Coaching is something my clients “experience”

If I asked you what coaching is, what would you say? How would you explain it?!

Coaching is an abstract term and unless someone has experienced coaching before, it can be quite a challenge for a coach to communicate and also difficult for prospective clients to understand what it means.  I really don’t mean that in a pejorative way!  Coaching styles differ greatly between coaches and because every client is unique, no coaching intervention will ever be the same, this is why some of us coaches struggle to articulate clearly.  Its like the analogy of a customer in a restaurant when the waiter asks “what would you like?” and the customer says “what have you got?” and the waiter replies, “you can have anything you like”.  It’s not so helpful!

In this post I break down what you can expect from your coaching sessions when you are considering working with a coach.  I’ve written this based on the style of coaching that I deliver which won’t apply to all coaches in the same way, although generally speaking, there are elements of the process that will be common features of coaching with other coaches too. 

I hope it will be helpful to be transparent about what actually happens in a coaching session so that if you are considering working with a coach, you get a better sense of what to expect!

Spectrum of Coaching

First let me talk about something called the Spectrum of Coaching.  This is something that was shared with me while I was training and whilst I found it useful then, I refer to this concept probably most days as it's so helpful to help clients understand and navigate the different types of coaching available in the market place.

The term “coach” and “coaching” often get used generally to encompass everything across the whole spectrum, and this is precisely why it can be so challenging to concisely articulate what coaching is.

Mentoring is typically more directive, involving telling, giving advice, sharing experience. Coaching is more client-led, based on the principle that the client is the expert in their situation and the coaches role is to help them to get to the right solution for themselves. Both approaches are equally valid and some clients will require either or both depending on their context and aims for coaching.

Generally, I refer to my style of coaching as “pure” coaching because I operate at the “coach” end, the client-led end of the spectrum.  Whilst I am trained in both coaching AND mentoring, my personal preference and my philosophy is that I find this type of coaching to be the most effective.  But of course this also means this type of coaching is not the right intervention for some clients. That is always ok.  I’m not here to coach everyone.  I will always support anyone contacting me to find the right solution, even if that is not to work with me.

And whilst I say that I tend to operate at the coach end of the spectrum,  in some sessions, I will move along the spectrum if that is what the client needs.  That is the dexterity and experience of a coach, who has the training and practice to know what approach is of best service for a client at any given moment in time and in any circumstance.  Overall, my coaching isn’t about directing you, telling you what I think or giving you advice, it is about helping YOU to get to the right solution for you and your business by asking the right questions at the right time, listening and reflecting back what I am hearing so you get to the solution.  It’s a subtle difference but in my experience, can be more empowering.

So let me expand on what actually happens in coaching sessions.  

It can feel like there is a bigger problem, before you get a resolution

This is a tricky one to articulate.  Coaches have a saying; “the problem is never the problem”.  What is meant by this is that almost always, the client seeks coaching for a specific “problem” which is in fact the symptom of a different problem.

My coaching is about getting to the real root. And sometimes clients (I also include me when I have been a coaching client) are not aware of the root (for if we were, we would unlikely require coaching!) and so we have to do some digging to get there.  There is no silver bullet, I don’t know what is going on for you so we have to apply some diagnostic techniques to get there.  We won’t always get to the root right away.  But we will get there.

Some in my network have replayed experiences where they felt that the coach was looking for new problems to fix which the client was not looking to address, or maybe even didn’t see as a problem.  So I’m not confusing these two concepts.  A coach looking for new problems to fix to extend the coaching is unethical.  An experienced coach will always ask the client’s permission before proceeding with a line of inquiry.  The client is always in control in coaching.  So in getting to the root, an experienced coach will never impose their agenda onto the client.  But at the same time, the direction the coaching goes in, may not always be what the client was expecting at the start of the coaching assignment.  This is one of the reasons I require some open-mindedness of my clients, to be open to the things they do not yet know or have awareness about, that may only be revealed once we start coaching.  It’s also about good contracting from the outset so the client knows what to expect and understands the termination clause.  It’s also, of course, about trust and that is why deciding who you are going to work with as your coach is a decision that should not be rushed.

Frequently, the insights come between sessions, not just during the sessions

I offer telephone and email contact between my coaching sessions for this very reason.  And almost all of my clients use this service, to greater or lesser extents.  Things get raised or insight generated about what is going on for my clients in terms of their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, behaviours and once the session has finished and they get time to reflect, they start to have deeper insights or make connections about how a particular behaviour has originated, or how it manifests in other contexts.  Some clients like to jot these insights down in an email to me and then I propose further questions to generate richer insight or to consider things from another perspective.  

Sometimes this service is necessary simply to check in after a challenging or heavy session.  I say often, I’m not here to be your friend, I am here to challenge you, challenge can be hard, even when it’s delivered with compassion so I also have a duty of care to check in to see how you are doing.  It wouldn’t be great client service if I just left you until the next session when a simple checking-in email reminds you that you have support and that you’re not alone with the issues you are working through.

It can be emotional

It's not unusual for clients to have an emotional response during a session.  In fact this happens more often that people think and can often come as a surprise to a client if they were not expecting it.  The value of having someone listen to you, where you can speak openly, free from judgement, uninterrupted and with someone who is 100% on your side is powerful and can incite all sorts of emotions.  How many of us get that on a day to day, week to week or even a month to month basis?!  We all could use a listening ear in our busy and stressful lives.  And the power of speaking our mind and untangling the complex thoughts and emotions whirring around in our brains is nothing short of liberating.

