Why mental health messages can be confusing!

Is it really ok, not to be ok? Recently, this grown-ass woman (that would be me) cried uncontrollably on an airplane for almost two hours.

A few weeks back, I had to travel by airplane from Florida out to Colorado for the funeral of my late husband Brian’s father, Bob. Despite all my best attempts to fight back a PTS(D) trigger and the flood of tears from wearing a mask and sitting silently for 4 hours on the airplane, I could not control my outburst.

For the past 17 years, Bob has been the only living link that I’ve had to both Brian and Brittany. (If you don’t know my story, my husband Brian and twin daughter Brittany were killed in a car crash on August 11, 2004.) Bob's death has come at the tail end of COVID and also the loss of my grandma (She was 94) in December and my brother, SGT Moore, in September of 2020, who lost his battle with PTSD.

In 2005, one year after my husband and daughter were killed, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Since then, I’ve worked really hard to overcome grief, triggers, nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression, and insomnia. So you might be thinking that crying uncontrollably on the airplane was normal and ok.

If I could, I'd like to talk about the statement and well-meant mental health mantra “it’s ok not to be ok” and how I had an aha moment while I sat on the airplane crying, sobbing actually, with snot on my face and nowhere to go.

Pre Covid, I successfully managed 20% of the symptoms of my PTSD. You can learn more about my story and what I’ve done to find life on this side of trauma … in my latest book.

There is a reason that “mantra” doesn’t sit well with me, and maybe even you.

Let me ask you a question. If an EMT or Firefighter showed up to your house or crash scene and had a “PTSD” trigger and started crying uncontrollably while they were trying to start your IV do you think that would be “ok?” What about your surgeon? If his prior patient died and he came in to perform your surgery crying uncontrollably, would that be ok with you?

Not so much, right! Are we ok with them crying and having a PTSD trigger just when it's the appropriate time?

The truth is, our first responders, veterans, and those who work in emergency services are trained to show up, set aside their emotions, and complete tasks that most can’t comprehend. But, it’s actually not “ok to not be ok” in those moments. Do you know what my clients tell me in private? When they can no longer control these emotions, it pains them deeply, and shame sets in. Why? They are so used to overriding what is a normal reaction, and then one day, that just stops working. I've been there. When my daughter died, I used to throw up in public.

It's not their fault, and yet there are very few places for them to turn when this starts to happen.

What if, in the middle of my coaching session with clients, I just start sobbing? Is that ok? How about in the middle of closing on a million-dollar business transaction? While not ideal, I might lose money but probably not people's lives. And this is why mental health and suicide prevention messages can be confusing.

As I sat there crying on the airplane, those words - it’s ok not to be ok kept running through my mind. For me - it was ok because lives weren’t at stake. However, sitting there sobbing made me feel weak, powerless and I didn’t like it one bit. So I did something about that.

I sat there and identified why I was triggered. (Awareness) I realized I didn't want to upset the flight attendant. I didn't want any attention, and I definitely didn't want pity.

I allowed myself to be a mess without thinking less of myself for not holding it together. (Self-compassion) By the way- this is not weak AT ALL.

I recognized that what I wanted was respect from the flight attendant, so I asked her for that. I calmly approached the flight attendant and said, ma'am, I wanted to let you know that I am ok; I'm flying in for a funeral, I would like some space; and then I smiled and said, please don't be shocked if I cry for a while. She thanked me and told me to let her know if she could help. (Took action-fought for myself-took my power back)

Would you call me weak during any of this experience? If you are honest and this has happened to you- would you call yourself weak for this?

There are three things I’d like you to take away from this today!

1. Mental health battles can leave us feeling powerless. Do you have a system in place so that you can take your power back when you feel weak facing PTSD?

2. Can you see why some of those well-meant phrases fall on deaf ears and can be confusing?

3. If you are a first responder struggling to hold it together, please hear me when I say- you are not weak. On the contrary, you are well trained. Your self-control is impeccable, and your ability to “wrap up things” is astounding.

What’s happening is that your body needs a way to process everything you’re going through. THAT IS OK

What's not ok- is doing nothing because you are the one who can take action and do something about what you are facing.

No one can do that for you. Stop being stubborn.

If you are looking for a way to take your power back, in a safe and confidential place... Jennifer's Master Guide To Mental Wellness is the perfect place to start.

My Master Guide To Mental Wellness is designed to equip you with what you need to take an honest look at yourself and then with confidence start to REBUILD YOURSELF FROM THE INSIDE OUT.

Are you ready? I'm honored to be your guide...

To learn more go to www.redefineyourmission.com