Dealing with my Doubts: Liam Deacy

"Am I too loud? I play the clown to cover up all these doubts" a song lyric that makes the hairs on my arms stand on end. I don't think Paloma Faith was writing about anxiety when she penned this lyric but it pretty much sums up one of the ways I deal with my anxiety battle, well that and running. This Mental Health Awareness Week I have shared business leaders thoughts on Mental Health Wellbeing matters but (with a deep breath) I thought I would share my own challenge with anxiety, self-doubt, and panic attacks.

For me, when my anxiety comes, it hits me like a runaway train and it can cripple me for a short time. I feel like everyone in the world is waiting for me to fail, to fall flat on my face, that I'll be found out as a fraud. My family know it, friends know it, colleagues and clients know it...I'm just no good!!!

Yes, behind that childish, sarcastic persona that most people see lies a world of doubt. "Today, I will be sacked, they all know I'm incompetent, useless, no good" or "You know what, my kids would be better off without me in their lives". These feelings pass as quickly as they arrive but that little voice is never completely silenced, drowned out by me being loud, or child-like but it's still there somewhere waiting to pounce.

Now, I am confident, ambitious and my mum says I'm vain which completely contradicts that voice that says I'm useless and right there is the battle!

I am not afraid or uncomfortable talking about my feelings of doubt, my anxiety or panic attacks, it's just part of me. I'm sure they'll be questions and the odd funny look following this being published, but if writing it down helps one person open up then it's a good thing.

My panic attacks

Most panic attacks last for between 5 and 10 minutes. I have a racing heartbeat and a feeling of complete dread, that normally results in shortness of breath. There is no real pattern to when these attacks occur but they are normally triggered by small trivial things. In bad cases, I have a small number of people that I talk things through with but a majority of these panic attacks are managed by me.

Managing Me

Apart from being loud and childish, I deal with my anxiety, doubts and panic attacks with music, audiobooks and podcasts. You may notice, I normally wear headphones a lot (it drives my wife and children crazy!), the music acts as a great distraction and I use podcasts/audiobook to constantly educate myself.

My most powerful tool is running. It's my most effective anti-anxiety treatment, it helps me clear my head, relieves tension and stress. I'm no Mo Farah but a 20 minute run with music playing can make a world of difference.

It's now got to the point that when I run, it's nearly impossible to be anxious. The sense of accomplishment even if it's a mile, time to think, time with my son when he joins me and the feeling of my heart pounding inside my chest, reminds me that I'm alive and have a purpose.

The Science of Running

What causes the feel-good effect? The usual answer that springs to mind is ‘endorphins’ – however, research has proven that this form of exercise produces much more than a runners high. Runner’s World explains:

‘A short-term mood boost thanks to endorphins is one thing. (Granted, one much-appreciated thing.) But where running really helps with mental health is over time, thanks to a change in brain structure. A review of research published in Clinical Psychology Review concluded “exercise training recruits a process which confers enduring resilience to stress.” This appears to occur because regular running produces the same two changes that are thought to be responsible for the effectiveness of anti-depressants: increased levels of the neurotransmitters serotonin and norepinephrine, and neurogenesis, or the creation of new neurons.

Neurogenesis occurs primarily due to a protein called brain-derived neurotrophic factor, which has been called the Miracle-Gro of the brain It helps neurons fire and wire together. Much of this happens in the hippocampus, an area of the brain that’s often shrunken in people with mental health issues. MRI scans have shown that even after a six-month exercise intervention, there’s a visible increase in the size of the hippocampus’

The hustle and bustle of life can be overwhelming, running provides me with a release. No phone, no distractions, just me and the road. This allows me time to clear my mind of any worrying thoughts. It's not a cure but it works for me.

Find what works for you...