Beneath Your Beautiful

“Be careful of whom you judge, for a fake smile can hide a million tears” - Adnan Chilwan

There was once a man who remained unmarried his whole life, until his dying day, when he was ninety years old. As he lay, ready for death to claim him, his nephew asked him, “Uncle, you remained unmarried your whole life. Why did you not marry anyone?

I have been meaning to ask you this question for a long time, so please tell me was there a secret behind this choice?”

The old man, with tears in his eyes, nodded and said, “Yes, there is a secret. It is not that I am against marriage, but that I was searching for the perfect woman. I kept searching, days turned to months, and years turned to decades, and my whole life passed by in a blink of an eye”. The curious nephew inquired, “But there are millions of women out there. How could you not find the perfect woman?”

A tear rolled down the dying man’s cheeks, “Yes, I did find the perfect woman”.

The nephew was shocked, “Uncle what happened? Why you did not get married then?”

The old man sadly said with a heavy sigh, “She was searching for the perfect husband”.

In the search for perfection, we miss out on the most wonderful opportunities in life.

I recently learnt of a word on social media and thought to share it with you.

FOMO. #FOMO. Ring any bells? Do you know what that stands for? Heck, it has even found its way in the Oxford dictionary.

Fear of missing out

According to psychologists, it is like experiencing anxiety for not being part of an event or in the 'know' and the plain simple fear that one is not living their life to the fullest. Though just a small acronym, it hides behind tidal waves of emotions of loneliness, insecurity, envy and possibly feelings of alienation and abandonment. Seeing images on social media is a common trigger, and the fear can propel people towards unneeded anxiety and social distress. Images of the perfect life cast a dark shadow on our existing lives.

From birth, we are chiseled by our social environment to fit into its version of the ‘perfect mold’ that would make us ‘world ready’ in our adult life. Throughout our life, from parents to tutors to friends to peers, to everyone near and dear, bombard us with the aspiration of the perfect life that has to be attained, or you stand the chance of being infected by #FOMO.

Instead of only breaking down barriers, this incredible social medium is also alienating and black labeling us for no rhyme or reason.

But there is more

Fake it Until You Make It - LOL

Perfection also gives the ones touting these fake philosophies, the ammunition to brand others as inferior or not up to standards. They become the black sheep that have no place in society until they change. Change for what? And what do we do? In reaching these fake standards that might never be attainable, we turn a blind eye to what life is really offering us. The key to unlocking our own unique identity.

We are all part of a society obsessed with perfection. And it is sadly, mostly physical and material that matters in this barometer of acceptance. To me, it is simply an exhausting way to live. Yet, we beat ourselves down and keep striving for the perfect home, car, waistline, abs, spouse, and job and on and on.

Black Sheep

And this sad reality is the reason I am writing this blog. It is for the black sheep. The anomaly. The missing piece in the puzzle. It is especially addressed to those who feel they are not ‘good enough’. Who have been pushed into the dark for being themselves. The ones who have been abandoned for being who they are. The ones who feel that they have no choice but to conform. The ones who have been cornered into a quiet submission for being the odd ones. The ones who are afraid to be themselves, for fear that they will be abandoned. The ones who torment themselves day in and out for not being like others. The ones who are punished for thinking differently and silenced for being even a shadow of themselves.

These beings carry heavy guilt for ignoring who they are, that they have perfected the art of hiding their true selves. They build unbreakable boundaries around themselves, for fear of being found out. They are fake remnants of the society’s accepted code of conduct. Every day is a tormenting journey in hate, regret and fear and a silent cry for help. But no one is hearing. No one wants to listen. No one really cares.

If you are even slightly nodding after reading this, know that you are not alone. I see people like you every day, and it saddens me. It reminds me of my own past, and thankfully, I got away from that dark path long ago. But many of you are still lost; trying to meet other’s levels of perfection, thinking it will lead you to greener pastures. But it will not. It only gets worse, and the standards only keep rising. And one day, it will be too late to turn back.

Perfectly Imperfect

To me, perfection it is not a universal standard. It is simply other’s expectations of you. What they see as imperfect, is already a perfect being in themselves. Do not get me wrong here. It does not mean, that we stop to try to become better versions of ourselves. It simply means to accept who you are, with your flaws, mistakes and imperfections.

We are simply, beautifully broken.

Where is this beauty? You were born with it, but you decided to hide it. Years of pain made you shield yourself, and feeling insecure and less confident, you decided to hide your real being within. Beneath those layers of boundaries and fake personas of who you are not, there is a beautiful soul, waiting to be discovered. It is full of positive light, dreams, hopes, ideas and the capacity of deep, sincere love. It has the power to shine through the darkest of times, and beauty that is beyond all these “societal perfections”. It is the most beautiful thing ever created and that will ever remain. It is a unique, exceptional You. You came in this world with these exclusive qualities, for the special purpose that you were made for. This makes you who you are. Do not change for those who will never understand you.

And if people accept you, it is their blessing. And if they don’t, let them go. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. You were not meant to be anyway, without someone getting hurt. You continue on the path made for you, by being uniquely you. No one was like you before, and no one will ever be after you are gone. You, as yourself, is a gift and you must protect and nourish it. Do not ban it from existence because of other’s misunderstandings.

For those who are the reason for changing such gems, you really need to find a deeper purpose in life. You are blinded by your view of perfection that is making you miss such wonderful opportunities. But know this. You, yourselves, are not perfect. What mirage of perfection are you chasing? In my books, you are already lost.

