Boys do cry. So, let's make them smile

12 days of Christmas [educational] inspiration - from 2023. Warning: this post references statistics relating to suicide.

It was back in 2014 that I was made to sit up and listen. The incredible mental health campaigner and trainer, Dick Moore, spoke at a mental health conference I organised at Highfield and Brookham School . As I referenced in my first 12 days of christmas article, the conversation around young people's mental health had really only juist begun, yet the statistics were stark (even though the most up-do-date official ones we had dated back to 2004). Following the death of his son to depression, Dick Moore spoke with conviction, courage and force. He warned us not to ignore young boys and men in our campaign to embed mental health strategies in our schools. He spoke of the rise in disordered eating amongst teenage boys and the numbers of young males who tragically complete suicide.

Dick is now entering his twelth year of speaking to schools, families and young people. He visited my school in November to speak to our Years 7 and 8 and their parents. His message was as relevant now as it was in 2012. His TEDx talk and BBC Radio 4 piece are well worth listening to:

Dick Moore: TEDx talk. Dancing or drowning in the rain?

Dick Moore: BBC Radio 4Four Thought

I have been training and coaching teachers in mental health first aid since 2015 and always repeat Dick's stark warnings to ignore boys' emotions, feelings and mental health at our peril. Again, inspired by Dick's training, I show a couple of short film clips to trainees, both to highlight the stigma that goes with mental health and something we must all be wise to - toxic masculinity:

The mask you live in

This warning is reinforced by Matt Pinkett in his outstanding book, published this year, Boys Do Cry: Improving Boys' Mental Health and Wellbeing in Schools. Anger, exclusions, suicide and self-harm receive attention, as do more recently exposed topics such as pornography, consent and respect and LGBTQ+.

Matt provides a great deal of research and statistics to underpin his work:

• 72% of young people who died by suicide in 2020 were boys.
• Suicide remains the biggest killer of men under the age of 45.
• The rates of young people self-harming has seen an exponential rise. If you do one thing with this article, please look at his chapter on suicide and self-harm: it gives valuable advice.
• In research conducted in 2019, nearly half of men surveyed said that their masculinity was dependent on physical and emotional strength. 38% avoided talking to people about their problems for fear of appearing 'unmanly'. Yet the overwhelming majority surveyed - 76% - believed that talking helps when dealing with problems.
• An hour of 'light exercise' each day for young people aged 12-16 years is associated with an 8-11% decrease in depression scores. Yet 31% of young people are exercising for less than 30 minutes each day, according to research from Sport England.
• A stonewall report of 2017 found that a worrying 70% of LBG pupils had considered taking their life. 92% of trans pupils had (a salient point as the government today publishes their non-statutory guidance on gender questioning pupils).
• In 2020, 87% of children aged 12-15 had a social media account. According to Matt, a quick search on Instagram (the most popular social media account for young people) for hash tag #fitspo returns 74.8 million photos, all featuring young, musclebound men. A survey by Credos, found that 35% of boys felt pressure about the way their body looks.
• Some surveys go as far as reckoning 83-100% of male adolescents have accessed pornography.

Statistics do of course come with their own health warning, however they all highlight the importance of young people growing up in school and home within an environment where they feel empowered to talk. Having read Matt's book twice now this year, his case studies and strategies do all seem to suggest we - schools, parents and wider society - can do more to lift the lid on an ongoing issue with boys: that is a reticence to open up and talk. As was the theme of a talk I gave to Creative Education a couple of years ago, 'too many are hiding behind a mask'.

Matt states the aim of his book is to "make boys realise that to feel angry, scared, weak, lonely, anxious, terrified is not failure, but human". With this goal in mind, he sets about providing talking points and advice for all who work with and care for boys. Herewith some of my takeaway points:

• To make children feel they all belong in school and that their own lived experiences and voices are heard, schools should audit their provision across the curriculum. Do texts represent BAME authors? Are classes given enough time to reflect on their own empathy and compassion as they discuss characters and non-fiction texts? Are students encouraged to uncover and express their own lived experiences?
• Every single member of staff in every single school should be trained in how to respond to a a child they think might be suicidal. Only 53% of teachers feel they could support a child who shares suicidal thoughts with them, with 47% citing a lack of training (I am at a loss as to why mental health training is not a statutory part of teacher training).
• Schools should normalise emotional talk and find as many natural forums to bring in discussion points. Tutor times, assemblies and 1:1 mentoring are of course great opportunities for this, as are lessons, playgrounds and corridors. Children won't pick up the art of normalising emotional talk by themselves, they need to be taught and modeled this behaviour by adults.
• Be wary of banter: is it "simply reinfocring toxic cultural expercations of masculinity"? For a long time, I have been concerned about the word 'banter' and feel it is the precurser to much larger issues in our schools, even from a very young age.
• Schools, local authorities, academy trusts and the government must invest in sports provision for all students, and that provision must be there for all, no matter what their ability and confidence level.
• Be careful in referencing physical bodies to students. Saying to a boy "you've shot up over the summer!" might make him uncomfortable. We must teach children from a young age of the manipulation of the male body in social media. It saddens me so much when I overhear children talk about how "ripped they are" and that they are taking protein suppliments.
• Teach students to call each other out from a young age and when faced with any form of unkindness or insensitivity. If they get used to doing this on the playground, they are more likely to call out prejudices as they get older. As Matt says at the end of the chapter on pornography, "it is only through education that the scourge of sexual abuse, assault and harrassment can be eradicated". And it starts with enabling a culture of calling out low-level behaviours and unkindness.

I thoroughly recommend Matt's book and for educators to take it upon themselves to find practical tips in supporting children who disclose any mental health issues. That first response from a trusted adult can be absolutely key.

The book ends with a powerful statement:

Boys do cry. They get scared, and they get lonely. They want to be good. They want to love and be loved. [We need to] ensure that our boys become men who aren't afraid to be vulnerable; men who seek help when they need it, before it's too late; men who lift other people up, rather than put other people down; men who treat other people with respect and dignity. Men who talk and men who listen.

Tomorrow's inspiration: some reflections about Gen Alpha, taken from Ernst & Young Global Consulting Services and Ian Yorston (both talks I heard at Radley College ).