Befriending Your Inner Critic
✦ Matt Zinman ✦
Resilience Builder | Burnout Crusader | Author of Z-isms | Speaker | Corporate Trainer | Podcast Host | Happierness Innovator | Mindset and Wellbeing Transformer | Nonprofit Founder
Let’s get something straight: your inner critic is not you.
It is neither kind nor understanding. It acts on assumptions more than it relies on facts. Its “behavior” is destructive and unnecessary. It sees nothing on the bright side.
We all talk to ourselves. We all make mistakes. In my view, the distinction between healthy and unhealthy inner dialogue is whether those thoughts are more intentional than not. We don’t beat ourselves up on purpose.
In fact, many of us allow our inner critic to run on autopilot without consciously noticing what we say to ourselves. This naturally has a significant impact on our daily lives as it diminishes our emotional well-being, our self-worth and our happiness.
Permitting your inner critic to remain unchecked is like having someone speak negatively behind your back. You’re left in the dark about how any rumors began, making it impossible to confront them.
We expend a lot of energy trying to influence events around us. Let’s give your inner world its due, expose your inner critic for what it is, and put it in its place.
WHAT WE’RE SIDESTEPPING
Let’s not bite off more than we can chew. To make real progress together, we need to stay focused and keep it simple.
This is not the time or place for scientific and clinical analyses or exceptions to norms. To be clear - and for context - here’s what we’re not delving into any deeper:
1. The Superego: the ethical component of our personality – our conscience – as the source of criticisms and inhibitions that give voice to our inner critic.
2. Origin and Functions: why and how it stems from our childhood and serves a “protective” role in adulthood.
3. Negativity Bias: human tendencies to give more weight to negative experiences than positive ones.
4. Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs): the inner critic operates within a subset of this human trait.
5. Imposter Syndrome: circumstantial beliefs that one is not as competent as others perceive them to be.
6. Mental Health: clinical depression, anxiety, burnout and related conditions that empower and amplify the inner critic.
Disclaimer: Though the above may be oversimplified and incomplete, it fulfills its intent.
For our purposes, the inner critic is that voice in your mind that belittles and bullies you. Some of the ways you can recognize when it’s doing the talking is when it:
● Dismisses the effort you put into something
● Tells you that you could have done something better, quicker, etc.
● Diminishes your accomplishments
● Pushes you to compare yourself to people who are “better” than you and makes you feel bad as a result
● Shames you for not knowing how to do something or not doing it well enough
It’s time to take charge.
GET ACQUAINTED
The simplest and potentially most effective way to make peace with your inner critic is to disassociate it with a name and persona. Choose one that’s different from anyone you’ve ever known and unlike the “real you.” Have some fun with it.
One approach is to think of it as a cartoon character, be it Fred, Barnie, Wilma or Betty. Villains are another way to go: Gaston or Cruella? Your imagination is also available. Rude Ralph or Judgmental Judy ("JJ") are options.
How would you describe its appearance and personality? What if you gave it a different voice and tone? Something ridiculous might be a good way to go. Give it a try.
From now on, your inner critic’s name is: “___________.”
For the remainder of this article, continue to fill in the blanks.
TUNE-IN
How can you become more aware of this disapproving persona and its narrative? Knowing that “__________” whispers in your ear without always hearing what they say, take a moment to consider the following:
● How much does “__________” currently affect you?
● How aware are you of what “__________” repeatedly says?
Common examples:
- “You’re not worthy.”
- “Nobody loves you.”
- “You must be perfect.”
- “You can’t do it.”
- “You’re weak, a loser, a failure...”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “Why can’t you get it together?”
These may or may not seem extreme. To further disassociate yourself from “__________,” notice that we’re no longer using “I” or “me” or “my” for self-reference.
Naturally, the self-talk is different for each of us, as is its frequency and intensity. Pinpoint what you say to yourself and what drives the narrative.
Does it focus on:
- being a perfectionist or taskmaster?
- comparisons and concerns about what others think of you?
- guilt trips or instilling shame?
- and/or, pure destructive self-loathing that degrades your self-worth?
Once you get to the root of it, you’ll be able to root it out.
SET BOUNDARIES
If you somehow missed Issue 13 about self-kindness as “The Single Most Transformative Skill for Resilience,” this is where reaches its full potency.
Again, it’s definitive. It’s binary. You’re either being kind to yourself or you’re not. And, once you agree to be nothing less than kind to yourself, you’re able to draw the line that “__________” can no longer cross.
Here's where you tell “__________” to take a hike because you’ve decided that “that’s not what I say to myself.”
