Avoiding the Confidence Trap
Barry Lewis Green
Educator, Speaker, Coach, Writer, and Creator championing Character Leadership ... for high functioning Purpose and Unity at home, school, work, business, play and community around the world.
Consider this. As an educator and entrepreneur over the last 4 decades, I have run into more than one student, client or colleague who has somehow expressed the desire for more Confidence. And, in so observing and working with same, I am ever increasingly aware of what I call the Confidence Trap. Starting this month, on the 15th of each month, I am offering up the "Dozen It" Series; 12 monthly topics around personal leadership at work and life.
Issue 1. The Confidence Trap
Too often, we seek to build our Confidence, while feeling something of a lack of it ... at the time of wanting it. We want more Confidence, but wonder how we can build it without having it in the first place; that chicken and egg thing again.
In my years of coaching, teaching and speaking, I have seen this Trap play itself out countless times and I have seen and even helped many escape or avoid it. Indeed, I have seen a flavour of the Trap where we believe we already understand Confidence as some sort of bravado. It too is a manifestation of the Trap. Today, I offer up some observations that might facilitate your own growth in, or understanding of, genuine Confidence.
OBSERVATION #1. The Basis of True Confidence
Confidence is not arrogance. It is not about knowing we can do anything. It is grounded in Humility; yes, Humility. Consider:
Humility is not humiliation. It is the acceptance of our strengths and challenges alike. It is accepting who we are, where we are, when we are. With Humility, we can take stock. We can inventory our strengths and challenges... and accept them in the now, knowing that we can grow in both. We see ourselves as "works in progress" in our areas of strength and otherwise. We are eternal students, knowing that life long studentry is the real path to any kind of true mastery. We are grateful for our gifts and we admit our own mistakes and challenges. We do not pose or fake it.
Humility does not beat us up, but opens us up to learning and growing. It takes away the pressure of perfect as a noun (a myth) and allows us to understand perfect as a verb (our best reality). Think of Humility as the water table, serving the roots of Confidence. If we want to build genuine Confidence, we first work on our Humility.
Observation #2. Courage First, Confidence Second
These words were shared with me by an ex-Marine back in 1988; a marine who found himself in Cambodia, behind enemy lines in the Vietnam War. He shared with me these 4 words that have guided much of my work and life.
- Courage first. Confidence second.
His point then was that we too often concern ourselves with building our Confidence, when Courage is the soil from which Confidence grows.
With Humility as the underlying water table... if we take care of the soil, the tree will be fine. Rather than trying to build our Confidence, we might see such Confidence as the by-product of the daily practice of Courage.
Observation #3. Understanding True Confidence
Let us talk about that tree, rising up from Humility and Courage in full practice. We need to get clear on that tree; on true and genuine Confidence. We, far too often, see it as a skill to be learned. I respectfully offer it is more; much more. Consider:
We can hold Confidence in ourselves, which is important.
Even more so, we can hold and practice Confidence in life itself.
Ultimate (and the most healthy manifestation of) Confidence is flavoured by Trust ...
... and Faith.
At their most authentic, neither Trust nor Faith is blind. They do not imply we know how we are going to get there, but they believe we will get there; wherever our where might be. This kind of Confidence is nothing of arrogance. It is born of...
Observation #4. Certitude Decides and Guides
Consider the path that the tree takes going upward. It is decisive. It gains its strength from resistance to the wind and carves its way upward. The water table of Humility and the soil that is Courage, have produced a growing Confidence. But the tree still decides on its path upward. It knows what it is, and what it does, intrinsically. It is a tree and it grows upward.
This is Certitude. It dances with our Confidence, directing it. I have no desire to be confident in cruelty nor deceit. It is not who I am. I am a man deeply passionate and purposeful about the most palpable, powerful and practical manifestation of Unity, and the power of Character in getting us there. It has been part of my childhood imagination without realizing or articulating it. It has been part of my soulful wiring since I can remember, manifested in the heroes (alive, dead, real, and fictional) throughout my life.
Of this I am certain. In this, I practice my own personal Certitude.
I know what I am at core, in that which I truly believe... and it guides the development of my respective confidences; and my practice of Confidence. I know that essence of my path as tree. Does that make sense? It does for me. I know that which matters to me and the Confidence I need to serve it. I do not need nor seek to be or do anything else.
HOMEworking
Of late, I have been writing on character in these days and times. You can access my most recent posts here, with links within links if you like to explore. Indeed, yesterday, I offered a sneak peek on Confidence. Whether you read these or not, I now offer this. I am an educator, and I suggest some HOMEwork, especially in these days of isolation, but also any time. First, I offer this from the Ivey Business Journal...
- The Character of Leadership from the Ivey Business Journal
- Developing Leadership Character from the Ivey Business Journal
... and then a small potpourri of thought on developing skills around Confidence.
- 10 Ways to Grow Your Confidence, by Liz Ryan
- 10 Things You Can Do to Boost Self-Confidence by Chris W. Dunn
- 5 Powerful Ways to Boost Your Confidence by Peter Economy
That is the study part. You can explore and discern for yourself. I contend that the real HOMEwork lies in the understanding of Humility, Courage, Confidence and Certitude.
- Build the water table; your Humility. Start by inventorying your strengths and challenges and fully accept them in the NOW. Own them, knowing you have the opportunity to grow and that there will always be strengths and challenges to chase.
- Take care of the soil. Practice Courage every day. Therein is the real work. The tree that is Confidence will grow accordingly.
- But, in so doing, spend time getting certain on that for which you are truly certain. In times of great change, we are reminded that much is out of our control... but who we are is not one of them. Let Certitude guide your growth in Confidence.
You might notice that Confidence is more of a passenger in this process. Strengthening your Humility, and practicing your Courage will grow your genuine Confidence. Harnessing your Certitude will guide it going forward; and help you avoid the vicious and viscous Confidence Trap.
Next Up
Next month, we look at the potholes for self care as we go forward. Sounds like something needed in these times of tectonic change, "dozen it"? :-)
Peace, passion and prosperity...
Barry Lewis Green, aka The Unity Guy with Epic Engage
Educate, lead, unite and inspire. Move forward together, stronger. My work is about bringing campuses, companies and communities together, moving forward stronger. I work with educators, entrepreneurs and emerging leaders to do just that. My work is about character leadership and education and its role in helping individuals and organizations build a better world at school, work, business and community. I deliver on it through speaking, coaching and development in character leadership and education. My expertise is character leadership and education. I advance unity in diversity by moving the needle on leadership and education that is high character and results forging. I speak, teach, coach, facilitate, lead, write, sing, dance, cartoon and create on that. In 1980, Professor Rolf Hattenauer changed my life. A highly respected expert in Human Resource Management, he expected much of us and he believed much in us. He was an educator and leader of high character. He was extraordinary. To this day and beyond, I try my darnedest to honor his spirit with my own work. That is another story. But I hope I did him service here.
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