Curiosity over Criticism

Thought of the Day: 06-05-2024 (Reflections and Forward Thoughts)

Imagine you are waiting for the bus

A stranger standing beside you lights up a cigarette

You stopped smoking several years ago, but the smell is immediately recognizable

Hoping to help, you turn to this stranger and say,

“Hey, you know smoking is really bad for you. You would be better off quitting. Most people really don’t like that smell, I bet it annoys your friends. Plus you are probably going to give yourself cancer. Don’t be stupid, just stop smoking”

How do you think that conversation is going to go?

Probably not too well…

It almost seems silly, almost a bit rude

Despite good intentions, unsolicited advice can come off poorly

Let’s look at different approach to the same situation.

Imagine you are waiting for the bus

A stranger standing beside you lights up a cigarette

You stopped smoking several years ago, but the smell is immediately recognizable

Hoping to help, you turn to this stranger and ask,

“Man, I still recognize that smell anywhere. What brand is that?”

The stranger looks over a bit surprised but doesn’t immediately say anything.

Instead, he actually offers you a cigarette.

“No thank you, it’s been a few months but it is a battle. I smoked for years, and I've wanted to get off, but I still struggle. Started in high school. When did you pick up the habit?”

Now how much differently is this conversation going to go?

Odds are, the two approaches lead to a completely different dynamic

You still have the opportunity to give advice, suggestions, help

But you aren’t doing so by leading with criticism

You are doing so by leading with a sense of curiosity, vulnerability, and understanding  

Have you ever experienced someone becoming defensive in to your attempt to help?

Yesterday, I shared thoughts making judgements

It is so easy to quickly assume we know what someone is doing wrong

And we know exactly what they should be doing instead

Other people’s problems often seem quite simple from an outside perspective

Here is the thing…

In practice, the correct advice can come off badly, when received poorly

I want to provide an alternative perspective that flows from our ability to question the judgements we make of others

And one that I find to be a bit more constructive

It takes a step beyond just catching ourselves passing judgement or criticism to another person

Because although we may have good intentions, if presented the wrong way,

Our effort to help can actually do the opposite

Dale Carnegie sums up this dynamic well

“Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes them strive to justify themselves. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment.”

Fair enough, so what could we do differently?

This different approach isn’t anything new

Yet I find it often considered in hindsight

It builds upon Carnegie’s ideas

And Covey’s concept “Seek first to Understand, Before being Understood”

Choosing curiosity over criticism

In order to help someone, that person has to be open to help

Help is not a unilateral action

The person giving advice, feedback, instruction may seem like the only one acting

Yet the party on the receiving end plays an equally important role

They must be willing to accept that help

In order for someone to accept our help

They must feel a sense of trust

They must trust your intentions

They must believe you have their best interest in mind

They must open themselves up to be influenced

But we often try to give instruction

Before the other person feels seen

Before they feel understood

And how often is that successful?

Rarely...

It often leads to frustration on both ends

For someone to trust you

They must genuinely feel that you care

One way that we show others we care,

That we are interested more than just ourselves

Is simply by being curious

Asking questions

Learning more about another person

Letting someone be seen, before we assert ourselves into the situation 

Doing our best to seek their point of view before giving them our own

Returning to our bus stop

Of course there are more questions to be asked

Who knows how the dialogue progresses

And there is no perfect way to have a conversation

There is no absolute way to open someone up to help

What does exist in that conversation…

Intention

Looking at the situation not just from our own point of view,

But from the point of view of the person we’d like to help

Next time you have advice to give

Think about how you want approach it

And consider this…

Start with curiosity

Rather than criticism

If you have found this perspective helpful, please share it with a friend