My coaching is online

I often get asked for face to face meetings with new and prospective clients.  Unless I am working with a corporate client where I travel and coach from their premises, I coach mostly online and I rarely engage in alternative approaches such as coaching while walking.  

Here is why; for private clients, they are individuals who wish to coach with me outside of their place of work.  That means their business premises are off the table.  I can and have used local co-working offices and meetings spaces for coaching, but of course this comes at a cost and can then be prohibitive for a client on top of an executive coaching package.  Online coaching keeps the costs lower and makes the investment an easier one to make.  

Meeting in a public space is not fit for quality coaching.  For the reasons I mentioned above, coaching can generate an emotional response.  I don’t know many people that would be comfortable with this in a public space.  Moreover, in a public space there are distractions, many factors outside of my control as the coach so I cannot create an environment that enables the client to have the best experience.  I cannot guarantee that we won’t be interrupted in some way and that erodes the quality and effectiveness of the coaching.  There are always exceptions and as a one off, a client might well benefit from a face to face session where we meet and go for a walk, weather and logistics depending of course. Nothing is off the table when it comes to exceptions.  I am talking about in the main.  

There is no silver bullet, it can take time to get to the nub of the issue

I’m not in your brain and I don’t have additional wisdom that you don’t have. My role is to draw out from you what you need to know and do you and even through I prepare for sessions in advance, there is only so much preparation I can do in advance because sometimes the right question can never be anticipated based on what comes up in the moment.  I have to think very quickly in the moment and also listen so carefully because sometimes I think I have a great question, but if continue to listen and enable you to keep talking, invariably, you get to it yourself, that’s the magic!  It's not my agenda after all and me interrupting you undermines the experience for you.

Sometimes I get it wrong!

As we have established, I am no miracle worker.  I am also human.  As much as I prepare for each session, reflect and review after every session and engage in continual development for my coaching practice, there will always be situations or contexts that I cannot anticipate or prepare for.  There are also some topics or matters that I am simply not qualified to manage safely and professionally. Part of my coaching agreement and professional code of conduct is to always be aware of my limitations and to acknowledge these if something comes up that I am not able to support.  I will always endeavour to signpost my clients and I maintain a network of other coaches and professionals who I often refer to.  I talk about “staying in my lane” so as not to veer into areas I am not best equipped to deal with so that my clients get the right support, even if that is not with me.  

And sometimes, I might not manage a situation in the best way.  I am not the oracle and I don’t and can’t ever possess the infinite wisdom to know what is right for every situation.  So part of my commitment to my clients is to accept that. Feedback is an integral part of my coaching so that my clients get the space to reflect on what is working well for them and what they need more of, less of, or different, in terms of the approaches used during the course of a coaching assignment, to get the most out of the coaching.  

You have to do some work

Coaching isn’t done to you. It’s something you have to work at.  And I don’t mean homework, there is no theory or studying that goes with it.  But coaching is, fundamentally, about action, around how we think, feel and behave.  Sometimes that action might be keeping a note of things that happen, using journaling to clarify thoughts, or taking some time to plan how a conversation or meeting or situation needs to be managed.  

And because we often talk about behaviour, the work is also about changing behaviour.  This is more subtle, but the work here is about noticing the behaviour to be changed, identifying alternative ways of behaving and then, in a given situation, testing out different responses. That can take time and of course that part doesn’t actually happen in the coaching session itself, it happens in your real life.  But the work is the energy and effort required to make that change, and as your coach, I’m there to guide and support you to make it happen.

You have to be honest, with yourself

I say this not because clients lie, at least not in the literal sense!  But we do all tell ourselves things that are often, or even mostly, not true.  Coaching is about identifying the things we tell ourselves that are not helpful to us and then replacing these thoughts or beliefs with more useful and positive ones.  I will challenge you if I hear you make an assumption that isn’t true and isn’t serving you, but I will do it with compassion and kindness.  But this does require you to be open to hearing this.  Some people are not, and that’s ok, but that usually means that they are not quite ready for coaching, at least not now.

Coaching is a process 

I am going to be honest; coaching can be frustrating.  Clients engage with coaching because they want to change something in their business or life.  To get to the root of the thing that needs to be changed and then to build a strategy that will ensure sustained change, takes time.  Sometimes, getting to the root can be messy and hard.  It can be uncomfortable as clients generate insight which can often include about how their behaviour is actually causing them harm.  That can be really challenging to acknowledge, accept and then overcome.  Frankly put, after some coaching sessions, you might feel a bit sh!t (although my job is to get you to a helpful place at the end of a coaching session, that is my job and my responsibility).  Change is uncomfortable and if every client I worked with exited every session with a polite smile, I wound’t be doing a very good job as their coach! I’m not here to be your friend, I am here to get you results.  

Building on that previous point, I got asked recently why I don’t charge by the hour.  Some coaches do, many don’t.  Because coaching is a process, an hour by hour arrangement simply doesn’t cut it.  If we have a heavy session and I leave you hanging with no follow up, that would be highly unethical and possibly even harmful.  That is why coaching is a process and not an hour by hour, pay-as-you-go service.  Coaching is an investment in your development and a commitment you make to yourself for lasting, positive change.

If you made it to the end, congratulations! I really hope you found this useful.  

And if you are considering working with a coach, the best thing you can do is book a discovery call with one to get a better sense of who they are, how they operate and how you will work together.  And if you’d like to book one with me, I'd love to talk to you. Get in touch to get booked in.