It is in imperfection that you will embrace your true beauty. Here are a few ways to help you start seeing at things in a new light.

·       Acceptance or No Go - Decide.

There is no greater suffering, than constantly comparing yourself to others and coming up short. Your self-worth lies in your own hands. Stop seeking acceptance from others. This, I believe is the first step and one of the toughest. It is bravery to understand your shortcomings and weaknesses, and to embrace them with your heart and soul. Unconditionally. But also to see where your strengths lie. A flaw seen by others could be your asset. It is a simple change in mindset. Self-improvement begins with self- acceptance. This is how you start on the path of seeing inner beauty.

·       Numb the control freak

You must understand that you cannot control everything in life. Most of the time, you have to take a back seat and let things work out on their own. Let life happen and take some time to breathe and let go. You will find a host of new avenues to focus on and grow your strengths in. Sometimes letting go of expectations is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Let life unravel on its own terms and relieve yourself of unnecessary worry. It does not define you.

·       Bumpy road to forgiveness

We all make mistakes and have shortcomings that define us. However, what is distressing is the flashbacks that follow. Let go of the addiction to keep playing the past in your mind. Somehow, this holds you back from seeing the beauty within and how it will help you move ahead in life. Stop being a hostage to your memories and forgive yourself for what you did and should have done. It is over. It is in the past. Try not to repeat the same mistakes and cherish the learning you received. They will help you heal faster. It will not be easy, but you will get there. Trust yourself and move on.

·       Real relationships defined by imperfection

The search for real love does not exist in perfection. True love rises from our imperfections. From our accepting of the other’s flaws and weaknesses. It intensifies in our approval of others being different and it glows in attributes of forgiveness, compassion and compromises. This underlies everlasting relationships, whether amongst sincere friends, spouses, siblings, and more. If we wait for the perfect circumstances or start changing people against their will, we will be waiting all our lives. True love relies on accepting imperfections and appreciating the similarities.

·       The burden of choice

Often, I hear this phrase, that one did not have a choice. Well let me tell you, that there is always a choice when you want to follow a certain direction. If people are with you, that is great. But if you have to travel alone, what is stopping you. Believe me, there is always a choice in whom you keep as mentors, friends and the company you keep. Greater courage is to take a few steps back, acknowledge the bitterness and sadness within, and start breaking down the walls of fakeness you have built around. Unfriend the bad company that is making you lose yourself before it is too late. Let go of the bad choices. And if you are stuck and miserable, you have no one to blame but yourself. But perhaps, this is the choice you are making for yourself? It is not too late. Be who you are. Be proud of who you are. It is a daily braver choice you make. And if people cannot withstand it, then maybe you are better off alone anyway.

True beauty is already inside of you, but you choose to look at others for approval. But they might not even notice you are there, and yet you slay your hopes and dreams, at the foothold of their desires and wants. Until you vanish into obscurity.

This reminds me of a poem by Erin Hanson Forgotten in A Day, which has deeper meaning that it seems. I use this poem to bring out subtle reasons as to why we must embrace ourselves the way we are because others would not care less if we existed or not.

I drift in and out of people’s lives,

Like a feather in the breeze,

You never really know I’m there,

Until I start to leave,

I don’t make connections deep,

Because I’m scared of what I’ll lose,

I don’t try to compete with anyone else,

And I’ll never make you choose,

I prefer to stick to the sidelines,

Because the spotlight hurts my eyes,

I hide behind a constant smile,

So you won’t know it’s a disguise,

People tend to forget I’m there,

When I’m in a crowded room,

I can disappear for days on end,

And I’m bound to do it soon,

Don’t worry if you notice I’m gone,

I never meant to stay,

But I know that you won’t miss me long,

I’ll be forgotten in a day

All the sacrifices, forgotten in a day. That is a poignant line.

Your life and beauty within is beyond what you think it is. You have the words that can change generations, but you bite your tongue, and hide behind your own shadow. You are afraid of showing who you are, when the world is waiting to see you shine. When will you break down your self-created boundaries, and let your beautiful soul be seen? When will you stop running on people’s expectations and start to walk on your own standards? So what if you are different from others?

It does not make you any less than them. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Your differences and uniqueness is what makes you perfect. Your flaws and mistakes along the way only show how human you are. The learnings in the journey chisel you to become a wiser version of the original you. Do not change that for anyone. It was never meant to be like that in the first place. Search for likeminded people. Be patient. They are there.

You are as beautiful within as you are wonderful on the outside. Take off the cloak of who you are not and let the true you come out. Little by little, day at a time. Cultivate your uniqueness and work on your dreams and aspirations. Love yourself and do not be afraid of who you are. Love yourself more than any disapproval, bad days or obstacles. Like anything, they too do pass. Open yourself and accept all that is you. There is still time. It is not too late.

Some people will love you no matter what you do, and others will run at the first sight of revealing yourself. Do not worry. They do not matter and never will. Keep moving ahead. Your destiny is somewhere else. Let life happen. Let your beautiful self, shine through. Do not settle for anything less.

You do not need to put up a fake smile. You do not need to hide away the tears. You do not need to feel that ache in your heart. You do not need to hold your silence anymore. You do not need to be fearful of showing your true feelings. Your beauty within can surpass anyone’s expectations. People are blind, but you are not.

The beautiful broken you is perfection. But if only you could see what I see - Beneath Your Beautiful