.
• Do you accept your life can improve, for example, if you take on a formal degree in an area of interest to you?
• If so, think of one step you could take to achieve that.
• Make a declaration to take that step within a defined time.

Exercise 22: Curiosity

• Reflect on the factors associated with curiosity in Figure 9.
• Is there an area of life you find fascinating and wish to explore further? For example, I found it fascinating how we have our conversations, which led me to do a Master of Counselling.
• If so, think of one step you could take to explore this area.
• Make a declaration to take that step within a defined time.

Mood contagion

You carry your moods and emotions with you, affecting yourself and others, akin to the ripple effect of a person throwing a stone (mood/emotion) out onto the water, as in Figure 10, affecting the people around them.

In neurological terms, this ripple effect is called mood contagion (and emotional contagion). Mood contagion applies in families and workplaces. For example, a boss’s moods will affect their team, and a parent’s moods affect another parent’s and their children’s moods. These moods may spread from the workplace to home, and vice versa. Children may spread it to their schools. Hence the ripple effect of our moods and emotions.

Mood contagion includes positive moods and negative moods. For example, your boss may arrive at work, or you may arrive home, in a positive contagious mood, such as being peaceful, cheerful, or optimistic. Or you can bring to work or home a negative contagious mood, such as being cranky, gloomy, or pessimistic.

Arguably, labelling moods as positive or negative is misleading since they can be helpful if we learn from them. With this qualification, I use this distinction.

Scaling

Some years ago, Margi Brown Ash suggested using the solution-focused therapy/coaching tool of scaling to indicate the level of stress I was bringing home from work. I would telephone or text ahead my mood on a scale of 1 (good) to 10 (bad). This would alert both me and Margi to my level of stress. An amazing outcome was that by the time I got home, my stress usually lessened, even in small steps, say, from a 7 to a 6. What was happening here? The act of scaling brought awareness to the effect on me and our children, and I would use mood manoeuvres (Question Set 3) to de-stress before I arrived home.

Using scaling became an important mood manoeuvre for Margi and me.

Exercise 23: Mood contagion

• Do you bring home unhelpful moods from work?
• Do you think using scaling would work for you?
• If so, are you able to make a declaration to implement this, or another method to change to a more helpful mood, within a defined time?

Mood manoeuvres

Mood manoeuvres assist you in managing and learning from your moods. The important first step is to notice your moods and not be trapped by them.

In Question Set 3, I set out mood manoeuvres. You may use others.

Question Set 3: Mood manoeuvres

What if you used one or more of the following to take you into a more helpful mood?

• naming the mood
• going easy on yourself
• taking time out
• asking, ‘What types of conversations could you be having?’ (Discussed in later articles)
• scaling
• forgiving
• apologising
• using humour/laughter
• adjusting your body posture
• exercising, including walking
• breathing
• listening to music
• meditation
• giving gratitude.

Exercise 24: Mood manoeuvres

• Do you find the term ‘mood manoeuvre’ useful? Why?
• Think of an occasion when a mood manoeuvre mentioned in Question Set 3 may have been useful for you. Why?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

 A background mood of unsettlement

Evolving attitudes and practices in relation to the family, workplace, and society can create anxiety and fear. I call this a background mood of unsettlement, a term used by Alan Sieler .

In my experience, many of us have a background mood of unsettlement when working in toxic workplaces and dealing with people different from us, such as of a different race or ethnicity.

This background mood of unsettlement may manifest itself in moods of resentment, resignation, and anxiety.

Exercise 25: Background mood of unsettlement

• Do you find the term ‘background mood of unsettlement’ useful? Why?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

***

Speak soon in Article 8: Your body’s role in your conversations

Previous articles:

Article 1: Your Way of Being and Conversational Interplay

Article 2: Taking care of our and others’ concerns

Article 3: Your Listening and Speaking from your Listening; and Linguistic Acts

Article 4: Linguistic Acts: Facts or opinions, and Testing your Opinions

Article 5: Linguistic Acts: Declarations, Promises, and Requests

Article 6: “Breakdowns” in our lives