Article 21: Conversations for Relationship

This is the twenty-first in a series of articles based on my 'Redesigning Conversations A Workbook: Self-Coaching Questions for Parents, Leaders, Teachers, and Coaches'.

Figures, exercises, question sets, tables, and case studies are numbered sequentially.

As noted in Article 14, naming a conversation is a powerful tool for having better conversations to address our and others’ concerns and to create possibilities.

In this article, I discuss conversations for relationship.

Whatever value we place upon ourselves or others, and whatever hope we may have for the future, depends on the welfare of relationship … Without care of relationship we also risk an ending.[1]         

When I read these words of Ken Gergen, I sat up. It is inevitable our relationships can get to a stage when we have no choice than to put up our hand and suggest time out for a conversation for relationship. I am the first to acknowledge this is easy to suggest yet challenging to perform. It has been so for me and Margi Brown Ash . Though now, when Margi suggests we have a conversation for relationship, this language jolts me into awareness that I may not be noticing the effect I am having on her and the family.

I will discuss two aspects of our relationships:

• If there is one truth in life for relationships, it is the need to work on them.
• The one warning sign that is often overlooked is the lurking of secrets.

We need to work on our relationships

We enter relationships in all areas of our lives, including our extended families and workplaces. We need to work on them from day one, as summed up so well by Ken Gergen in the quote at the beginning of this chapter.

Gergen's words remind us how important it is to keep our conversations going, taking care of our relationships through practising conversational intimacy. Without this, our relationship becomes static, risking an ending, even if we are physically present. André Maurois sums this up in describing a happy relationship (he was referring to a marriage) as

a happy relationship is a long conversation which always seems too short.[2]        

Nip it in the bud

If we do not air our differences, we risk moving into moods of resentment and resignation, often lying deep within our unknown, inevitably to be triggered when we least expect it; and then all we can say is ‘Why did I stay so long in this relationship, letting my life drift by?’ This could be with your partner or in a work role.

These moods of resentment and resignation prevent us from being the best parent, leader, or colleague we can be. Through mood contagion (Exercise 23, Article 7), it can affect our loved ones and work colleagues.

But how?

It takes courage to raise our relationship with another, even with, and perhaps especially with, our long-term partners. In some cases, requesting professional support may be the best option. Ideally both parties request this support. When Margi and I requested the support of a family counsellor soon after our fourth child was born, it became a tipping point in our relationship, placing us on a level playing field with the skills and language offered by the counsellor.

While we understandably fear having these conversations, in my experience the other person often feels relieved as they could not summon the courage to suggest a conversation to sort things out.

A good first step is to test your opinions as to what is amiss in the relationship using the questions in Question Set 1 (Article 4), especially:

• For the sake of what are you forming this opinion?
• How does this opinion serve you for what you want in this relationship?
• How does this opinion take care of you and your loved ones/colleagues?

After testing your opinions, the next step is to ask, For the sake of what are you not having a conversation for relationship?

If you decide to have a conversation, it is crucial to ensure the space, time, and moods are okay for each party: see Question Set 5, Article 11.

Exercise 59: Working on our relationships

• Is there a relationship you think could benefit from having a conversation for relationship?
• If so, is there a reason, such as enemy of learning (Exercise 30, Article10), you can think of that has prevented you from raising this with the other person? Or is there an ally of learning (Exercise 31, Article 10) that could assist you?
• Do you consider there is a step you could take to request a conversation for relationship?
• Are you able to make a declaration to take that step within a defined time?

Secrets

I will discuss secrets in our families and workplaces.

Family secrets

Family secrets and what’s not said (the elephant in the room) go to the heart of moods in families.

Fiction is a great educator. Many books tell of how secret-keeping in families has adverse effects, including on those keeping them. In 'Redesigning Conversations', I mention Jane Harper’s 'The Lost Man', Liane Moriarty’s 'Apples Never Fall', and Marion Frith’s 'Here in the After'.[3] Since then, I have read Sally Piper’s 'Grace's Table' and Mary Grand’s 'The Island'.[4] These raise important issues, including:

• What is said and what’s not said, and when.
• Why do we marry the person we do?
• Do we hug each other enough?
• Whose memory?
• Whose rules?