While on the topic of past issues, several others you may find relevant involve: Earned Confidence, perception, intuition, resilience and presence. Quieting “__________” gives you another way to spend less time in your head and more in your life.
LET’s KEEP IT PRACTICAL
Here are some other ways to disassociate from unproductive thoughts.
1. Think of yourself as a coworker in need of feedback that’s less than positive. You wouldn’t demean them, right? You’re more likely to be diplomatic, caring and productive. Be that.
2. Choose a photo of yourself as a child that captures the true essence of who you know yourself to be and/or holds special meaning. Would you ever speak to that kid the ways you permit “__________” to treat you?
3. Think of a friend or family member from whom you expect respect. If they were to step out of line, you’d call them on it, right? You deserve to be spoken to in the same way you would speak to those you love.
STRIKING A BALANCE
While constructive self-criticism has its place, it can still be part of cultivating a growth mindset. Rather than being your “own worst critic,” consider being your own best advocate.
As suggested, it begins with practicing self-awareness. Whenever you catch “__________” in the act, make the extra effort to confront it.
● Disassociate: what did “__________” just say to me?
● Challenge: is this based on certainty or assumption? (use your Fiction Filter)
● Reframe: if the criticism is warranted, what’s a productive way to say it without disparaging myself?
● Counterbalance: “Maybe I could’ve handled [X] better, but here’s what I did well and will try to do better the next time.”
● Experiment: What if you sat “__________” in a chair to confront their unacceptable behavior?
If you find mirror-work helpful, say “I love you” and mean it. Look yourself straight in the eye and decide to put any self-doubts, insecurities and hatred aside. Just be sure to stay present and attentive to what thoughts go through your mind.
LIBERATE YOURSELF FROM YOUR SELF
Though we may not be able to control our thoughts, we can control our thoughts from controlling us.
Identify self-criticism as a brain hiccup. Tell yourself the opposite of what you don’t like about yourself. If “__________” is giving you a hard time about being shy and nervous around others, focus on affirmations that you’re confident and outgoing.
Words matter. It’s a little like smiling when you’re down. Though it may feel insincere at first, your mood still improves.
Thoughts matter. Give yourself grace. Rely on your inner coach for support and encouragement. You deserve it, really you do!
Actions matter. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Congratulate yourself daily for all your achievements. Practice self-gratitude.
Choose Happierness whenever possible. Challenging your inner critic also creates opportunities to hone your positivity reflex.
As always, living on THE BRIGHT SIDE is yours to enjoy.
THE BRIGHT SIDE is a 100% Human-Generated Publication
TBS Issue 16 - Personal Message
I hope this week's article convinces you to detach from your inner critic, be mindful of what you say to yourself and embrace a growth mindset. Please feel welcome to join me for a few more minutes about:
● Your inner critic's role in overthinking
● Special announcement
● A few thoughts about defeating depression
To your HAPPIERNESS!
Author of “Z-isms: Insights to Live By” (free eBook and Audiobook)
Host of “Insights to Live By – The Podcast”
Contact: matt@Z-isms.com
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● Defeating Depression Once and For All
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Earned Confidence: An logic filter based on one’s life experiences that proves it unnecessary to worry, be anxious or make assumptions about uncertainties because one is fully capable to cope with actual occurrences in real time.
Resilience: The capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; remain unaffected by insignificant occurrences; adapt to challenges; and, keep things in perspective.
Presence: The conscious state of observing, noticing and/or experiencing life as it happens while remaining free of distraction; intentional engagement to tune-in to the moments that matter. Practicing mindfulness.
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Culture & Revenue Connector | Strategic HR Advisor | Speaker
6mo✦ Matt Zinman ✦ thank you for bringing this article to my attention. I love the practical guidance you provide in helping someone become self-aware and step through decreasing the volume on their "inner critic". I was bullied growing up, and that was difficult. Yet a couple of years ago, after working with an incredible coach and mastermind group, I realized that the worst bully I had encountered was my own internal "JUDGE". That was an eye-opening realization. In following similar steps to what you outlined here, I learned to turn down the volume of my "JUDGE". I also learned to appreciate how this "JUDGE" served me in the past as a survival mechanism, but I had long outgrown it.
⭐️ Brand Alchemist ⭐️ Brand Activator & Book Guide ⭐️Publishing & Marketing @ SusanGilbert - I help Founders & Entrepreneurs transform their experience into gold for unparalleled impact with a book and personal brand.
6moI really appreciate your powerful message, Matt. It's a crucial reminder to be kinder to ourselves and embrace a healthier, more intentional inner dialogue. Thank you for shedding light on this important topic!