The Courage "To Become"

We recently celebrated Father's Day here in the United States. As usual, I spent a lot of time reflecting. If you have been following my story for any amount of time, then you know that 18 years ago, I lost my husband and my twin daughter Brittany in a horrific car crash. I had two beautiful daughters survive the crash that day.

My youngest daughter Amber, was five the day they died. This photo of the two of us was me putting her lip gloss on before a speaking engagement from several years back. For the most part- we both love being feminine, beautiful, and all things music.

Today- I want to talk about something that is not easy to approach. The truth is, in this world, we have both masculine and feminine traits. Stereotypically we tend to think of men as fighters and warriors but if you look into nature itself you will see that "mothers' are also fierce in nature. (Lioness and bears... hence the mama bear saying) When I look out at society right now we are bombarded by messages about who we should be, what is right, and issues questioning these masculine and feminine traits. To be clear, this newsletter today is not about anything going on in the world and "all of those messages." This article is about my personal journey of finding the courage to learn how to "become" what it took to bring my daughters and myself here to this day.

As you can see, my sweet daughter shared this message with me five years ago, thanking me for being "mom" when it was needed and being more like her father when that was needed too. Yes, I did actually say to one of her boyfriends, "It's a pleasure to meet you. As her mother, you seem sweet and I'm happy to have you over for dinner. As her father, you have two rules, don't hurt her and have her back by ten." My friends, the feminine and masculine traits are meant to complement each other. When I analyze how I have successfully navigated this deep valley of grief, pain, and despair it was that I learned how to tap into both of those traits for myself.

I didn't do this perfectly and quite frankly I would have described myself as someone who was "codependent" until my early forties.... uhhhh ummmm I'm staring at 50. Here is what I know, I have had to fight to keep my inner beauty and feminine heart alive while simultaneously learning how to fight like hell for myself and slay so many enemies to save my daughters.

I was recently talking to a friend and he asked me how I was doing with the loss of my step-mom Carol. I told him that I had cried for over 10 hours and my eyes were swollen. His reply shocked me as a former Police Officer. He said, "good, it's good to cry." He's right, it is good to cry and the truth is that over the last 18 years I have CRIED A LOT and I am not ashamed to admit it or to cry. But if we are honest, society doesn't always allow or promote "crying" and especially if you are brave and heroic, right? I call "bull" on that. So where does crying fit into being feminine and masculine? Where do we look to find that answer? We would all have a different answer, right?

And is this not one of the toughest challenges we face today? My friends- when it comes to solving complex issues one thing we can do is break down the complexity.

I'd like to give you an example- When I was first diagnosed with PTSD in 2005, one year after Brian and Brittany were killed, I remember looking down at a book with the DSM-4 on PTSD. I remember circling all of the symptoms and challenges that I was facing on those two pages and then I started to work on each issue one by one. In my book, From The Deepest Darkness To The Light of Hope, I have a page that says... "Your diagnosis doesn't define you, rather it highlights what you must overcome if you want your life back." I have successfully managed to work my way from 80% of the symptoms of PTSD to 20-30%

If I'm honest, I have had to learn how to embrace and "become" both the feminine and masculine traits to survive my trauma, and I dare you to say I am weak for doing that. Regardless of who you are, it is not weak to cry, to work through your emotions, and work on yourself every single day.

Whatever you are facing, don't ever give up. "Borrow My Hope and Dig Deep For Your Courage" I'm cheering you on.

Jennifer Tracy