And they take us back to the opinion test (Question Set 1, Article 4), including questions such as:

• For the sake of what am I holding on to this secret?
• Whose and what concerns are I taking care of?
• From what standards am I having this reaction?

Case Study 8: Family secrets

In my book, ‘Redesigning Conversations: A Guide to Communicating Effectively in the Family, Workplace, and Society’, I tell of my journey with gay relationships before Margi and I married. We met during this journey, and Margi supported me.

However, it was not until I was writing Redesigning Conversations that Margi and I decided I should tell the children. I was nervous and had to summon courage, with a declaration, Just do it!

I was relieved with their supportive reactions, with one child responding, ‘Dad, I thought you were going to say something serious like you have cancer.’

However, our trans son was disappointed that I did not tell him in his teens. It may have assisted him in his journey.

Discussion of Case Study 8

Margi and I have a no-secrets philosophy, which was breached in this case. We cannot go back in time, though a feeling of guilt remains in me.

Exercise 60: Family secrets

• Is there a family secret you are holding on to? Test your opinion as to whether this serves you and your loved ones.
• Do you believe your parents, for example, are holding on to a family secret you think would be best discussed? Test your opinion.
• Ask, ‘For the sake of what am I not having a conversation about this real or perceived family secret?’
• Do you consider there is a step you could take to request a conversation for relationship?
• Are you able to make a declaration to take that step within a defined time?

Workplace secrets

The discussion of family secrets is relevant to our workplaces.

Information is power. In my experience, information can be used to create and maintain power.

There may be many reasons to maintain confidentially in our workplaces. However, I suggest these reasons are given an opinion test top-up from time to time, as transparency can be a friend in creating more helpful moods and emotions in our workplaces. It goes to the culture of our workplaces (Question Sets 7 and 8, Article 12).

Exercise 61: Workplace secrets

• Are there any things in your workplace that are not discussed? Why?
• If so, whose or what concerns are being taken care of?
• Are there any declarations you wish to make?

***

Speak soon in Article 22: Conversations for Competition; Conversations for Possible Conversations

Previous articles:

Article 1: Your Way of Being and Conversational Interplay

Article 2: Taking care of our and others’ concerns

Article 3: Your Listening and Speaking from your Listening; and Linguistic Acts

Article 4: Linguistic Acts: Facts or opinions, and Testing your Opinions

Article 5: Linguistic Acts: Declarations, Promises, and Requests

Article 6: “Breakdowns” in our lives

Article 7: Your Moods and Emotions: your greatest teachers

Article 8: Your body’s role in your conversations

Article 9: The role of your scripts in your conversations

Article 10 Your Enemies and Allies of Learning

Article 11: Your Conversational Interplay (a recap) and Conversation Enhancers, including for Meetings

Article 12:  Our Conversations are the Foundation of our Family and Work Cultures

Article 13: Questions for Self-Coaching using Ontological Terms and Concepts

Article 14: The Power of Naming Our Conversations

Article 15: Conversations for Clarity

Article 16: Conversations for Stories and Personal Opinions

Article 17 Conversation for Possible Actions (Speculative Conversations)

Article 18: Conversations for Commitment to Action

Article 19: Conversations for Progress and Completion

Article 20: Conversations resulting from assessments of a task

Footnotes:

[1] Kenneth J. Gergen, Relational Being: Beyond Self and Community, Oxford University Press, 2009, p. 396.

[2] André Maurois, Memoirs 1885–1967, The Bodley Head, 1970, p. 218.

[3] Jane Harper, The Lost Man, Pan Australia, 2019; Liane Moriarty, Apples Never Fall, Macmillan Australia, 2021; Marion Frith. Here in the After, HarperCollins AU, 2021.

[4] Sally Piper, Grace's Table, University of Queensland Press, 2014; Mary Grand, The Island: where secrets are impossible to keep..., Boldwood Books Ltd, 2021.